Page 70 of All at Once

I never gave it much thought from this lens before. That fear grows more irrational the more time you have to dwell on it.

Wondering how he’s coped with all of this before, I ask, “What helped you remove some of these nerves?”

Luca leans back against his chair, pausing with an expression that implies he wants to give a thoughtful answer. “Not putting the other person on a pedestal,” he finally says. “It helps to think of it like you’re both nervous and going through the same motions.”

“Even if the other person is way more experienced than me?” I say skeptically.

“Having more experience doesn’t eliminate your nerves,” he says.

“You’re trying to tell me that someone who has a lot of experience can feel as nervous as someone who hasnoneof it?”

“It’s possible. But obviously in different ways. It just means you both care.”

My chest warms up. “When did you feel comfortable being intimate with someone?” I ask more quietly.

Through pursed lips, he hesitates, “I don’t think you should be comparing us like that.”

I shake my head. “No I’m not. I’m just curious to hear more about your experience and how it felt for you. Maybe it’ll help me at least understand why I feel this way about this.” Remembering to also respect his boundaries, I clarify, “Actually, I know how this could be a little invasive. I wasn’t really thinking when I just asked you that, so no pressure to respond.”

“We can talk about it,” he reassures. “I lost my virginity when I was 19.”

I hold onto the pillow next to me with a growing intrigue. “Were you also nervous about being naked around someone else for the first time?”

“If I’m being completely honest, I wasn’t as nervous about being naked around her as much as I was about living up to her expectations. In terms of comparison to other guys she’d been with.”

The more he’s telling me, the more I want to know. “And how did you know what you were doing?”

“I didn’t,” he explains. “I learned a lot from things my friends had told me from before. And then I learned more from my girlfriend at the time who was 21.”

I find myself growing even more frustrated at the reminder of one of the biggest double standards with sex that bothers me to this day. “See, this really pisses me off. Not to single you out at all. But to add to your first point, I just think it’s pretty frustrating how women aren’t told much about how sex works, while men are. Like guys learn from guys, and then girls learn from guys also. Obviously not always but just in general.”

Luca’s eyes turn even more gentle. “I know. It’s not fair. There’s definitely a double standard.”

Deeply relating to this, I confess, “For the longest time, I barely even knew how any of it worked. Growing up, I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. I get that as a household it’s not a topic that you just bring up casually. But I knew some friends from college who at least had private conversations with some people in their families about it or at least with their mom. But my mom never once brought it up, and it made me feel uncomfortable to ever bring it up.

“I almost felt ashamed for evenwantingto talk about it. Yet a part of me couldn’t even blame her though since I doubt her momhelped her with any of it.” I take a deep breath. “It’s just so fucking stressful since it’s almost like as women, we’reexpectedto figure it out on ourown.”

“I’m sorry,” Luca says. “I’ve heard similar stories from a good handful of my friends, and they’re also in their twenties. So you’re not alone. I’d give yourself some credit though for talking about it like this. It’s the first step, and it’s not an easy one to just jump into.”

My cheeks warm up. “Thank you. That means a lot. It’s been a journey that’s for sure.”

His lips curve slightly. “Yeah, I mean, not feeling like you can express yourself is a pretty shitty feeling. So I think it’s great that you’re putting in the effort yourself to push through the unfamiliarity.”

I try to respond to his comment, but the gooey, warm feeling has now spread across my entire body. So I redirect the conversation, “What are your thoughts on sleeping with someone soon after meeting them?”

“I don’t think the length of time that you’re with someone always translates to a stronger connection,” Luca replies. “But it’s also rare toreallyknow someone in a short amount of time. Generally, I try not to sleep with anyone unless I’m in love with them.”

My jaw is most likely on the floor at that last part. “What made you decide on that?” I ask.

“I went out with this girl twice before we slept together,” he explains. “There wasn’t any connection really except for physical attraction so after we’d hook up it always left me feeling a little hollow.”

“I’d never imagine hearing a guy say that,” I confess, surprised.

“Yes it was sex,” he admits. “And obviously during it, I didn’t have anything to complain about. But it feels completely different when it’s with someone you have deeper feelings for. Of course there’s nothing wrong with sleeping with someone right away or casually. It’s just personally not for me.”

The only logical explanation why I’m this fascinated hearing his stories is a direct result of being so deprived of these things from my own life. While I could listen to him talk about this all day, I say, “I’m sorry if I’m asking you too much. I just never really had anyone to talk to about these things. My best friend and I have talked about some of it together but not in this detail.”

“It’s okay,” Luca says nonchalantly. “I understand that you like talking about sex.”

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