Page 74 of All at Once

He narrows his eyes at me, but his cheeks look a bit flushed. “I’m not so sure about that.”

I can already sense that there has to be a story behind this. Feeling even nosier than usual, I ask, “Are you referring to a breakup?”

He has that same blank expression I’ve seen him make only twice before, but this time snaps out of it right away. “Unfortunately,” he confirms.

This is good. At least now he’s not avoiding it altogether. And now that we’re also on the topic, I bring up something else I’ve always wondered about, “What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned from a breakup?”

“The things people love you for are the same things one day they’ll hate you for,” Luca answers, the anger in his voice palpable.

“Tell me how you really feel,” I say lightheartedly, to ease the tension.

“And then when you change they’re all ‘oh you changed?whydid you change?’ When all along the same people kept making you feel like youhadto change.”

Oh he’s really getting into it now.

I’m actually insane because seeing him get this worked up about something even though he clearly sounds pissed is pretty hot. But that’s not to say that I don’t feel bad for him as well. Since it’s evident that whatever he’s referring to must have really hit him hard.

I offer, “Okay, nowthatI can relate to sadly. I’ve always been told by my parents that I’m not ‘realistic’with what I want and expect too much and basically should change my expectations to cater to what’s more ‘normal’ and ‘practical.’ But the problem is even the times I changed myself to fit what they wanted, I wasstillcriticized for something.”

Luca drops his hands into his lap. “That shit drives me insane. It’s what also happens in relationships. Your partner not being satisfied with the version of you that you are at the moment even if it’s the same one that they liked before.”

I then quite literally pull my hair tie off, and almost lay down onto the floor. “You were right. I really should just stop thinking aboutallof it. I’m already exhausted.”

He snorts at my sudden change in composure as my attention turns back toward the TV, forgetting the movie’s been playing this entire time.

Of course it’s a kissing scene that gains my interest, to which I immediately sit up again. “Look! Just look at that kiss.That’swhat I want.”

“Very cute,” Luca deadpans.

But he also looks, I don’t know, almost a littlehappyto see me look this excited at something so frivolous.

“I want that,” I say. “To feel so immersed in a kiss where I don’t even realize where I am.”

“It’s a movie,” he says, a trace of mockery returning. “They’ll probably end up breaking up in the sequel. Just watch.”

“I know it might sound bad,” I admit, “but sometimes I wish that I experienced heartbreak after a breakup. If that meant I could at least experience love.”

Luca doesn’t seem too pleased with my sudden confession as he raises his brows a bit seriously. “I don’t know about that. Having a painful experience at something you care about ending isn’t really something youwishfor.”

“No, of course,” I quickly agree. “But isn’t that the trade-off sometimes? Like going through that disappointment rather than never having experienced the same thing that brought you that joy?”

His posture tenses up. “You’re oversimplifying it.”

Wanting to show him more of my perspective on this, I suggest, “What about relating it to a friendship? It’s the worst feeling when you lose a friend, but imagine feeling like you never had a friend your entire life?”

“A platonic relationship couldn’t be more different from a romantic one,” he says, while his jaw tightens.

I clench my fingers into my palms, wondering if I should continue. But seeing the veins across Luca’s neck pop against his skin is now making me feel self-conscious that I’m saying the wrong thing. That he’s misunderstanding me.

I take a deep breath and clarify, “Okay, yes. But in both cases, being deprived of ever having a friendship or relationship is not only a painful feeling, but it’s also very isolating.”

His Adam’s apple flexes as he exhales. “I don’t know how to explain it, but the pain from a relationship ending is justdifferent. The emotional attachment when someone breaks your heart is enough to turn your world upside down. It can make you question everything that you thought you knew about yourself. No matter how confident you thought you were.”

I don’t understand. He usually hears me out.But now he’s not.

“I'm not trying to downplay the pain from any of those things,” I say. “I just like to think that even if one person disappoints you, there's so many other great people out there, and—”

Luca cuts me off, looks me dead in the eyes with an anger I haven’t seen in them yet, and almost snarls, “Maybe you shouldn’t have an opinion. You haven’t experiencedanyof it.”

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