Page 106 of Once Smitten, Twice Shy

“Took abreak,” Bea corrects. “It was just abreak!”

“But you did it for me, you jerk!” I grab her shoulders. “How could you do that? Because you thought I’d have a fit when I saw you with Jamie? You didn’t think I’d be able to be happy for you and compartmentalize the fact that my shitty ex had been Jamie’s friend? I mean, Bea, Jamie loathed him, kicked him out of his life for good, after what he did. Sure, I would have probably needed some time, but that was mine to take, not yours to force on us.”

“We’re getting sidetracked,” Bea says briskly, smoothing her hands down her skirt. “I realize it probably wasn’t a super-well-thought-out response, and I apologized to Jamie and he forgave me, and we made itthrough, because here we are, planning to get married. The point is,” she says, holding my eyes, “I think I understand what happened with Will. What I don’t understand is why you’re sad.”

I stare into my twin’s eyes, seeing all her love, her empathy. Tears blur my vision.

“Ooh, no, no,” Bea whispers, swiftly wiping under my eyes. “Applying makeup is a Herculean effort for you these days. Let’s not have to do a repeat. We both know you hate how I do your makeup when I try.”

I laugh tearily, falling into her shoulder.

Kate stretches out her legs, her face drawn as she watches me. She pins my feet between her boots and squeezes affectionately.

I glance between my sisters. “We finally turned the corner, last weekend, from friends to…”

“Lovers?” Kate asks gently.

I nod. “And he was really busy all week, which I got. They’re gearing up for this big festival and a huge tourism influx for the eclipse tomorrow, and I didn’t mind, but then he was supposed to come into town yesterday, because…because he couldn’t wait another day, and he didn’t.”

“Did he have an explanation?” Kate asks.

I shake my head. “I never even heard from him.”

Bea frowns. “That doesn’t seem like sweet Will.”

“No,” I mutter miserably, my head slumped on her shoulder.

“Christopher would have heard,” Kate says, “if he ran into some kind of trouble.”

“That’s what I’ve been telling myself, too.”

“Then what’s going on?” Bea asks, her brow furrowing even more. “It doesn’t add up.”

“It doesn’t,” I agree. “And that’s the thing—whatever caused him not to show up yesterday, whatever’s kept him from reachingout to me and explaining himself, that’s not what I’m freaking out about, not primarily.”

Kate peers down at me. “You’re freaking out that you care so much.”

I nod. “And not just that I care, that I’m assuming the best of him. And this is…exactly what I was afraid of happening!”

“What do you mean, JuJu?” Bea asks softly, her hand going to my hair, combing its stray pieces back from my face. I had the silly idea to pin it up and make it look fancy, but in the hours I worked my tail off, it’s just fallen out of those pins.

“Look at what I’ve done.” I lift my thumb. “I’ve told myself I wouldn’t get mixed up with one of Christopher’s friends again, and what do I do? I get myself all turned around for one of his dearest, oldest friends.” I lift my pointer. “I told myself I’d be more level-headed, that I wouldn’t always assume the best in someone, when I had feelings for them—here I am, even after he’s ghosted me for twenty-four hours, spinning up excuses for why he must not be at fault.” I lift my middle finger, which feels appropriate. “We’ve been hanging out for barely a month, not even half those days spent in person, and I’ve gone and fallen in lo—” I clear my throat. “And I’ve fallen for him, so quickly. I’ve fallen quickly before, and look how that toxic terrible mess turned out the last time I fell fast and hard—toxic and terrible!”

“Hey.” Bea pats my shoulder. “Take a deep breath.” She glances over at Kate. “And listen to us. You know I’ve had a bad breakup before, that I understand wanting to protect your heart after someone’s bruised it. But just because something was bad with one person doesn’t mean it will be bad with another. Jules, you have such a big, open heart, doesn’t it make sense that when your heart recognized someone wonderful like Will, it fell head over heels? The fartface was the bad number in your equation last time, not you.”

I laugh. “Fartface.” My laugh becomes thick as I dab my eyes. “But I’m the common denominator!”

“Exactly,” Kate says, leaning in, clutching my shin. She holds my eyes intently. “You were the only good thing about your relationship with your ex. And now, you’ve got something that’s night and day from that. It’s got all your goodness and all his goodness, too.”

Bea nods in agreement.

I wipe my nose, sniffling. “I’m so scared of this. How much I feel, how much I…” A heavy sigh leaves me. “I’m just…scared.”

Kate nods, gently squeezing my ankle as she sits up again. “If I have learned anything since I came home last year, since Christopher and I finally figured out what we mean to each other, it’s this: you can’t outrun your feelings, especially your fear. You can deny them, suppress them, numb yourself to them. And sure, it makes you feel safer for a while, better even. But it doesn’t last. The feelings, they’re still there. And you either continue to hide them from others, hideyourselffrom others, too—which is so damn lonely. Trust me,” she adds. “Or…you can face those feelings and share them with the people who matter, so they can see you and support you, so you can feel so much less alone.”

I nod. “Thanks,” I tell both my sisters, glancing between them, blinking away tears, “for cornering me in a closet and making me feel my feelings.”

Bea kisses my temple. “You bet.”

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