Page 25 of The Penalty

I realize how ridiculous this must look, but I can’t help it. “Rat.”

Cece bends over by the single table in the room. It was one of the few pieces of furniture in the place before we got here, and I finally spot the two large cages sitting on the surface.

One of them has two shaggy brown and white creatures, nibbling away at a bowl of food. Guinea Pigs. They might be cute if they weren’t terrifying, but I can kind of handle them, since they’re contained.

When she straightens, stretching her arms toward me, a tiny whiskered face peeks out between her fingers. She plops it into the second cage, and my shoulders ease up the slightest bit atthe loud clang that rings through the mostly empty room when she flips the latch.

“Sorry about that,” she says. “I did tell you to watch out for Loki.”

There’s an amused light in Beau’s eyes, and he’s pressing his lips together to avoid laughing in my face. At least he’s trying to contain his amusement. I know how ridiculous it looks. Tough enforcer terrified of tiny fuzzy rodents, but it’s ingrained. The fear sunk too deep under my five-year-old skin.

“I need to...” I trail off, stepping away until my back hits the door. I reach down, turning the handle. My eyes stay locked on the innocent looking little creatures hanging out in their cages until I’ve left the room. The one that accosted me is clearly a ferret.

I don’t lift my head up, even when Beau’s hand lands on my shoulder. “I think we all need a break. I’m going to grab us some food. Ethel’s?” he asks.

“Sure.” My voice is still a little shaky, and I’m hot all over, embarrassed at my reaction. Thankfully, my friend lets it go. Stepping away and calling to his sister.

“Heading to Ethel’s. Want to come or do you want me to grab you a burger?”

“Burger please,” she calls out, still in her bedroom. Hopefully, she stays there while her brother is gone. I’m way too rattled to control myself right now if she gets close.

The door slams shut, a clock ticks in the silence, and then the rumble of Beau’s SUV signals his departure.

My body tilts to the side as the couch dips with her weight. The pulse of awareness is back, but she stays silent, not touching me, not speaking, as if she senses I need a minute.

As I concentrate on deep, regular breaths, my heartbeat slows down, returning to a steady rhythm. I can finally lift my head up from hands, but I’m not ready to make eye contact, see the judgment in her eyes that I’m afraid of something so silly.

“You know, when we were kids, Beau thought it was hilarious that I was scared of spiders. He started buying plastic ones and hiding them in my sock drawer, my shoes. It would stop for a while and then he’d spring it on me some random day when I was in a rush to get to school.”

She drops a tentative hand on my shoulder, the touch so light it barely registers, but it’s reassuring. Helping the fear ebb.

“I’m still terrified of them. Thank goodness we don’t live in Australia. If there were deadly ones around, I don’t think I’d be able to function. I’d probably start thinking they were fake and get bitten. I’d either die a horrible death of spider venom, or maybe I’d get lucky and a radioactive one would get me. Mutant spidey senses could come in handy.” Her weight shifts the cushions and I’m pretty sure she’s twisted around to look at me. “You know what, though? I’ve never been a big fan of Spiderman. Now that I’m thinking about it, I think that’s why. Thanks, Beau. Spiderman is actually a pretty cool superhero when you think about it.”

By the time she gets through her long ramble, I’ve almost forgotten the reason I was so scared. Possibly the purposeof her rant.

“Are you laughing at me?” she asks, and I try to still my shaking shoulders.

“No.”

“Yes, you are. It’s okay. I’m used to it.”

She sounds so light and unconcerned when she says it, but I find a flame of anger flickering in my chest. “I’m not laughing at you. With you.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m aware of how ridiculous I sound. Going off on these crazy tangents. It’s just the way my brain works. I get how it sounds, though.”

“You’re a lot of things, but ridiculous is not one of them.” I turn to her. Her cheeks are tinged with pink, either from laughter or embarrassment, and her eyes are sparkling.

Her mouth falls open again, and she searches my face, studying each feature in a way that makes me feel like she can see right inside me. See what’s underneath the intimidating hockey player image I’ve worked hard for.

“Why’d you pretend you didn’t know me then?”

My heart pauses at the thought I’ve hurt her, guilt twisting my stomach. She thinks I’m not interested. That I haven’t been wishing for a repeat with every fiber of my being. “It’s not you.”

I don’t love the sharp bitter tinge to her laugh. “It’s not you, it’s me. Really, Castle? I thought you were more original than that.”

“No. That’s not. We can’t.” I’m searching for the words to explain without revealing too much. It’s difficult to let go of those little pieces of myself. The hurt, the pain. Everything I’ve been through that I never talk about. “I didn’t have the bestchildhood. Your brother. He’s almost like a brother to me. I can’t do that to him. He’s all I’ve got.” I’m not good enough for her, but she’d probably try to deny it. I don’t need her to defend me, and Beau is a major part of the reason we can’t do this thing. Explore all the feelings she sparked in me during that amazing weekend. But even if he wasn’t an issue, there’s no way she deserves to be loaded with my damage.

“Beau? He’s my brother, not my keeper, but you’re right. I’m sure he’d give me shit about it, too. And I’m trying to keep myself out of trouble. After what happened...” the words die on her lips, and she glances at me again, curiosity burning in those gorgeous eyes. “You really don’t know, do you?”

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