Page 90 of The Penalty

“Yes.” I need to see them. Make sure she looks good, healthy. The kids are okay. Not like me. No one deserves that kind of life as akid.

“Of course.” He taps on his phone, sliding it across the table to me.

The woman in the picture is probably in her forties. Her dark blonde hair frames her face in a shoulder-length bob. The kids at her side are glowing with health, the girl has a big gap-toothed grin, and the boy is sticking his tongue out at the camera. They’ve both got plump, rosy cheeks and nice clothes on.

My heart hurts for the boy I was. It could have been me. If my mother hadn’t died. If he hadn’t fallen into a dark hole. If anyone had ever wanted me enough.

I think that’s why I needed to come here. After seeing Cece with her family, I needed something. The thing is, they’ve got money, but they’re just as fucked up as the rest of us. She’s suffered a different kind of neglect and control. But deep down, we’re the same. Two hurt people trying to connect.

That’s all gone to shit now. My best friend in the entire world hates me, and I’ve lost the girl I’m in love with. I never even got to tell her.

“I think I’m going to go now.”

He reaches out a work-worn hand again, and this time I don’t reject the advance. His palm is coarse, but warm when it closes over mine. There’s no instant connection or healing, but it’s a small step.

“Do you think I might be able to see you again? Sometime.”

“Maybe.” I nod. “Not right away. But eventually, maybe.”

“Good. At least I can keep an eye on the stats. See how you’re doing. I have been coming to your games. I hope that’s okay.After you spotted me that one game, I’ve started sitting near the back. I’d never bother you while you’re out on the ice. But I’m there. I’ll stop if you want me to.”

I shake my head. “No, it’s fine.”

I’ve never had someone in the crowd at every game. Rarely had someone to watch me. He can do that.

“Good. Okay, and you don’t have to say it back, but... I love you. You look so much like your mother. Her eyes.” His face softens, and my eyes burn. Not for him. For her. The one I never got to know.

“I’ll let you know if I want to see you again.”

“Good, good. Let me walk out with you. Can I give you a ride somewhere?”

“No. I’m good, thanks.” I’m not accepting anything from him, except his apology.

The sun has broken through the clouds by the time we make it back outside. It suffuses me with warmth. The ache is still there, but it’s a little less sharp. It’s Cece I miss the most. She’s come to mean so much to me, and if I can’t get her back, I don’t know what I’ll do. And Beau? I don’t know how I’ll make it up to him or if there’s any chance we can still be friends. But now I know it’s possible. If I can see my father after everything he did. If he’s capable of healing and moving on from his pain and loss, there’s hope for me.

There’s a knock on my door, and Beau calls out my name, but my light is off and it’s late. I feign sleep until he moves on.

The next morning, I slip out of the house before he’s up for the day. There aren’t too many places to go this early in the morning, so I hit the smaller coffee shop on the west side of campus. Everyone goes to All Capps. I can hide away here until class and hopefully avoid Beau for another day.

I need to talk to him, but I also need to figure out what I’m going to say. What I’m going to ask him. What is it I want? Forgiveness? Permission? I’m not sure.

Somehow the fates are on my side, and I don’t cross paths with him anywhere he can corner me alone. Until I get home. I skipped my last class, hoping I could sneak up to my room and hide out some more until tomorrow. Tomorrow we have practice, so there won’t be any way to avoid him. But at least he can take his anger out on me on the ice. I’ll let him. I’ll welcome it. The ache in my nose is a reminder of what I did to him.

“Hey.”

My head jerks up, startled to hear him as I’m stepping through our front door.

“Hi. I can go. I’m looking for a new place. I’m sure I can get something for next semester.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because. Because.” I take a step back through the door. “You don’t want me here.”

“Dev, come back.”

I swallow past the growing lump in my throat.

“It doesn’t matter. Dad is going to make Cece leave Lakeview. None of it matters.”

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