Page 62 of Wrapped in Winter

“I’m not going anywhere.” I speak softly.

“You can’t promise that.”

“No I can’t but I do promise to fight with everything I have to stay each day. To take care of you both. I’m not her father but I want to be. I want to be there for her. Foryou. I can give you both what you need.”

She cries and I let her. Just when I think she’s settling down another cry rips through her and she slams her hand on the floor. She pulls at her hair, at my t-shirt she’s wearing. She cries louder and grabs at my arms, digging her nails into my skin. She cries about her mom being alone at such a young age, she cries about not feeling peace in her own home. She cries that she abandoned her family. Then she cries that she’s glad Sean is gone. She cries that Lily won’t know him but she’s glad he won’t have the chance to hurt her. To demean her. And I sit there, feeling rage wash over me at the thought that someone could hurt the two girls I love the most.

But I don't leave. I don’t move. We sit on the floor, and I hold her until she cries herself to sleep. And then the tears I've held back come forth, too. But where hers are mournful, mine are joy. Mine are thanking my sister for sending me this family.

I’d do anything to have my sister back but if she had to go, if she had to leave me, she knew exactly who to send to me to make it through life easier without her.

Chapter 27

January

I’m at the shop and after the night I had, I wish I was still home. I woke up in my bed but Drake was gone. He had to check in at work to make sure deliveries were set, but then he was going to pick up Lily from my moms. We had made arrangements prior to my breakdown so I wasn’t going to change it and throw her for a loop. And of course, Drake will do anything for her, so I left it alone.

I’m kind of glad he isn’t here though. I need the silence, to adjust and sift through what happened. The last thing I remember is slamming the floor with my hand over and over. I make a fist absentmindedly and my hand aches.

I can’t believe I broke like that. Drake wasn’t surprised. And I guess I shouldn't be either. For fifteen years I’ve buried it all … my dad, Sean .. having to come home, admit failure. It finally came to a head.

The emotion is so much it physically hurts me right now. Drake has called and I didn’t answer. He then sent a text just to let me know he had Lily and they were going for cookies and to the library. I still didn’t respond. I just can’t put two and twotogether right now so I’m avoiding it. He’s lucky I’m not running because that thought has crossed my mind, too. But I can’t keep running. I have to move forward. I have to make sense of the life I have now and I owe it to my daughter to make it the best one for her.

And when my brother walks in the shop I literally groan out loud. Obviously I know they had words, though I’m not sure of the exact words. And after last night, Lief is the last person I want to face.

“Morning.”

“Morning.” I don’t look up, just continue looking at the spreadsheets. We had a big weekend and it’s pushed us into new territory. “I think we need to place another order. We’ve got the revenue so the best bet is to reinvest in what’s selling.”

He peers over my shoulder at the laptop. “I agree.”

I look up the last order we placed for Lace and Love and for the gowns, clicking through their new inventory. I add what we need and hit the order button.

“Where’s Lily?”

I roll my eyes. “She’s with Drake this morning.” I say it calmly but inside I want to scream. Since when does he care where she is? She’s usually with our mom so the fact he’s asking means he already knows something.

And it irritates the shit out of me.

“She likes him, huh?” He’s acting aloof and I don’t like it. He’s fishing for information.

“Just say what you want to say, Lief.”

“I like this guy, January. I don't know why you're denying what you already know.”

I turn on him pointing a finger. “And what do you think I know?”

He looks up, taken back by my outburst. “He fits in our family.”

“Yea? Did he fit before or after he put you in your place?”

His eyes narrow but he still won’t give me anything. So I turn on him, mumbling under my breath about no one even knowing Sean.

“No, I didn't know Lily’s father,” I note he won’t say his name, “but you know what? I knew enough to know I didn’t like him. He wasn’t good.” His voice is loud yet firm and I stare at him, shocked he’s getting upset and showing it. “Know what else? I’m glad he’s dead. I’m glad he’s not here and I don’t give a fuck if that makes me a terrible person because maybe I am. And maybe I’m selfish for wanting that. But you never would have come home if he didn’t die. He wanted you away from us, and you were going to do it. And if he was still here, you would have stayed away with my niece. And that’s not fair to anyone.”

He explodes and I feel my own anger boiling over. “How can you say that?” I yell at him. “You didn’t even know him. No one knew him. But he was Lily’s father!”

“Easy, January, very easily I can say that. You settled. He wasn’t the best for you. You were blind to it, it was new. Everything was new, dad dying, you moving, the party scene. He moved fast and you went with it.”

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