Page 150 of Academy of the Wicked, Year One

I'm sorry.

Then he's gone, nothing but essence twinkling into nothingness, leaving just the two of us standing there while others watch in disgust that Nikolai would even be present.

The loss of Mini Grim feels like losing my last connection to innocence – to the part of me that could still believe in fairytales and happy endings.

My gaze lowers slowly as I become aware of how sluggish I feel. How I must look – a disgusting wretch in this male disguise, reeking of other people's waste just like that night with Darius.

The same helplessness threatens to overwhelm me, that feeling of being trapped in a nightmare I can't wake from.

"Gabriel," Nikolai whispers, still fighting to catch his breath, but when I meet his wide eyes, I feel nothing. The numbness that follows trauma has settled in, leaving me hollow and cold.

I don't want to be merciful.

To be forgiving.

I don't want to forgive him.

Don't want to forgive anyone right now...

The memories keep coming, wave after wave of past humiliations. Darius and his friends weren't content with just the water torture. They'd marked me – dozens of small cuts that spelled out "hybrid" across my ribs, ensuring I'd never forget what I was.

What I'd always be to them.

"Outside those doors, we're not together, right?" I ask, aware that people are likely listening, but I no longer care.

They're all just pieces on this new chessboard – pawns I'll sacrifice in a heartbeat, just as they would do to me if it meant their survival.

Just as Darius sacrificed me, using my pain to cement his place in vampire society. Every scream, every plea for mercy had just been entertainment for them – proof that they were superior, that they had the power to break someone completely.

"What?" Nikolai asks, as if trying to comprehend my meaning.

"Only within those doors am I connected to this," I declare, looking down at the blood covenant mark. My attention makes it emit an odd glow, tainted and dark as if responding to my declaration. "Outside, in these halls, we're nothing. Not friends or lovers. Just strangers, right?"

He starts to answer but holds his tongue, clearly weighing his words carefully. We're not in our cozy room of paradise where we can fuck and laugh and learn without judgment. Where I can pretend I'm not broken, that the scars don't still ache when it rains.

Out here, we're exactly what I'm suggesting.

Strangers.

The mark pulses faintly as if protesting this declaration, but I ignore it.

The bond might be eternal, might be fate's grand design, but right now it feels like another chain – another way for the universe to watch me suffer. Another promise that will end in betrayal, just like every other time I've dared to trust.

The fluorescent lights overhead buzz incessantly, casting harsh shadows across Nikolai's perfect features.

He looks torn between his princely duty to maintain appearances and something deeper, something that makes the golden threads of our bond pull tight enough to ache.

But I won't make this easy for him.

Won't let him have both; his precious points and my forgiveness. Because I've learned the hard way that love –or whatever this is– isn't enough to save you when the darkness comes.

When the monsters wearing beautiful faces decide it's time to remind you of your place in their sinful world.

The urine soaking my clothes might be different from the water Darius used to torture me, but the message is the same:

You don't belong here.

You never will.

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