Page 26 of Saving Grace

After the shower I put back on the clothes I had. I hand washed my bra and panties in the bathroom sink and hung them in the shower to dry.

I was hungry but also exhausted, so I chose to rest. I couldn’t sleep at first. I tossed and turned until I finally dozed off just to be awoken what felt like minutes later by someone clearing their throat. Loudly.

I sat up in bed and looked at the clock. Twelve hours had passed, it was night out again, the room was nearly pitch black. I looked around the dark room and saw no one so I laid back down.

“Grace,” I sat up in the bed when my name came from a shadow in the corner. I reached for my purse, I’d put the small twenty-two I’d brought myself—in there, but it was gone. I jumped up completely from the bed to search for it. I clicked on the lamp next to the bed. The room was bathed in light.

I froze. My first thought was how much I had fucked up by using Molly. I should have considered that it would be the easiest of my aliases to track. The fact that my tormentor stood grinning menacingly at me was the confirmation of how badly I’d fucked up.

The adrenaline from my fight or flight senses surged so fast it made me queasy. My head swam. I crossed my arms over my body trying to shield myself.

I had thought about what I would do when I saw Ralph again. How I would respond. Each of my fantasies had included violence, but the reality of being in the same room with him again was after what was done to me and the fear he’d instilled was debilitating. Before I knew it my knees buckled and I fell to the floor, the tears clouded my vision.

This can’t be my life.

By running away from Atticus, I’d jumped my stupid ass from the frying pan into the fire. My body began to tremble as memories of my old life rushed back to me with all the force of a tidal wave.

When I moved in with my momma, Ralph had tried everything in his power to get me to let my guard down around him. He would buy me new clothes, give me money, and let me drive his cars. I didn’t want to accept anything from him, but my momma would always throw a fit when I didn’t, and I’d eventually give in.

It wasn’t because I didn’t like the things he gave me, it was because I didn’t trust either of them as far as I could throw them, but I was especially wary of him.

On the surface Ralph was an upstanding citizen. He owned a multimillion-dollar construction company and was a philanthropist. I wasn’t fooled by any of it though. He was fucking creepy. He always gave me these slimy grins that caused my skin to crawl and his beady blue eyes were always on me when we were in a room together. My grandma said some white people had snake eyes, because that was God’s way of letting you know which one to trust. I didn’t pay much attention to it. Grandma sounded like a bigot at times when she got to talking about white people, but I thought about her words later, because I knew I couldn’t trust Ralph just by looking into his eyes.

I kept an eye on his old ass but not good enough I guess. One late night he’d snuck into my bed and held a knife to my throat while he brutally raped me. I was yelling so loud I knew my momma had to hear me, but she never came to my rescue. “You were an amazing baby,” he panted while putting back on his clothes. I can still vividly remember the adoring look in his eyes.

When I told my mother she claimed I was lying and the abuse continued, no matter how much I fought.

I can remember the day that Ralph confirmed that he wasn’t just a pedophile but was certifiably insane. It was about the third time he raped me. I woke up to find him sitting in the dark corner of my room staring at me with vacant eyes, it looked as if his soul had left his body. I was so scared I almost pissed on myself.

I sat up in the bed and he spoke immediately as if he’d been waiting for me to wake up so he could say what he had to say.

“Why didn’t you wait?” He asked me. I didn’t understand the question and neither did I want to ask him what he meant, so I remained quiet until it got too uncomfortable to sit there with him glaring at me waiting for me to answer his odd question.

I stood to go to the bathroom, hoping he’d leave me alone.

He jumped up blocking my way. He grabbed my arm. His sharp nails dug into my flesh as he yanked me to him.

“I asked you a fucking question, why didn’t you wait?” he snarled in my face.

The tone of his voice was icy. I felt the blood in my veins chill as his grip tightened.

“I’m sorry.” I’d apologized. I would have done anything to get him to go away.

” I don’t understand why you’re so angry?” I shouted. I was seconds away from breaking down in another hysterical fit of tears

He didn’t speak right away after I yelled. When he did he smiled a smile that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I asked him again after an uncomfortable moment of silence passed between us before I drummed up the courage to ask him. “Waited for what?” my shaky voice barely above a whisper.

Just when I thought he wouldn’t answer, he spoke the most nonsensical bullshit I’d ever heard in my life.

“Waited for me, you gave some boy your cherry, you should have waited!” He shouted. I remember thinking, is he serious? That was just before he backhanded me.

I barely let the pain register before I jumped up off the floor where I’d fallen, I ran out of my room and locked myself in the bathroom. I was so confused and horrified by the entire situation I didn’t even cry, the tears wouldn’t come.

I sat in the tub with my knees to my chest rocking back and forth wondering why my life had turned out so fucked up.

He’d banged on the door for ten minutes, threatening to break it down and yelling, “You should have waited for me!” like a madman.

I somehow knew I would die if he got in my room. At first the thought of death scared me, then I realized it was my easiest way out. I got up and went to the door. My hand was on the knob about to open the door for him when I heard my mother’s voice. Her presence confirmed that she knew exactly what he was doing to me and didn’t care. Officially at that moment I hated my mother with everything in me. She somehow got him to leave me alone.

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