Page 82 of The Broposal

“Oh, fuck, Han. I’m so fucking sorry. I’ll talk to Daniel, let him know it was my fault.”

“Okay. Thanks,” Han mumbled as he closed the door.

I felt like the fucking scum of the earth. How was I supposed to break up with him now? He’d just been fired, because of me. He’d just had a terrifying interaction with a cop, because ofme. How could I possibly make this day even worse, on purpose? I was definitely a terrible person. Han would never forgive me, but all I could think was that a grudge was better than him getting deported.

“We really need to talk.” I forced the words out of my mouth.

“I know. Can we please just pretend like last night never happened? I don’t want it to change things,” Han pleaded, and Iblinked back my emotions. I couldn’t do this. But I had to. At least knowing that he didn’t want to act on our feelings from the night before helped. It meant he wouldn’t be heartbroken and backstabbed all at once.

“Han, please, just, let me get this out,” I said. I would never be able to do this if he said another word. I felt too terrible about it, and anything Han said might have made me not go through with it. But I had to.

“What is it?”

“I…” I let out a shaky breath. I debated whether I should be totally up front with him about Jackie’s threat. She’d told me not to tell anyone, but I couldn’t just let Han think I was dumping him after what happened last night. He deserved to know. It wasn’t like Jackie would ever find out if I told him. I could do this. “It’s Jackie. She—”

“You’re getting back together.” Han clenched his jaw.

I ran a hand through my hair. “It’s actually worse than that.”

“Stop dancing around it. Justtellme.”

I choked up, and a small whimper came out of my mouth as I covered it with my hand. “She threatened to call ICE if I didn’t break up with you… I… I’m so sorry. We can’t get married.” Tears started spilling out of my eyes, but Han stood there, seemingly emotionless if it weren’t for the slight tremble of his chin.

“You told her I’m undocumented.”

“No! She just guessed.” I wondered if maybe my mom let it slip, but that wasn’t possible. She didn’t even like Jackie. She wouldn’t go gossiping with her. Maybe it was Han’s reaction to the time she tried to bring up ICE to him that tipped her off. Or maybe it was just plain old racism. Whatever it was, it didn’t matter. I couldn’t riskhim. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Han was silent for a while, clenching his jaw hard, but his lips still trembled.

Then it happened. He burst out crying in a way I had never seen before. Not drunk blubbering-crying, but real, grief-stricken sobbing. He dropped one of his crutches to cover his face with his hand as he whimpered into it.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” I went over to Han to try to comfort him and put a hand on his shoulder, which only made him cry harder.

“I have to move out now, don’t I?” Han asked, his voice raw and strangled.

I hadn’t actually thought about that, but it was true. Jackie probably wouldn’t accept our breakup if we were still living together. “One of us should. I’m sorry…” was all I managed to say. What else could I possibly say?

“I don’t have a job anymore, so I guess it should be me,” Han said, wiping his cheeks with the back of his hand.

I couldn’t hold myself back. I pulled Han into a desperate embrace. Then we were both sobbing. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry…”

It was a while before Han calmed down enough to breathe properly. He finally pulled away from the embrace and struggled to bend down and pick up his crutches off the floor. I grabbed them and handed them over to save him the trouble.

“It’s not your fault,” he finally said, voice broken. But the words didn’t make me feel any better. Han turned around and reached for the door.

“You’re leaving already?” I asked. I had kind of hoped we could spend a little longer together. I felt like Han was slipping through my fingers right before my eyes. “Why don’t we just wait until morning?”

He shook his head. “I just can’t be here right now.”

“At least let me drive you. Please?”

Han nodded, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “Okay.”

We made the drive to Han’s tíos’ house in excruciating silence. All I wanted to do was turn the car around and take back our breakup, but I couldn’t. Instead of pulling up to the driveway, I took the long way through the dirt alley to the back of the house. Since it was so late, Han didn’t want to wake anyone up by knocking, and his tíos left a spare key in a potted plant in the carport. When I pulled up behind the house, Han put his hand on the door handle but hesitated to open it. He stayed frozen like that for a moment before quickly turning around and throwing his arms around me. I wrapped mine around him, rubbing his back.

“It’s gonna be okay,” I said, even though it really, really wasn’t.

We sat there holding each other, letting out all the tears, holding off having to separate as long as we possibly could. Instead of pulling apart, Han loosened his grip and pressed his forehead against mine, closing his eyes and pushing out a couple of stray tears. I cupped his cheeks in my hands.

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