Page 85 of The Broposal

“Uy!” I hissed at the forgotten ache in my ankle. “You could just ask me to move instead of all the manhandling.” I forced a laugh. I could always count on Leti not to treat me like I was delicate and breakable no matter what I was going through. I appreciated that about them.

“You wouldn’t have moved,” Leti said, handing me a plate of bacon and eggs, then putting another plate in their lap.

It was probably true. I was too physically and emotionally drained to move on my own right now. I could have used another couple of hours of wallowing. But I couldn’t exactly demand time to sulk while I was on the living room couch in a house full of people. I picked up a piece of now-microwaved bacon and took a bite. It wasn’t as good as it would have been fresh, but I appreciated the free meal.

“You still good to babysit?” Mariana asked Leti while she and Tía Mary got their bags before carpooling to work.

“Yup!” Leti shoveled the rest of the food in their mouth, thenreached out their arms for Mateo to come. He happily waddled over to Leti, and they picked him up and held him in their lap. “You down to help me babysit?” Leti asked me.

I checked my phone. I still had another couple of hours before Kenny would be leaving for work and I’d have a chance to go get my stuff.

I guessed it would be nice to feel useful now that I was out of a job, so I agreed. It was a good way to help pass the time, but every time Leti went to the bathroom or went to make some food for Mateo, leaving me alone with him, it made me want to cry for some reason. I wondered if Kenny would be okay raising his baby with Jackie. I wanted to be mad at him and not care, but how could I? This whole thing was Jackie’s fault, not Kenny’s. I just wished there was a way I could still help with the baby, but I knew there wasn’t. I didn’t even know if I’d be allowed anywhere near Kenny anymore without Jackie making good on her threat.

I couldn’t believe one person had the power to completely ruin everything for me. Not only could I not be with Kenny anymore, but I couldn’t even get my green card. Jackie could hold that threat over me for the rest of my life, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I wished I had my laptop so I could write to my mom. But then, that might have just made me even more depressed.

I thought about channeling a jellyfish again and going back to polyp, but right now it was my mom who I wished was more like a jellyfish. If she could live forever like a jellyfish, maybe we’d have time to make things right. Maybe I’d have time to actually send her one of the many letters I’d written over the years. I hadn’t written one of those letters since before she died.

Still, though… some part of me felt like I needed to writeone more. Just to find some kind of closure about everything. Since I didn’t have my laptop, I went into the supply closet and grabbed an ancient half-used notebook and a pencil. I sat back down on the couch, hunched over the paper on the coffee table for several minutes before I could bring myself to write a single word, but once the first one came, the rest followed quickly. I wasn’t writing to the made-up mom in my head this time. I was writing toher.

Dear Mami…

I feel like I have no right to be mad, but I am. I know your addiction wasn’t your fault. I know you tried to fight it. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you to help you through it.

But I’m mad.

I’m mad we didn’t have more time. I’m mad we didn’t talk more while you were still here. I’m mad that you were never there for me, and I’m even more mad I wasn’t for you.

But even after everything you did or didn’t do, there’s one thing I want to thank you for. Thank you for sending me to Tía Mary and Tío Nacho. You knew you couldn’t take care of me, but you made sure I was taken care of. If that was all you could have done for me, it was enough.

Thank you.

And I’m sorry.

Love,

Han

I stared at the letter for a while and let out a sad sigh. But Leti came back from the bathroom soon enough, banishing anythoughts of Kenny and my mom from my mind. It was already way past time for Kenny to head to work, so I started getting ready to go myself. I didn’t really have much getting ready to do, considering all I had to wear were my work clothes from the day before.

I decided to just use one crutch today, that way I’d be able to roll a suitcase full of stuff and walk at the same time. Hopefully I’d be able to make that work. The suitcase was at my—Kenny’s—apartment, so I would just pick it up when I got there.

“You sure you don’t wanna wait till Mariana gets home so I can go with you?” Leti asked.

“Nah, I want to go while he’s still working.”

I called an Uber, since it was way too far to walk on crutches. Once I got to the apartment, I rushed out of the car. I wanted to get this over with as soon as possible.

It took me a while to make my way up the stairs with my one crutch, and I absolutely dreaded having to come back down with a suitcase in tow—I’d probably have to sit on my ass and slide down the steps one at a time—but I’d think about that later. I stuck my key in the lock and opened the door, then made eye contact with the exact person I was trying to avoid. Kenny sat on the couch in front of the TV with a deer-in-the-headlights look. He was bundled up in a blanket, hugging Thornelius in his arms like a pillow. His eyes were puffy, and his cheeks and nose were red. He’d clearly been crying.

Luna greeted me first, wagging her tail excitedly like she had no idea how fucked this all was.

“Han?”

“Sorry, I thought you’d be working,” I muttered as I leaned forward to pet Luna. Anything to avoid looking at him.

“Yeah, I called in.” Kenny had this puppy-dog look as hestared at me. I hated how hearing that he called in made me so angry. I was less than twenty minutes late to work and got fired, while Kenny could just call off anytime he wanted. It was such bullshit.

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