Page 11 of Lost In The Dark

“I’m going to push to have the charges against Addy dropped, but if that fails, I should be able to have her released for now, as the forensics are run on those rooms.”

“W-was I down there?” I asked as I clutched my rolling stomach.

“We need evidence to prove it, but I think you probably were, yes. I’m sorry Addy,” Max told me gently.

“I think I’m going to be sick,” I gasped. Instantly Eli was thrusting a trash can before me. Thankfully, it had been changed from when I threw up earlier. The retching started again, and tears poured down my face, but still nothing came up.

What had that senator done to me? How long did he have me? I wanted to remember, and yet I was terrified to. Was knowing worse than not knowing?

“Addy, just breathe now. You’re okay. You’re safe with us. Just breathe,” Asher said. His voice startled me from my thoughts and when I looked up he was beside me, rubbing his hand up and down my back.

I took a gasping breath, not even realizing how much I had lost control until that moment.

“Sorry,” I whispered. “I…I’m okay.”

“I need to make some calls. I’ll be close by if you need anything,” Max told us, then he was gone again.

“Here Addy. Try to drink some water,” Eli suggested as he handed me an uncapped bottle.

I took the bottle, but my hand shook too badly to hold it to my lips. Instead I nursed it between my hands and tried hard to take deeper breaths. I had to calm down. Losing all control wasn’t going to change anything that had already happened to me, and I didn’t feel safe enough to lose control in that place, surrounded by police who seemed determined to charge me with murder. I needed to keep my head until I was out of there and some place safe, and to do that I had to stop imagining all of the scenarios that were running through my mind – scenarios of what on earth had happened to me in the last two years.

Except that was so much easier said than done. My brain was in panic mode, fighting to piece together all of the time I had lost, desperate to know every single thing that had happened to me, and terrified to know any of it, at the same time.

Anxiety was no stranger to me. I had my first panic attack when I was twelve years old. My mom had been having a really bad day and lashed out at me, hitting my face, and leaving a dark bruise. I’d spent the day having to lie to teachers about where it had come from, never wanting them to call CPS on me. Then I got home to a stack of letters demanding payment for bills that I had no cash to cover, and it had been the final straw. I had collapsed to the floor, unable to breathe, my fingers and toes tingling and my heart beating so hard I was sure I was having a heart attack.

As the years passed and life got tougher and tougher, anxiety had become a regular issue, but one that I had learned to live with. For the most part I could breathe through anxiety attacks when they came, and remain upright at least.

But now, in that moment, I could feel anxiety crushing me from the inside out as my thoughts spiraled deeper and deeper into darkness. I wanted nothing more than to run to the corner and make myself as small as I could, so I could just let my brain have the melt down it needed. But life had also taught me some very valuable lessons, in very tough ways, and I knew only too well how stupid it would be to let myself crumble in such an unsafe place, surrounded by two guys who I barely knew.

So I forced myself to take some deep breaths and started to silently count in my head – a desperate attempt to slow my whirring mind.

“Addy, is there something we can do to help you right now?” Eli asked gently. I could feel his warm hand on my knee through thedenim of my jeans, and I found it a comfort. Asher was still at my side, rubbing his hand up and down my back soothingly, and it helped. They both helped to calm me and ground me back in that room.

“I’m okay,” I replied, a little less breathless now. “I’m sorry I freaked out.”

“I think, given the situation, you are well within your rights to freak out,” Asher told me, and Eli nodded in agreement.

“You’re doing great, Addy. I’d be freaking out way more if I were where you are right now. You must be so strong,” he added.

I laughed a little through my sniffling. “I’m definitely not,” I assured him. “I’m completely terrified and holding on by a thread right now,” I admitted.

“You’re not alone. We’re right here with you.” Eli gave his hand on my knee a squeeze as he spoke. “I know you don’t know us and have no reason to trust us right now, but please try to believe me when I say we are here for you, through this and for as long as you’ll allow us to be. We’re not going anywhere.”

“You don’t even know if we’re really related. Why would you care so much?” I asked, genuinely confused.

“I think we do know, sweetheart,” Asher spoke up as he crouched beside me and met my eyes. His face had softened and he seemed more relaxed than when he’d first walked in. “There’s no denying the similarities between you, Eli, and our father. The two of you could be twins. You’re definitely our sister.”

I looked to Eli again, and took in his features. I knew Asher was right. I had already been shocked by how very much we looked alike. We really could have been twins. But it was so much to take in. I had brothers – two of them! And they seemedgenuinely kind and caring. It was more than I had ever hoped or wished to have in my life when I was growing up alone and struggling to survive.

“What does that mean? I…I never had family really. Just my mom.”

“It means you’re stuck with us now,” Eli laughed.

“It means we’re here for you, in whatever way you’ll allow us to be. We understand if you want nothing to do with us. There’s no denying our father was a complete asshole who abandoned you, and we get it if you hold a grudge because of that,” Asher went on. I glanced to Eli and saw worry on his tense face. I didn’t know him well enough to decipher it, but to me it seemed he was worried I’d reject them. “But if you’ll let us, we’d like to get to know you. If you want to do that from a distance, just getting together in the holidays and such, then we’ll respect that, but we’d really prefer it if you’d come and stay with us for a while. Live with us while you get back on your feet. We’d really like to take care of you. We want to be the big brothers we should always have been allowed to be.”

“I…that sounds really good, and it’s so kind of you, but I have to go home. My house…a-and my job. I have to get back to them,” I floundered. It was hard to find the right words after they had made such a kind, genuine declaration. I wanted them to be in my life. I wanted to know them and to be the sister I should have gotten the chance to be, but I had a life I had worked damn hard to get together, and I couldn’t just abandon it.

I lifted my head and caught a glimpse of the worried look Eli and Asher were sharing.

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