Page 33 of Lost In The Dark

My eyes started to fall closed, my body completely exhausted from the meltdown I’d had and also wonderfully comfortable where I found myself.

“Addy?” Startled, I opened my eyes and found Eli leaning in to see my face. “Are you okay?” His face was filled with panic and worry and I hated myself all over again for putting it there. “Asher and I…we didn’t know what to do and Kane…he just knew.”

“I’m okay,” I croaked as I forced a smile for him. I looked up and met Kane’s eyes again. He too looked worried, but he hid it with just the hint of a smile.

“You did good, Addy. Are you feeling better?” he asked. He released me just enough so I could sit up and face him, but his hands remained on my hips and I didn’t want him to let go.

“How did you know…what to do, I mean?” I asked. My throat hurt and my voice remained croaky.

“After the military I had panic attacks too. PTSD,” he replied. I wanted to ask him for more information, like if he still hadthem and how he stopped them, if he could, but he seemed uncomfortable with the subject, so I left it.

“Thank you…f-for helping me,” I told him instead.

“Anytime, gorgeous,” he told me with an even fuller smile.

“Can I get you something, sweetheart?” I turned at the sound of Asher’s voice and was shocked to find not only he and Eli stood there, but also Adam and Jordan too, and they all looked a little shaken.

“She should rest. Panic attacks can take a lot out of you,” Kane spoke up, then he looked to me. “I’m going to pick you up, okay?”

“I’m okay now. I c-can stand,” I argued.

“We’ll see,” he told me, then before I could say a word he stood up and lifted me with him like I weighed nothing. He held me under my butt, as I kept my arms around his neck so I wouldn’t just drop.

Reluctantly, once he was upright I lowered my legs and released my grip on him. I wanted to stay against him, warm and safe, but it was already madness that I’d held onto him as I had. He probably thought I was crazy and unstable.

He released his hold on me, moved his hands to my hips, and held me there as I lowered my weight to my feet. I’d barely released him before my legs started to tremble hard, but I tensed them and made them take my weight, refusing to look any weaker than I already did. My ribs and wrist were throbbing and my back burned angrily, but I forced myself to release Kane fully and stand as straight as I could.

I looked up to Kane triumphantly, hoping to prove I had been right that I could stand, but the way he was looking at me toldme instantly he knew how hard I had to fight to remain that way. I had the distinct feeling that nothing ever got past this guy and I hated that, because I had so much I didn’t want others to see right then.

Thankfully, Asher had also noticed something because he appeared at my side and wrapped his arm around me before my legs gave out.

“What do you want to do, Addy? Do you want me to take you up to your room?” he offered. The second I looked up into his blue eyes all of my bravado failed me and my eyes filled with tears which I fought to hold back. All of the fear and noise may have quieted with the distraction of Kane, but it hit me hard as I looked at Asher.

“Th-there were more Asher,” I squeaked. “So many more. I…I remembered them, so many of them.”

“More what? What did you remember?” Jordan asked as Asher pulled me against his side and wrapped both of his arms around me.

I looked up at Jordan through my tear filled eyes as I spoke, “Men…monsters who h-hurt me.”

I was sobbing again as Asher gathered me into his arms and held me tight against his chest. I knew I’d promised myself I do better that morning, but how could I when I now knew how many men had hurt me, violated me, and who knew what else? That may not even be all of them. There could be more memories to come.

I was broken as Asher carried me upstairs, unable to stop sobbing brokenheartedly. How could I ever over come this? How could I ever be who I was before or get my life back knowingwhat was slowly returning to me? Knowing so many monsters had wrecked and destroyed me, piece by piece?

As Asher sat down and settled me in his lap, I buried my face against his chest and cried until there were no tears left. So much was going through my mind. Would those monsters be caught? Were they hurting other innocent women like me as I sat there? Would there be more to remember? Then the practical issues came to mind. How long ago was it? What if I had caught an STD from one of them? What if I’d become pregnant? I had no memory. Had I had a baby? Did I have a child out there? Did I lose a child? Did I have syphilis or some other deadly disease? Could I even have kids in the future after all they’d done to me? Did I even want to bring kids into this messed up world?

I was spiraling and losing every ounce of control I’d thought I had earlier that morning. I was drowning in the fear of what I had remembered and the possibilities of what was yet to come. Then my thoughts got really dark. Did I even want to be around to remember more? Was it worth suffering those memories when I was already so unsure that I could continue to live with what I already knew? What did I really have to live for anyway?

I had lost everything – my job, my home, all of my belongings, and – worst of all – me. I had lost myself. Who even was I anymore? I had shot a man! Yes he was a monster, but who had I become to be okay with such an act? How could I live knowing what had been done to me?

“Addy, we’re here. Asher and I were both here and I wish we could do something to make this all go away for you,” Eli said, pulling me from my thoughts.

“He’s right, sweetheart. I know we’re useless at knowing what to do, but don’t ever doubt that we’re here for you. You’re notalone. Whatever comes, whatever you have to get through, you will never be alone again. You have the both of us now,” Asher agreed.

“I’m s-so sc-cared I won’t be able t-to survive this,” I admitted, my words barely coming out of my tight throat. “I’m scared I w-won’t want to.”

“Don’t you say that, Addy!” Eli snapped as he looked over Asher’s shoulder and met my eyes. “You will survive this because you’re strong. You already survived two years of horror and you’re still here. Now you have us, and the guys downstairs. We won’t let you give up. We won’t let you stop fighting.”

“You’re exhausted. We all are. Why don’t we just try and sleep for a while, okay? Things will seem a little better once you sleep,” Asher told me.

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