Page 34 of Lost In The Dark

“Will you…would you both stay with me?” I sniffled as I looked between them.

“We’re not going anywhere,” Asher promised as Eli nodded his own agreement.

CHAPTER 11

ADDY

As soon as consciousness returned to me, before I even opened my eyes, I recalled everything that had happened before I had cried myself to sleep.

I felt Eli and Asher were still at both of my sides, and judging by their steady breathing, they were both still asleep. I was glad for that at least. They had barely been able to sleep a wink since they’d met me, because I had awoken them with my screams each time they had dropped off. They had both looked exhausted that morning and the guilt I felt for that was huge.

More than anything I wanted to be stronger, if not for my own sake, then to spare the both of them. I had tried that morning. I had been so determined to do better and to not fall apart, but I don’t think I had even lasted ten minutes before I had lost it and had that panic attack. And I was angry at myself for that!

I had never in my life professed to be strong. I wasn’t and never had been, but I had always managed to keep myself together in public. No matter what happened to me as a kid, I had never let anyone in school, or at the jobs I worked, see how broken I felt inside. I had cried. God, had I cried, but it had always been in the privacy of our bathroom at home, a locked door keeping the rest of the world from seeing me at my weakest. Even my panicattacks were kept private. No one ever knew the mess I was inside and that was how I wanted it.

Now, my crazy darkness was spilling out of me left, right, and center and everyone around me was not only baring witness, but they were also being dragged right down with me.

I opened my eyes and glanced first to Eli on my right, then Asher on my left. We were all laid on top of the comforter, since the house was so warm. I had a feeling that was because of me too. They had both laid down with me and each held one of my hands as I continued to cry quietly, until eventually I must have worn myself out and fallen asleep.

Now they both looked peaceful and settled and I wanted to make sure they stayed that way. I refused to pull them from the sleep they both so desperately needed again. So I sat up and moved ever so slowly between them until I eventually slipped silently from the foot of the huge bed, and got to my feet.

Dizziness hit me hard and fast as I stood, but I managed to stumble over to the wall and brace myself against it without making any noise. I knew I needed to eat. I had barely eaten anything since I woke in that hospital bed weeks before, and judging by how skeletal I had become, I hadn’t eaten well in the months that I had no memory of either.

The idea of going down to the kitchen and meeting Adam, since that seemed to be his domain, scared me way more than it should, and I instinctively looked to my brothers for their support. I considered waking them, but how could I? I had just resolved in my mind that they desperately needed to sleep.

So instead I took a deep breath and opened the bedroom door. I told myself over and over that Adam was safe and that I didn’t need to be afraid of him, but my brain didn’t seem to believe meas I shakily moved down the stairs very slowly, the whole time leaning heavily against the wall for support and to stop the world from spinning.

It wasn’t until I got to the foot of the stairs and heard quiet music coming from the direction of the kitchen, that I realized I hadn’t even looked in a mirror before coming down. I had no doubt, after the episode that morning, and then sleeping for several hours, I looked a state. I ran a hand over my hair and realized it was half out of the tie I had used to tame it earlier, and definitely sticking up as it tended to do. I knew my face was probably blotchy with demon-red eyes, but there was no way I had the energy to get back upstairs, and even if I could, after everything, I found I wasn’t actually that bothered about the way I looked. I had bigger worries on my mind. Like the multiple men I had remembered abusing and raping me, during the flashback that morning.God, Addy, don’t go there!

I pulled my hair tie free and tried to tame my wild hair with my fingers a little, before fixing it into a bun again, then took a deep breath and forced myself to move forward. I needed to be stronger, and facing Adam and whoever else was in the kitchen would have to be step one.

Thankfully, as I slowly rounded the corner and made my way closer to the open kitchen area of the wide living space, I only found Adam in there. He had his back to me as he placed something into the oven, and he was quietly humming to the song playing on the radio. He had changed since the morning, now in jeans and a sweater that clung to him in just the right way.

It occurred to me that I had never really taken the time to appreciate men the way I had the guys who lived with Asher and Eli, but what red blooded woman could fail to notice just howattractive Adam, Jordan, and Kane were? They were like models, all very different but all devastatingly handsome. Suddenly not caring about the way I looked felt like a foolish decision. These guys and my brothers obviously cared about their appearance and there I was like a slob, not even bothering to run a brush through my wild mane of hair.

“Addy?” I jumped a little and snapped my eyes up to find Adam frozen in the kitchen, now facing me, and looking concerned. “Is everything okay?” he asked cautiously. He looked as though he dare not move a muscle for fear of scaring me. And who could blame him after that morning’s freak out?

“I…yeah,” I stuttered as I worked hard to maintain eye contact with him when all I really wanted to do was lower my eyes. “Asher a-and Eli…they’re asleep. I d-didn’t want to wake them.”

“I’m sure they wouldn’t mind you waking them.”

“I know,” I nodded. “But I…I’m okay and they n-need to sleep.” I pulled at the sleeves of my sweater so they covered my hands, my nerves beginning to overwhelm me.

“Yeah, I think they could definitely do with catching up on some Z’s,” he agreed with a nod. “Do you want to sit down? I was just getting things started for dinner tonight.” He waved his hands to the stools at the island he stood behind, and I nodded and shakily moved over to the seat furthest from him and closest to the door. I told myself Asher and Eli would hear me if I screamed for them.

Getting onto the high stool proved difficult without help, my ribs smarting with every movement, but I was relieved when Adam didn’t rush up behind me to help. I needed him to stay where he was, with a counter between us.

By the time I had sat and taken a few deep breaths for the pain, Adam was busying himself pulling ingredients from the refrigerator, though I noticed he was sneaking small glances at me with every item he grabbed.

“W-what are you making?” I asked, determined to try and show him I could be a regular, not crazy, person.

“Moussaka. It’s Eli’s favorite,” he replied as he looked to me with a gentle smile. His whole face softened when he smiled and I was relieved he seemed to have relaxed a little since he first saw me. It made things feel a little less tense.

“I don’t think I ever had it,” I shrugged. “It has eggplant, right?”

“Right,” Adam nodded. “It’s Greek. I don’t make it often because it has a lot of cream and cheese, but I figured we could all use some comfort food tonight.”

Because of me, I thought. Eli and Asher needed comfort food because of all of the stress I had landed on them.I never should have come home with them, I told myself.They were so much better without me messing everything up for them.

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