Page 53 of Lost In The Dark

“Are you ready, princess?” Jordan called up the stairs to me. I had been excited when he asked me if I wanted to go out for a walk in Central Park that morning, after we all ate breakfast. Asher and Eli had headed out to the office for the morning, and I had been trying to decide if I would spend my day reading or watching trash TV again.

It wasn’t that I was bored. I knew I was still in too much pain to do much more than just sit and relax, but Asher and Eli had been going into the office every morning for a full week now and I knew soon they would be going for full days. That meant it was time for me to start thinking about what I was going to do with my life, and that was a daunting prospect considering the mess I knew I was.

Thankfully, I had still had company in the house all week, which helped my thoughts from spiraling too deeply. Jordan was home more since he had left his job, and as Adam had said to me, he was always home, which was a relief, since I just didn’t feel ready to be left alone in the huge house yet.

I was getting antsy though. The future couldn’t be put off forever and I knew soon I’d need to make some tough decisions, and that terrified me. There with all of the guys I had found a bubble of safety. Yes, the horror of the last two years still haunted mealmost constantly, and still often succeeded in pulling me deep into the darkness, but between those episodes I had found peace in that house. I found myself smiling and laughing often, and I had no fears about my safety, with all of the security in place. The idea that I would one day soon need to move out and find my own place was a terrifying scenario. I honestly wasn’t sure I could do it, but I knew the time was fast approaching. I couldn’t just continue to hide out there, constantly taking from my brothers. I was twenty-six years old and I needed to stand on my own two feet.

“Addy? You okay?” Jordan called up to me again when I failed to answer him. I shook my head, realizing I had zoned out again. How could I even consider finding a job when I continued to do that so often? And then there were the flashbacks and anxiety attacks. I was a walking, talking disaster.

“I’ll just be a minute, Jordan,” I called back. I was already feeling anxious about leaving the property to walk around the park. The idea of me living alone was laughable.

I pushed back the thoughts and worries and finished tying my hair back. Eli had ordered me more clothes the other day, and amongst them had been the knitted headband I held. It was the softest wool and a beautiful deep purple color. He’d told me I could wear it over my ears to keep them warm, instead of a hat, so I’d decided to try it out.

I’d told myself again and again as I changed from the leggings and hoodie I’d been wearing, into tight fitting jeans and a cute black sweater, that I wasn’t dressing up because I wanted to look good for Jordan. It was a lie of course, but one I was deluding myself with pretty successfully.

It had been almost a week since the moment I had with Adam and thankfully, we seemed to have pushed past it. Adam hadn’t mentioned anything, leaving me to wonder if I had just blown the whole thing out of proportion, like I had with Kane. I had no idea. It was hard enough to think straight with the craziness going on in my head between very regular flashbacks and nightmares. I’d decided to let it lie and not worry about it, and the rest of the week had gone by uneventfully.

Adam and I were good, him being just as kind and patient with me as he had always been. He and Jordan had been with me most days and they had tried hard to keep me company and make me smile. When an episode hit, if Asher and Eli weren’t home, they were always there with me, to hold me and get me through it.

I’d come to rely on them as much as I was leaning on Asher and Eli. I knew I shouldn’t. I knew I needed to learn to rely on myself, but everything had just been so tough, and having people to support me felt too good to turn down. Again, I just deluded myself with reassurances that it was just a temporary weakness.

So I’d taken their kindness and friendship and clung to it tightly. It was the light when the darkness engulfed me and it, along with the love I got from Asher and Eli, seemed to be the only thing keeping me afloat at times.

I just wished my feelings for Adam and Jordan weren’t so confusing. The fact I was attracted to them had become glaringly obvious to me, and that was a shock in itself because I was pretty sure I had never been interested enough to really be truly attracted to any man. I’d honestly never been that interested in the idea of a relationship. I’d tried it once when I was in my early twenties and that had not gone well. Ever since I’d just been happier alone. But now, I didn’t understand it, but I wasdrawn to both Jordan and Adam. I couldn’t fail to appreciate how handsome they were every time they walked into a room, but more than that was their personalities. They were kind, and funny, but also so intelligent and intuitive. They could always make me smile, and when I was with them I not only felt safe, but I also felt able to relax and just be my weird, slightly awkward self.

I knew I wouldn’t act on my feelings. I couldn’t. Having feelings for them was one thing, but the idea of getting intimate with either of them, or any man for that matter, after the memories I had recovered – that seemed impossible and I was pretty sure it was something I would never want. No, all we could ever be was friends, which was good, since I seemed to be falling for both of them, and wouldn’t that have been a complicated mess!

Then there was Kane. I had feelings for him too. I hadn’t seen him since that day in the garden, when he’d blown up at me about my text, but that hadn’t stopped me thinking about him and longing for him to just come through the door of the house. He got me the way no one else could. He not only saw my darkness, but he also seemed to know it personally and, on my worst days, he had been the one I wanted to run to. But I knew I couldn’t. He’d made that clear. I was a job to him and nothing more. Whatever I felt, or thought I felt, was not and would never be reciprocated.

God, I was a mess! Feelings for three guys! How did I even let that happen? Who had feelings for three guys all at once anyway? I knew I had to stop it in its tracks and get a grip, but I just couldn’t seem to. It was like my mind was not under my control any longer and that was a scary feeling.

Thankfully, I had my first appointment with the trauma counsellor coming up, and I really hoped this woman, who Asherhad assured me came highly recommended, would be able to help me gain back some control of every aspect of my life before it totally ran off of the tracks and into the abyss I felt opening wider and wider beneath me, with every moment that passed.

“Addy?” I jumped at how close the voice was and looked to the doorway where Jordan stood looking at me with concern. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to check on you. You’ve been a while. Are you feeling alright?” he asked.

“I’m good,” I nodded as I straightened the hair band over my ears and stepped away from the mirror. “Sorry. I got lost in my head.”

“You do that a lot. Do you want to talk about anything?” he offered as he took a couple more steps into my room and stopped a few feet from me. He looked great in the black jeans and cream sweater he wore. His hair was, as always, styled perfectly in place and not for the first time I wished I could run my fingers through it. He was wearing heavy boots and the chrome of his oversized watch was catching the sun that came through the window. I looked into his eyes and smiled a little. I loved the way the flecks of gold sparkled in his irises when the light was just right.

“I’m fine. Are you sure this is okay though? Us leaving the house? Is it safe?” I worried as I nervously pulled at the sleeve of my sweater.

“I cleared it with Kane. He’s going to drive us and stay close, while another car with two guys follows. It’s safe, princess. I promise.” He stepped closer and took my hand in his. His skin was so warm compared to mine, and I wished he’d just pull me into his arms and press me against his heated, hard body. “I would never let anything happen to you. You know that, right?” he asked softly.

“I know,” I nodded, my eyes still locked on his. “It’s just kind of scary I guess. I haven’t left this property since the day I got here, and Kane said people could be after me. I know how lame I sound but I….I’m not strong enough to be taken again, Jordan.” A tear slipped free and I felt pathetic showing how very weak I was feeling, but I couldn’t hold it in. It was something he was good at, pulling the truth from me. He didn’t even have to say anything and I found myself pouring my heart out to him.

I tried to drop my eyes, but he wasn’t having that. He cupped my face between his hands softly and held me there until my eyes met his again.

“No one is ever taking you again, you hear me? None of us will ever let that happen. Kane will have our backs, along with the other security guys, and I’ve trained with Asher and Adam since I was old enough to keep pads on my hands. You’re protected, Addy. I would never take you out if I weren’t one hundred per cent sure of that.”

“I trust you,” I told him. “And I do want to get out of this house.”

“Of course you do. It’s a really nice house, but you can’t stay cooped up here forever. After everything you have survived, you deserve to get out and live. I intend to help you do that,” he told me with a bright, beaming smile that was infectious.

“You’re right,” I agreed with a nod. I quickly swiped the tears from my cheeks and smiled shakily. “But, just…maybe we take baby steps, okay?”

“Fine. I’ll give it a few weeks before I take you out to my favorite club,” he teased. “Come on. Kane’s waiting for us.”

He pulled me from my room, and I tried to focus on how good my hand felt wrapped in his much larger one, more than the worry flooding me over seeing Kane again.

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