Page 63 of Lost In The Dark

“Everything okay, boss?” he asked, clearly talking to Asher, but he didn’t take his eyes from me.

The stupid part of me that just didn’t seem to comprehend that Kane did not want me, was telling me to go to him and wrap my arms around his waist. I just wanted to feel his body pressed against mine again. I wanted to feel the calmness that had settled over me when he held me and looked into my eyes so knowingly, like he could see every dark thought and demon that dwelled there.

“It will be when we get out of this place. Are the cars outside?” Asher asked.

“Yeah. I have five guys down there too. Andy will drive Adam’s truck back if you give him the keys. The rest are with us,” Kane explained.

“Shouldn’t you be at home by now? You’ve been working for hours?” I asked, unable to stop myself, worried by just how very drained he looked.

“I’m good. I told you earlier, I go where you go,” he told me and his features seemed to soften a little as he faced me.

“Okay,” I nodded. “Well thank you, I guess…for staying with me…us.” He gave me a nod in return, then he turned away and started to lead the way down the corridor. We all fell in behindhim and I didn’t miss the fact the guys who had been at the park earlier that day, were surrounding us all too.

“Still alright, little dot?” Asher asked when we got to the ground floor. I knew I was stumbling a little, just completely wiped out.

“Not really,” I answered honestly. “But I’ll be a little better when we get home.”

“Me too, sweetheart. I’ll feel a lot better when we’re all securely on our property again,” he sighed.

“You worry too much,” I told him. “Eli and I, we’ll be okay you know? You don’t always have to be the tough one.”

“Idoneed to be the tough one though, Addy. I know it’s messed up, but protecting the two of you, and the rest of our little family, it gives me a purpose.”

“You have way more purpose on this earth than just looking out for us all, Asher,” I pointed out as I looked up to him with concern. We were almost at the entrance of the hospital, but Asher slowed a little.

“I guess I’m just feeling a little lost right now. I always planned to serve my whole career with the military. Now I don’t have that, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with my life. The only thing I am completely sure of is that there is nothing I won’t do to protect the people I love.”

“You’re a good man, Asher Lyle,” I sighed as I snuggled tighter into his side. “And don’t worry. You’re not the only one who’s lost right now. Maybe together we can find our way a little.” I was unsure on whether I would ever be strong enough to do that, but in that moment, all I really wanted was to say something to soothe the stress and worry I saw in my brother.

“That would be good,” he agreed as we reached the entrance. He stopped and turned to check Eli, Adam, and Jordan were still behind us, then we all made our way out to the waiting cars.

CHAPTER 20

ADDY

It was late by the time we all got home. It had been almost twelve hours since I left for the park that morning with Jordan and I was exhausted.

Asher had insisted that I needed to eat something, and he and Adam had set to work making grilled cheese for everyone, while Jordan and Eli started going through the numerous pills I had been given, and discussing when each should be taken. I knew I should care, and help, but the truth was, I just couldn’t find the will to.

I was zombie like as we sat down to eat together. The guys were chatting, but I couldn’t have told you what about. All that was swirling through my head was the fact that I had all of those pills to take on a daily basis to manage something that monster senator had done to me. The pain of those currents being charged through that cage and straight into me, from the memory I had recovered, was haunting me, as was the face of that sadistic psycho as he had smiled while torturing me.

“Addy, try to eat a little more, please. You’ve barely eaten all day and you have these meds to take,” Eli prompted, pulling me from the images that were pulling me down further and further.

I didn’t have it in me to answer, so I just nodded and took another bite, the food feeling and tasting like cardboard in my mouth.

I managed to choke down half a sandwich, which seemed to settle Eli, and the others down, then I numbly swallowed down the half dozen tablets Jordan handed me one at a time. I didn’t know what they were or what they did. I didn’t want to know. I just wanted to pretend none of that day had happened in the hope it would also block out all it was bringing back with it.

Eli walked me up to my room when I said that I was tired. He offered to stay with me, but I told him I was fine and just needed a little space. I knew he hated to leave me, especially when he was still worried about what had happened that day, but I just needed him to go. I needed them all to leave me that night. I had needed them all so much since I got to that house. Asher and Eli had been with me every single night, there to soothe me after nightmares and make me feel safe and loved, but that night I didn’t need that. I didn’t know what I needed. I felt completely lost, if I were honest, just like Asher had said earlier. I didn’t know how to even begin to pick up the pieces of myself and find a way to make them into anything worthwhile. I didn’t even know if I wanted to in that moment.

I stripped off my clothes and climbed into the steaming hot shower, then sank to my knees and just started to sob. I had tried so hard, since the first day I woke in that hospital with no memories of the last two years, to push on and keep going. Plenty had knocked me back in the weeks since, and I rarely felt like I was winning the battle, but I kept on trying. I wanted to be strong and brave and tough, and all of the other things the guys all continuously told me I was, but the truth was, I just wasn’t any of those things and pretending would only ever get me so far.

I was on the edge, I realized; the edge of that abyss that kept on opening up beneath me and trying to consume me whole. I was clinging to the edge and trying not to fall into the darkness, but that night, after what had happened and what I had found out, I wondered why exactly I was bothering to try and cling on to the edge at all.

I had been broken by traffickers and sick monsters who had kidnapped, drugged, sold, raped, tortured, and abused me. I didn’t even remember a quarter of that time, so whatever was to come back to me next was nothing but more terror to further destroy me. I was weak and falling apart at the seams. Now, even my body had failed me – that too broken by what they had done to me. It was enough. It was more than I could take and I just couldn’t find it in me to believe I should keep hanging on.

Eventually I literally crawled from the shower and wrapped a towel around myself. I felt utterly fractured, my thoughts in a complete mess and becoming darker and darker with every passing moment. Even though I knew I should pull myself out of it, I just couldn’t.

“What are you doing?” I lifted my head at the strange voice and found Karen stood over me. She was older than me by a good few years, but she still had an incredible body. She shared the room at the club with me and two other girls. She wasn’t a friend. The girls there didn’t have ‘friends.’ They were all like me, being held against their will, so they didn’t trust anyone enough to form any kind of bond, but Karen had been decent to me since I got there. She was one of the only people I could talk with.

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