Page 14 of Lost in the Light

“I’ll make it work. Adam too. We’re good with it,” he replied like it was all so simple. “Were you good laid like this with Ad too?”

I blushed at that question. I’d been fine with Adam – more than fine. Laying across the both of them felt perfect. The more time I spent with each of them, the more secure and safe I felt with them. It had come to a point where they were the ones I looked for over my brothers, after a flashback or when my anxiety hit. I loved my brothers of course, but they just didn’t soothe me and make me feel as secure as Adam and Jordan did.

“I guess so,” I hedged.

“You know he has feelings for you too, right?” Jordan asked, completely shocking me.

“Have you guys talked about this or something?” I gasped.

“No, but I know my brother. I haven’t seen him looking as peaceful as he looks with you, for a very long time. He’s falling for you, Addy, just like I am.”

“Oh God.” I covered my face with my hands and took a deep breath. “This is insane.”

“You don’t have feelings for him?”

“Of course I do!” I cried as I lowered my hands and lifted enough to look at him. “I have these insane feelings that I have no control over, and not just for Adam, but for you too, and…” I stopped myself from saying what came next. I’d said too much.

“And…?”

“It doesn’t matter, Jordan! I’m too fucked up to do anything about it anyway, so what’s the point?” I rose up to my knees and swung my leg over Jordan, moving until I was sitting on the edge of the bed with my face buried in my hands.

“Kane, right? You like Kane too. Is that what you were going to say?” Jordan asked as he sat up behind me and ran a hand over my back.

“It doesn’t matter! I can’t do this! I can’t even think about these stupid feelings when I’m such a mess. So much is going on. I shouldn’t even be having these thoughts about all of you. How could I ever have a real relationship anyway?” I got to my feet and backed away from the bed, just needing some space to try and calm down. I was freaking out, tears filling my eyes. I hadto stop it. My brothers needed me that morning. I had to be there for them. I refused to be falling apart and adding to their turmoil.

“We’d make it work, beautiful. All of us. We can find a way to be together if that’s what you want?” Jordan shuffled down the bed and settled at the foot, facing me where I had nervously paced to.

“All of us? What are you talking about?”

“You, me, Adam, and Kane. If you want all of us, we could find a way to make that work. You’ve heard of polyamorous relationships, right?”

“What? No! How could we….all four of us? You’re crazy,” I bumbled.

“Asher has a friend, Harris. He’s in this relationship with one woman and three other guys. They all live together. The guys aren’t together like that, but they’re all with the woman. Evie, I think her name is.”

“So you think we should do that?” I questioned with disbelief. “Me, with you, Adam, and Kane?”

“Why not? If you have feelings for all of us, and we return those feelings, why couldn’t it work?”

“Christ Jordan!” I hissed. “Maybe because I’m so traumatized the idea of ever having sex again makes me start shaking instantly. Maybe because I can’t even bear to take my clothes off anywhere near a reflective surface! Maybe because I can’t get through one god damned day without having panic attacks, flashbacks, and screaming the house down nightmares!” I could hardly breathe when I was done, and just as I’d said, just the mention of sex had me shaking hard.

“Addy…”

“No. I can’t! Please just go, Jordan. I need to be there for Asher and Eli today. I can’t do this right now,” I dismissed him, pulling away as he got to his feet and tried to come to me.

“Okay,” he agreed as he backed away towards the door, but kept his eyes on me. “But just think about it, okay? I know you’re scared and it seems like this huge thing right now, but it could work, princess. We could all be together. Maybe we all need each other too.”

I didn’t say anything. I just watched as he turned and left my room, quietly closing the door behind him.

Think about it? Was he insane? I was too scared to consider a relationship with just one of them, let alone all three! As if that could even work anyway! It was a ridiculous idea…wasn’t it?

CHAPTER 5

ADDY

It was still early as I walked into the kitchen, dressed in jeans and a sweater, freshly showered, and feeling calmer. I needed to put aside everything Jordan had said because I needed to be there for Asher and Eli as we faced whatever was to come next. Whatever was going on between me, and the three guys that I had crushes on, could wait. Hell, I wasn’t sure it ever really needed to be addressed again. What I had told Jordan was true. There was no way I could ever make it work with any or all of them. I was way too messed up.

I grabbed some water from the refrigerator then pulled on my coat and boots and headed into the garden. I didn’t want to be in the kitchen when Jordan came down, and if I were honest, I just wanted some fresh air to clear my mind.

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