Page 22 of Lost in the Light

“I don’t know. Kane…we were talking and he just…he kissed me. I wasn’t expecting it, but it….it felt good,” I admitted. “Are you mad?”

“No, princess. I’m not mad,” he told me as he leaned in to kiss the top of my head.

“It won’t happen again. Kane…he won’t break his promise to Asher, even if I could get myself together enough to try anything with us.”

“Do you want to try something with Kane…like dating maybe?” Jordan asked, his voice remaining steady and calm. I worried he’d be annoyed with me, but he wasn’t.

“What I want, and what I’m actually capable of are two very different things, Jordan,” I sighed.

“But you want Kane, right?”

I growled as I pulled from his grip and turned my back on him, irritated we were right back where we’d been that morning.

“Yes! Is that what you want to hear? I like him, okay? I like him just the way I like you and Adam. I feel safe when I’m with him, just the way I do with you guys too. My heart races and I get all hot and bothered every time one of you even just speaks to me. Of course I want you all. Who wouldn’t? You’re all gorgeous, patient, and so sweet with me, but it can never happen and it hurts, Jordan!” I cried defeatedly. “Every time you bring it up like this, every time I want so badly to kiss you or Adam, and then tonight…the kiss with Kane – it all just taunts me with what I can’t have and it hurts so much!” My words broke at the end as my eyes filled with tears I refused to allow to fall.

“You’re the only one stopping you from having what you want right now, Addy.” Jordan was behind me again now, so close Icould feel the heat of his body radiating into my frozen form. He rubbed his hands over my arms so softly it was like a whisper, and it soothed me for just a second, before reality kicked in again

“I can’t do it! Why can’t you understand that? I was raped Jordan, repeatedly! I don’t even know how many times! I was tortured! I cannot have a relationship! It won’t work!” My tears ran down my cheeks as I fought not to scream the words at him.

“Look at me,” Jordan commanded as he moved so he faced me. He dropped down to sit on the end of the bed and grabbed my hands, pulling me closer to him until I stood between his legs. I looked into his deep, dark eyes. “Think how you slept last night. You were laid on top of Adam, then on top of me. You relaxed against us and slept soundly. That day at the park we almost kissed, remember?” I nodded. That moment was hard to forget for me. It had been special. “You just kissed Kane. Were you scared? Did it cause any anxiety or a flashback?”

“No.”

“You know you can be close to all three of us, Addy, because you trust us. You know we’d never hurt you. I’m not saying that means you can jump right into bed with us. I know that will take a long time and a lot more trust, but we could get there one day, and until that day, why can’t we just try? We have feelings for you, all three of us. We want you, and you want us, right?”

“Yes.” There was no denying that.

“Then why can’t we just try? Wouldn’t you like more kisses like the one you shared with Kane? Wouldn’t it be good to go on dates and spend time getting to know each other? We don’t need more than that right now, at least I don’t, and I know Adam would agree. I just want you to give me – us – a chance. I’ve fallen so hard for you, and I can’t walk away. I don’t want to. Ifall we ever have is kisses and cuddles, it will be enough, Addy. I don’t need anything else as long as I have you.”

“And the others? Kane already said he can’t be with me.”

“Kane is an unknown right now, I’ll admit, but I know how Adam feels. I believe, as long as you’re good with dating both of us, Adam will be too.”

“It just seems so complicated. I shouldn’t even have feelings for all three of you, should I? That’s weird, isn’t it?”

“You feel how you feel, Addy. You love who you love. I don’t think we get much control over these things. We just have to go with them when they happen. Who’s to say what’s normal and what isn’t? As long as we’re happy and not hurting anyone, I believe we should all be free to love whoever and however we want to.”

“Well. I agree with that,” I said weakly.

“And the rest?” he asked hopefully.

“We need to speak to Adam, I guess,” I shrugged. “This is a lot and I want to be sure he’s even interested.”

“He is.”

“I’ll talk to him, but Kane’s out. I don’t want to force him into something he doesn’t want.”Why did those words hurt so damned much?

“You should still talk to him if things move forward. He should know from you that you’re dating Ad and I, if that’s what you decide,” Jordan pointed out, and I knew he was right. I owed Kane that much.

“I’m not agreeing yet, Jordan. I need to talk it through with Adam and there’s so much going on. I honestly don’t even know if it’s a good idea to try. What if I can never…you know? Be intimate. Guys need that, don’t they?” I was already starting to shake at just the idea of sex, even with the guys I had such intense feelings for. How could it ever be something I could bare to do again after I had been destroyed by it so many times before?

“Stop worrying so much. If we start to move forwards, it will be slowly, and at your pace. We’d never rush you into anything. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” I nodded firmly, because I did know that absolutely. Adam, Jordan, and Kane would never hurt me knowingly. That wasn’t my fear. My fear was failing them in an epic way and hurting them.

“Good.” Jordan got to his feet and kissed my temple. “Enough worrying for tonight then. You need to rest.” He pulled me to the bed and I watched as he climbed up and laid on his back, my hand still clutched in his.

He pulled me onto the bed after him and then I found myself laid over him, my head resting on his bare chest, just the way I had awoken the morning before. I sighed deeply, settled, and peaceful there with him despite the turmoil and confusion rushing through my thoughts.

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