Page 27 of Lost in the Light

I took a step back and breathed the cold air in deeply. It seemed to help with the tight grip my anxiety had on my chest and suddenly it felt a little easier to breathe again.

I closed my eyes as I wrapped my arms around myself tightly. It was so hard to think straight when there was so much going on in my head. Everything was just such a mess, and as desperate as I felt to try and find some order in the chaos, I just didn’t even know where to even begin.

Eli and Asher had had their entire lives turned upside down. Their family home had been reduced to ash and rubble, all to remove evidence of the hidden annex they never knew their father kept in the basement. My father. The man who took me to that private room at that sick party and tied me to a bed so he could torture me. What else did he do? Did he rape me? My own father? The thought alone made me feel nauseous. I was abused and tortured by so many men over those two years but the thought of it being my own father…It was too much. Just more terror and crippling confusion to add to the darkness that was still trying so desperately to drag me into the abyss, and drown me in it.

How was I supposed to keep myself in check enough to deal with the growing threat on my life, my insane feelings for the guys, and the very real fact I was way too broken and messed up to find any kind of future or life for myself? How was I supposed to keep on going and being okay when everything just kept on building and building? How could I stay strong enough not to be crushed under the weight of it all?

I wanted to be strong enough to be there for my brothers through all of the hell I knew they were about to face. I wanted to be strong enough to find the future I wanted for myself, and grab it. I wanted to be brave enough to find a way to go on, and give all of the monsters who tried to destroy me one almighty ‘fuck you’ with the amazing life I built for myself, but I just didn’t believe I could right then. It seemed impossible. I was scared, and I felt so very weak and drained. There was nothing left in the tank, and I had no clue how to replenish it.

“Addy?” I jolted and turned to the door where Adam stood with his arms folded over his chest to keep his hands warm. “Come on, baby. That’s enough for now. You must be frozen.”

“I’m okay.” If I were honest, I’d been too lost in my spiraling thoughts to even feel the cold.

“You’re not. You’re shivering. Get in here before I come out there in my socks and carry you in,” he added with much more command.Why was that making me feel all warm and tingly inside?

“Fine,” I groaned as I started tramping through the deep snow to get to him. As soon as I was close enough he gripped my hand, then looked to me with a growl.

“Your hands are like ice, Addy!” he exclaimed with annoyance. “No more going out there. You hear me? It’s too fucking cold.”

“Who died and made you my dad?” I joked, but paused when I realized exactly who my dad actually was.

“Some one has to keep an eye on you. You need to take better care of yourself,” he sighed as he slammed the door closed then started down the stairs, me trailing behind him with my hand still in his.

“It helps,” I tried to defend myself. “The fresh air and the cold. It’s the only way I can clear my head sometimes.”

“Then we need to make sure you have appropriate clothing. Trousers would be a good start,” he lectured as we reached the bottom of the stairs and walked back into the warmth of the apartment. I looked down and winced when I realized I was only wearing the shorts I’d slept in. They came to my knees, but they were thin. “I’ll make sure you have everything, including gloves and a warm hat, but I don’t want you going out there without telling one of us first, okay? We need to keep track of how long you spend out there.”

“You do realize I’m an adult, right?”

“I know, honey, and I’m not trying to patronize you. I know you can take care of yourself, but sometimes when you’re upset and struggling, it’s like you zone out and it scares me. That cold could kill you if you zoned out up there without one of us knowing.” He looked to me with so much emotion it had me feeling choked up. He cared about me so deeply. It was written all over his face and I felt bad for arguing with him. He was right of course. Once my anxiety and darkness took a grip on me I tended to lose the ability to think rationally.

“I’ll tell someone before I go out. I promise,” I whispered as I reached up on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek softly. “I’m sorry I worried you.”

“I’ll forgive you, this time.” He stepped back and seemed to give himself a shake. “Take off your boots and get wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa. I’ll make you some more tea. You ready to eat yet?”

I watched him as he walked away and back to the kitchen. He looked so handsome, even in the worn looking grey sweatpants and baggy t-shirt he’d obviously slept in. His body was sculpted to perfection, muscles visible everywhere you looked. My heart pounded hard after just the minimal contact we’d shared, and again, I found myself considering what Jordan had proposed.

I didn’t know if the relationship he’d suggested was feasible, but I could certainly get used to being able to cuddle up against and kiss the both of them whenever I wanted. I would have loved to be able to stop fighting my feelings for both of them all of the time and just embrace them instead. The problem remained though. Those feelings within me weren’t just for two people. They were for three, and it just didn’t feel right to eliminate Kane from the picture. I didn’t think I could, even if I knew I should.

CHAPTER 8

ADAM

Asher was introducing me to the four guys who had just walked through the door of the apartment. He’d showered and changed and looked a lot more like himself than he had that morning, but I knew him well enough to see the stress that remained beneath the mask, which he had become way too good at wearing.

I nodded a greeting, but that was as far as my welcome went. I was too worried about Addy. She was stood with Jordan, and I had seen the way her grip around his waist had gotten tighter and tighter with every male that walked into the space and came closer and closer to her. She was terrified, and even Jordan holding her and whispering, what I assumed were reassurances to her, didn’t seem to be helping.

She had come a long way since the first day Ash and Eli brought her home with them. She was comfortable with her brothers, Jord, and I. I’d even seen her hugging Kane a few times and I knew she was comfortable with him too, but strangers obviously still scared her and had her anxiety rising. It was why none of us had pushed her to venture out more often than the few trips she’d taken.

The four strangers, who stood just feet from her now, seemed friendly, and the fact Asher knew and trusted them led me to believe they were good men, but they were also all pretty tall andbuilt. To Addy, who had been through so much, it was a lot to handle.

“Did you get Evie and Zack to Chicago safely?” Asher asked.

“Yeah. They’re both staying with Evie’s parents. They’re good there for as long as you need us here,” The tallest and most intimidating of the four said. Harris, I think Asher had said when he introduced them, but I hadn’t been paying attention. He was almost as big as Asher with some gnarly scars on his neck.

“How is Zack?” Eli asked.

“He’s good. Evie started working a few days a week with Legal Aid, so he’s just started going to daycare in the mornings. He loves it,” another guy replied. The sullen look he’d had on his face since he walked in, dropped and his eyes lit up as he spoke about the kid.

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