Page 32 of Lost in the Light

“Jesus. Don’t say that, baby, please. I can’t stand to think of you not being here with me, with all of us.” He gripped me even tighter.

“This will never end, will it? This flashback…it was somewhere different,” I sat up enough to swipe the tears from my cheeks, then I looked up into his deep chocolate eyes. “What if there were more places? More monsters? I d-don’t know how much more I can take.”

“I want to make you feel better, but I won’t lie to you. You have a lot of memories that still haven’t returned, Addy, and none of us know what else you went through. We can’t know how much worse the memories could be, baby, but I can promise that whatever comes, you won’t have to deal with any of it alone. We’re all here and you have your counsellor who we can call anytime too. We can get through this. You can. I get that you don’t feel strong right now, but you are, Addy. So damned strong. You amaze me every fucking day,” he told me as he brushed a hand down over my hair again and again. It felt good and I relaxed into his touch, needing the contact and comfort.

“I just feel so lost,” I whispered, feeling marginally calmer. “I know I have all of you, and it helps more than you can know. I feel safe when I’m with you and I know I can come to you. God, I need to come to you all of the time, trust me,” I sighed. “But inhere…” I pointed to my temple. “…I just….I don’t even know who I am anymore, Adam. I want to be better. I want to fight and be strong, but I just feel so empty and exhausted. I want to be there for Asher and Eli. I don’t want to let them down when they need me, but I just…I’m broken. Really, really broken.”

“You might be a little lost right now, honey, but you are definitely not broken. What you’re going through and what you survived is more than most people could even stand to imagine, Addy. You lived it all. You survived and you’re still here. That took so much strength and fight. It stands to reason you’d feel a little empty and exhausted right now. It’s taking everything you have just to keep putting one foot in front of the other, especially with the memories coming back randomly like they are. It’s okay to feel like you’re not okay right now. I’d be worried if you didn’t feel that way.”

“But what do I do to make it better. I don’t want to be this way.”

“You keep going. You keep doing everything you can to move forwards. Will you get knocked back? Of course you will, but as long as you find a way to get back up again and keep pushing, things will get better. It won’t happen quickly and most days you won’t even notice, but day by day, piece by piece, things will get better. And if you’re too exhausted to get yourself back up and keep moving, you come to us. You come to your brothers, or to me, or to Jord and you tell us you need help. Do you understand? I know you can do this, Addy.”

I looked up into his eyes and took in his strong features. He was just so perfect to look at. And when he locked his eyes on me the way he was in that moment, I just melted. His eyes held so much emotion and it was a lot to take when it was lasered all on me.

“Okay,” I whispered with a nod. I wanted to kiss him desperately in that moment, but it was hardly the time. Instead I lifted up and placed a chaste kiss on his stubbled cheek. “Thank you, for always being here for me,” I told him.

“Always gonna be here for you, baby,” he returned as he reached up and tucked some wild strands of hair behind my ear.

“I should wash my face before Eli comes back. I don’t want him worrying any more than he is.” I slid from Adam’s lap and got to my feet. Adam just stayed where he sat on the bed, watching me closely.

“He’s having a hard time. He always knew your father wasn’t a good man, but to find out just how depraved he truly was, has to hurt.”

“I know. I wish they could have been spared all of it. I’m worried about them both,” I said as I stopped outside the bathroom door and turned to him again.

“They’ll be okay. They’re strong, just like you,” Adam told me with the cutest little smile. “Asher is better already now he has a mission to focus on.”

“A mission?”

“Harris and his team found a warehouse in Navada that seems to be linked to it all. They headed out a few hours ago to check it out, and Ash and Kane went with them.”

“What?” I turned to face Adam fully as panic overwhelmed me all at once. “What do you mean a warehouse? How did they find it?”

“The money trail they followed. It led them to monthly payments for this warehouse.”

“Is it the warehouse I was held in?” I gasped, my breaths picking up speed all over again.

“We don’t know. Come and sit again.” Adam got to his feet and came towards me, but I held a hand out to still him where he stood.

“There were armed men there. They…they had huge guns. Asher and Kane…do they know what they could be walking into?”

“They’re all highly trained, Addy. They know what they’re doing,” Adam sighed. I could tell it was killing him to stay back from me, his right hand nervously tapping at his thigh.

I was freaking out as the memory I had of that warehouse came back to me and played over and over. I saw Bull – that beast of a man who had hurt me so badly. I saw the six guys who had manned the building constantly, huge guns slung over their shoulders the entire time.

“Why didn’t they just tell the FBI? Why did they go there?” I cried.

“Asher needs to do something. His family is under threat and he’s not the kind of guy who can just sit back and rely on others. He wants to get this whole thing cleared up quickly. The FBI are dragging their feet and it’s killing him,” Adam tried to explain.

“He’s an idiot!” I barked. “He could get himself and Kane killed! Kane has a fucking head injury! What were they thinking?”

“Addy, please just sit and try to calm down. Ash and Kane will be fine.”

“Where’s Jordan?” I asked when I realized I hadn’t seen him at all since I woke up. “Did he go too? He’s not trained! How could they all be so stupid?!”

“Easy,” Adam approached me and placed his huge hands around my forearms. “Jordan just went back to the house to get you some clothes. He has one of the security with him, and he’s safe.” I didn’t fight as Adam led me back to the bed and eased me down until I was sat at the foot of it.

“This is all my fault. I…I never should have come home with Asher and Eli. You’re all in danger now be-because of me. It was a mistake.” The gasping words were pushed out between my fight to breathe and I knew I sounded hysterical, but I wasn’t wrong. None of this would have happened if I’d have stayed out of Asher and Eli’s lives. They might never have had to know what a monster their father was. They were in danger now and I had caused that. Kane had been hurt by people who wanted to get to me. Now Asher and Kane could both be killed and that was on me too.I was such an idiot!

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