Page 38 of Lost in the Light

“I have one here, one in my office, and two in the house at home, all in fingerprint secured lock boxes. I’m the only one who can access them,” Asher assured Adam.

I was almost as shocked to hear the fact Asher kept so many guns, as I was horrified that they all thought I was so very close to taking my own life, given half the chance.Was I?I had certainly been in a very dark place locked in my room over thosehours. The horror of my past – at least the memories I could recall – had melded with my new present and created a whole new terrifying prospect – the threat that now hung over the people I cared so much for - all because of me. It had torn me apart and I had been completely lost, cast adrift from all rational thought, and lost in the screams of the demons in my head.

But did I want to die? I thought about the night I had gone to Kane’s place feeling lost and he had asked me that very same question. My answer then had been ‘no’ and I was pretty sure it remained the same now. My reality was a scary place. I had so many horrifying memories that could come back, and the idea of any of them being worse than what I had already recovered was crippling. My own father had been involved in it all! He could turn out to be the entire reason I had suffered as I had. It was a huge mess, and to say it was overwhelming and daunting was a huge understatement. It was the stuff of nightmares – nightmares so terrifying I wasn’t sure I would survive them.

But I had so much to live for too. I had a home with my brothers. I loved Asher and Eli, and I didn’t want to leave them, or ever hurt them any more than they were already hurting, by putting them through my loss. I had Adam, Jordan, and Kane. While my feelings for them were confusing and overwhelming in a whole different way, I couldn’t deny that I cared for them all deeply. A possible future with them was terrifying and seemed impossible, but the idea of it also filled me with excitement and possibilities that I had never dared allow myself to dream of.

Whether my future included the three of them or not, I had hope that it would be better than my past. Even if the guys and I never worked, I could still have them in my life as my friends. I’d have my brothers. I could pick up my career again and build a good life for myself if I could find the fight it would require to do it.

No. I didn’t want to die. I had, in the past. I had recalled two instances now where all I had wished for was peaceful oblivion, but at that time I had been alone and there had been no hope to cling to. Now I had hope, and I was very far from alone.

“We should clear out the sharp items from the bathrooms too. Scissors and things? Razors too, right?” Jordan worried, pulling me back to reality.

“Guys,” I called. I couldn’t bare to hear any more. My voice was nothing more than a rough rasp, but they heard me and the door opened quickly.

“Sweetheart. You’re awake,” Asher said as he walked in first. Kane was right behind him, and the second I looked up, my eyes locked with his. He was pale and looked completely wiped out. I started to worry about him instantly.

“You need to rest Kane. Your head…” I panicked.

“I’m fine. Stop fussing, crazy girl,” he sighed with the hint of a smile on his face. “How loud’s all that noise now?” he asked as he stepped up to the bed and crouched so we were eye to eye.

“Better, but it’s still there,” I admitted. I just couldn’t seem to keep anything back from Kane when he looked at me the way he was in that moment.

“Did you sleep?” Jordan asked. I looked up and found him stood beside Adam and Eli, above Kane. The room suddenly felt a lot smaller with all five of them in there with me. I nodded as I looked between Kane and Asher, checking them both for any sign of injury.

“Are you both okay? No one was hurt?” I asked.

“No one was hurt. Kane and I are in one piece,” Asher nodded.

“The women you found? What will happen to them?”

“They were all taken to the closest hospital. They’ll get the help they need.”

“They’ll get to go home?” That was all I had wanted in the time I had been held in that cage. My life might have been mundane and pretty lonely but it had been quiet and safe. I remembered how desperately I had wanted it all back, as I sat trapped in that cage, contemplating what awaited me next.

“If they want to, yes. Those who don’t want to go home or have nowhere to go, will receive help to set up a new place to live, and counselling to help them. I’ve made sure of it,” Asher assured me.

“They’re all safe because of you, Angel. Now all we care about is you. What do you need?” Kane asked, surprising me with how gently he was speaking to me in front of everyone else.

I sighed deeply as I sank back against my pillows and looked between them all.

“I want you all to stop worrying I’m going to hurt myself,” I told them.

“Addy…” Eli looked to me pleadingly.

“I don’t want to die, Eli,” I told him as I sat up and looked him square in his eyes, needing him to believe me. “I did. I’m pretty sure I spent a lot of the two years I was taken, just trying to find a way to end things, and wishing someone would do it for me.”

“Sweetheart…” Asher tried to interrupt me, but I held a hand out to him, to stop him.

“I had no hope then,” I went on. “No one was coming for me. I knew that. I didn’t have anyone who would even notice I wasgone, other than my grumpy old landlord, when I didn’t pay my rent. I was in so much pain and I just wanted some peace. That was the only way I could see out of it all, and I didn’t think it mattered much anyway. Who would have missed me?”

“We would, Addy. If we’d have come looking for you and discovered you were dead, it would have hurt us, knowing we had a sister we would never get to know,” Eli said, his eyes glassy.

“That’s just it though. I’m not alone anymore. I have hope now. I know I’m not fixed, and I know it’s going to be a long time before I am, but I feel like I can get there because I have so much in my life now,” I tried to explain. “Things get dark, in here,” I pointed to my temple. “I get lost and I terrify myself with how out of control my thoughts get. That’s what happened the night I went to Kane, and It’s what happened earlier. It’s like my mind tries to make me so filled with fear, that it takes me back to that dark place where I wanted it all to just end. But I don’t want my life to end any more, because I don’t want to leave any of you. I want a future. I have no idea what it will look like and it’s scary, but I want to try.”

“We want you to have a future too, Addy. I promise there is nothing I won’t do to help you get through all of this and find your way again,” Asher told me.

“I’m still worried about when things get dark, though. You get so lost, and I worry what could happen if you’re alone and that happens. I’ve been there, Addy, remember? I know how easy it is for the dark thoughts to drag you down. I picked up my own gun, ready to make it all just stop, more than once when I was at my lowest,” Kane admitted, and tears filled my eyes at just the thought of him being alone and in that much pain.

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