Page 4 of Lost in the Light

“I can’t talk about it yet,” I whimpered as I pressed my face into Jordan’s chest again.

“Sshh baby. You don’t have to,” Adam soothed as he ran his huge hand over my back gently. “Tell us what you need.”

“I want to shower,” I replied, my skin feeling like it was crawling, after the feel of Joseph touching me.

“You sure you’re up to that?” Jordan asked.

“Don’t care,” I shrugged. “I…I can feel him….his hands. I n-need to wash it away.”

“Okay, beautiful. We’ll make it work,” Jordan promised, sealed with another kiss on my head.

“Let’s get you up and see how you’re feeling,” Adam suggested as he slid from the bed and stood. He came around to Jordan, as I shoved away the comforter, and let Jordan help me get up too.

“I’m okay,” I assured them as I held Jordan’s hand but remained steady on my feet. “I’m good,” I added as I let his hand go.

“You sure? It’s hours since you last ate. You’re not shaky?” Adam worried.

“I slept for hours. I’m fine,” I told them as I looked to the window and saw it was dark outside.

“Okay. Go take a shower then. Jordan can stay out here just in case you need him. I’ll go and fix you something to eat,” Adam instructed. I nodded and watched as Adam strode from the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

“Come on. Let’s get the shower warmed up for you,” Jordan said as he took my hand in his again and pulled me to the adjoining bathroom. I leant back against the vanity, and watched as he leaned into the huge shower cubicle and set the water running, crashing down to the tile from the overhead rainfall shower head.

“You sure you can manage? I can stay and help. I’ll close my eyes. Promise,” he told me with a sweet smile.

“I’m sure,” I whispered, but I couldn’t stop myself from pushing off of the counter and taking a couple of steps towards him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him tightly. His spicy aftershave was faint, but there still. I just felt at home in his arms as he returned my hold just as tightly. I wanted to say something to make him understand how grateful I was to have him there with me, but I didn’t even know where to begin. He had done so much for me. They all had, and I knew how incredibly lucky I was to have them all.

“I think I needed that,” Jordan sighed when I started to pull away.

“Me too,” I agreed. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me for that. You can have hugs whenever you want, beautiful,” he told me with a wink. “Jump in and get warmed up. I’ll be right outside, so just call if you need me, yeah?”

“I will,” I agreed. As soon as Jordan closed the bathroom door I stripped everything off and stepped into the steam filled shower. I washed quickly, but thoroughly, needing to feel clean and wash away the feel of those cold hands all over me. I shampooed and rinsed my hair, not even bothering with conditioner. I felt jittery alone and I wanted to get back to Jordan and Adam. I knew alone, in the quiet, it was the perfect opportunity for a flashback, or for those demons in my head to get to me, and I wasn’t strong enough to allow either of those things to happen. Not then. Maybe not ever.

Would I ever come back from seeing the remainder of that memory when it all fully returned? Would I ever recover from seeing my own father torture me? A sob escaped me at the thought of what more I could recall. Would he have laid hands on me? Would he have raped his own child?

Stop thinking!I yelled in my head as I pushed back any more sobs that tried to break free. I couldn’t fall apart. If I did, I really wasn’t sure there would be any more piecing myself back together ever again.

“Addy, you okay?” Jordan called through the door, his voice only just audible over the cascading water..

I began to say ‘yes’ because it was my automatic response, but then I remembered what Kane had told me, about relying on the people I trusted when things just felt insurmountable.

“No,” I replied instead. “Can you…will you come in here and just talk to me…but close your eyes!” I added the last in a panic, not wanting him to see the scars and wounds still healing on my back, wrists, and ankles.

“I’m here, and my eyes are closed,” Jordan said moments later. I turned and saw him in the room, facing the door with a hand over his eyes. He was sweet. Just one of those measures would have set me at ease enough, but he had done all three.

“Sorry,” I told him. “It’s just too n-noisy in my head. I need something else to focus on.”

“No apologies,” he told me firmly. “What do you want to talk about?”

“You. Adam. Just anything to keep my mind busy.” I grabbed the shower gel and started washing myself again. I didn’t feel clean yet, and I was able to take a little longer washing, now I wasn’t alone.

“I’m going to do some volunteer work at a community center in the city this week,” he began.

“That sounds good. What will you be doing?”

“The kids that go there are mainly teenagers. The center gives them a place to get off of the streets and something to do. I was thinking about maybe starting a few sports up. They have the space and we all donated a ton of equipment last year. Maybe basketball, and I was thinking I could run some football drills too. I’d have to speak to the woman who runs it, I guess.”

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