Page 51 of Born Chaos

That sends a shiver down my spine. And suddenly I remember the last secret of mine that Roman doesn’t know.

Would Sebastian get so desperate as to take me as his prisoner and lock me up?

A few weeks ago, I would have said a resoundinghell no.

But why not? He has another one locked away.

“Markus Lontoc, the necromancer, isn’t dead,” I say through a thick throat. Ashamed, my eyes rise back up to meet Roman’s. “Sebastian said he took Markus from your safehouse and killed him, but he didn’t.” Goosebumps flash across my skin as I remember how Markus looked the last time I saw him. When Roman finally captured and detained the necromancer, he accidentally tackled him over the edge of a building. He’d broken bones, gashed open lesions. He couldn’t walk, needing a wheelchair until his leg healed. “Sebastian has him locked up in a warehouse as his prisoner.”

“Why?” Roman growls.

I look down at the ground and take in one deep, steadying breath. “He said it was as a backup plan. In case anything ever happened to me and he needed to bring me back from the dead.”

But what I know, and what Roman knows, is that I will just keep coming back from the dead, over and over, without the need for a necromancer. All thanks to my mother’s curse.

I look back up at Roman and see it all there in his eyes, the same thoughts. “I allowed it because I put myself in his shoes. I couldn’t imagine life without him. I couldn’t stand the idea that somehow, Sebastian might be killed, and I’d have to go through an immortal lifetime without him. So… maybe he’s not the only one who’s lost some of their humanity over love.”

I wrap my arms around myself, feeling sick. Markus was locked in a dirty prison cell with only a tiny, hazy window for light. He was given a tiny bed, some non-perishable food, and water. And I just agreed to it. I allowed it.

Markus did terrible things. He followed Archer King and watched as he killed half a dozen people. He isn’t a good man.

But I’m not so good either. I let my fiancé lock him away, agreeing to take away his freedom and his life.

“I hate myself enough right now,” I say, my voice cracking just a little. “So, you don’t need to chew me out or call me names I deserve. But I think I need to fix this.”

I don’t know what I want Roman to say. I’m too ashamed to even look at him. We all have times we wish we could rewind and redo. This is one of those. This will forever be a black stain on my soul, something I can’t ever wash out.

Roman always has a plan. But if he’s forming one now, he doesn’t share it.

“Have you ever been in love?” I ask in a small, slightly too quiet voice. I still can’t look at him, but I know he heard me.

“Maybe before,” he says. His voice is rough, and I wish I could know what’s going through his head right now. “Guess I’ll never know. But in this life… no.”

I nod. I don’t know how, because Roman is as beautiful as he is deadly looking, but somehow I thought this would be his answer.

“I’d never been in love before I came to Chicago,” I say. I tuck my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. “The very first person I ever loved was Elena, but that’s different. I never saw any examples of actual love growing up, you know? Anything anyone ever did for me was because they were paid to do it. So, coming here, feeling what I’ve felt…”

I wipe a trail of tears that leaks down one cheek. “I guess I just wasn’t prepared. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.”

There’s a beat of silence, and I feel my insides, my emotions cannibalizing each other.

“At least you dared to take a chance,” Roman says. And with his words, I look up. His gaze is hesitant, the set of his lips is vulnerable. “I’ve kept everyone at arm’s length, never letting anyone in because I don’t know who I was before. Because I don’t trust that the person who got themselves stabbed in the back and left in a landfill won’t come back out. But it can be pretty damn lonely. You might have screwed parts of it up, Juliet. But at least you were daring enough to try.”

My heart beats a little faster as I stare at Roman. Just a few weeks ago, I would have laughed in your face if you told me I’d be having a deep conversation like this with this man. I would have said you were dreaming.

But darkness and pain recognize darkness and pain.

“Everyone is worthy of love, Roman,” I say. My insides are shaking. I’m feeling too much, feel too broken and razed over. But this I know. “It took me a long time to learn that because I had to uncover that truth on my own. But everyone is worthy of love. Even if we’re all monsters.”

Monsters are real, sweetheart, and they look like everyone you’ve ever known.

Roman said those words to me early on when I arrived in this city.

It’s so damn true.

But so is what I just said.

I startle when the door swings open, and Ivana steps inside. “It’s an absolute nightmare out there,” she says, oblivious to the heavy conversation that was just going on. “Look at me. I literally walked from the parking garage to the front door.”

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