Page 47 of Gray Area

I cry for a long time on the floor, then finally force myself to change out of the heavy dress I am wearing. I get my pajamas on then sit on the couch, dropping my head in my hands and remember the good, the bad, and the awful. Just like I had the first month after I’d left.

But when I think about the good… Oh God, it was so good with Declan. He’d been my white knight with a face that looked like he would rip out your throat if you breathed on him funny. And he took such good care of me, not to mention the things he did to my body. I am ashamed to say no other man has ever come close. Declan is the unattainable standard that I know I will never be able to give my body again. Because what we did was out of love and respect. And then it slowly went into a tailspin until it crash-landed, until I was gone.

I wanted to go back, to have him promise me he would take care of me again. I kept wanting leaving him to have been a dream, a really awful dream that I would wake up from. But it wasn’t, so I pushed myself through. I gave myself pep talks and called Bailey—God, that woman is a saint. She put up with all my shit and talked me through. Even came and surprised me and told me I would be okay. And it was good, but it wasn’t what I’d wanted. And then slowly I’d made it through a morning without crying and then the whole day and then two days. I’d thrown myself into schoolwork and switched majors, and before I knew it I had graduated, then started working. And I hadn’t looked back.

But now I am back. And I’m not sure I am going to be okay. I really thought I would be okay.

Fuck, I hate being wrong.

I’m not sure how long I spend reliving the past and ripping myself open. It is a while later I hear the elevator ding, and I realize it could be Kent. I scramble up and throw myself on the couch, grabbing the blanket and covering myself. I fling my arm over my face to try and cover the puffiness from my tears and feign sleep.

Seconds later, the door to the suite opens and I force my breathing into an even pattern as I listen to Kent’s footsteps in the room. He stops in front of me, adjusting the blanket around me, and drops a kiss to my forehead.

The feeling makes me want to throw up. I can feel the bile rising.

I don’t know if the nausea is from the guilt or from Kent’s actual touch, but it is there. And I have to swallow it back and keep my breathing even to preserve my charade.

I am so confused and conflicted. I can’t think straight. Once the bedroom door closes, I say a thank you to the heavens that I am in a suite so I have distance from Kent, then sit up, opening a meditation app to try and clear my mind. I need rest. It has been a busy day and an emotionally draining evening. And I never make the best decisions when I am tired.

Chapter 24

10 YEARS EARLIER

DECLAN

All weekend I bring Vivian to and from work, and when I get her home in the morning I follow her inside. But it’s just to make sure she makes it safely. Bailey has been home each and every time, so we haven’t been alone again, which is awful, and my cock is totally unhappy about it.

When I pick her up for class today, I assure him that tonight I will try to seal the deal again. As long as Vivian is okay with it. My palm isn’t doing it for me anymore. Now that I have been inside Vivian’s tight pussy, I cannot think of anything else. And my distraction hasn’t gone unnoticed.

“What’s wrong with you?” Slade demands as I miss the entrance to the bar we’re going to check on together.

I shake my head. “Nothing,” I growl back at him. But the truth is I’d been thinking of the sounds Vivian made when she came on my mouth the other night.

“Fuck that,” he says, studying me for a few seconds. Suddenly his eyes light up. “You got a chick, don’t you?” he asks excitedly.

I shrug, not affirming one way or the other, and Slade starts bouncing in his seat and squealing like a teenager who just won tickets to a boy band concert. I heave out an aggravated sigh as a warning, but he can’t hear me over his excitement.

“Who is she?” he demands as we pull into the parking lot.

I kill the engine and ignore my brother, getting out of my car and slamming the door. I am in a foul mood, and his needling is not making it better. I’d heard my father in another heated phone exchange this morning, and again I confronted him, but he brushed me off. Then he fell down the stairs on his way out to take Roman to school, which led us to fighting while we tried to pretend we weren’t because Roman was front and center. I’d taken Roman to school, and when I came back my father was gone.

My saving grace in trying to handle that and all the other shit happening around us is focusing on Vivian and what I am going to do to her tonight. But in seeking a distraction, it brings the annoyance of Slade.

“Are you ignoring me?” he demands, hustling to catch up with me as I head in to the bar, to do what we came to take care of.

“Drop it, Slade,” I grind out to him.

“Oh!” Slade shouts and jumps in front of me, stopping me in my tracks. “Is it the girl whose door you fixed with Dad?” he asks, bouncing on his feet like a boxer.

I glower at my brother and mentally get more pissed at my father. Those two are like a couple of fucking teenagers sharing stories.

“Oh, it is! You look like you want to hit me! It totally is,” he exclaims when he realizes he has pieced it all together.

“Slade, drop it,” I tell him, moving around him.

“Can we meet her?” he asks behind me.

I pull open the door of Moonshine and enter, scanning the room quickly. It’s busy for early evening on a weekday, but Slade has been tweaking the menu and playing on social media and it seems to be working to his advantage. I’d have asked him more about it, but I don’t actually want to talk to him right now. Besides, we came here to handle a problem.

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