Page 24 of Mad for Madison

“I don’t think I do,” I said, wondering if this was an opportunity for me to resist indulging in everything that was on the table before me. It all looked so delicious. I liked good food, and I had a sweet tooth. When I could, I worked out to even it out, and I had a reasonable amount of control over myself, but I couldn’t be like Madison. “I’m just being real. I’m not a…catch.”

Madison snorted. “You’re telling that to a porn star, Bradley.”

“Everyone wants to be with you,” I pointed out.

Madison looked into my eyes. “Everyone wants to be with me, yes. But who wants to date someone like me?”

I frowned. Hadn’t I just told him? “What do you mean?”

Madison continued to look at me, now genuinely bewildered. “Do you really think people are lining up to try and take me on a date? They aren’t. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret my choices, but I really made it impossible for guys to want to be in a relationship with me.”

I swallowed and looked at my plate. I hadn’t thought about it that way. I would have risked so much for a chance to have him had my life been different. I had a responsibility that was more important than this. But I also wanted him to know. “It wouldn’t matter to me.”

Madison laughed softly, almost thankfully. “It would, Bradley. Sooner or later, it would matter.” He smiled now, hismood lighting up. “How did we start talking about me again? I was trying to tell you that you are a catch.”

“You’re not eating,” I said, deflecting one last time.

“I can’t.”

“But it’s delicious,” I said, lifting a bite of my pancake, the syrup dripping from it. I brought it halfway between us, offering him the bite.

“I really can’t,” he said, smiling with something like fascination glowing in his eyes. “Not that it’s not tempting, but I have to stay under twelve percent.”

I frowned. “Of what?”

“Body fat,” Madison said.

“Seriously?”

He nodded. His voice had something like contempt in it when he spoke again. “It’s the only way to have abs. And people love abs.”

“So you can’t eat any of this?” I asked.

Madison was clearly torn between being entertained by my curiosity and irritated, but he replied anyway. “I got a personal trainer who made a diet plan for me when I started working with an actual production company. It’s all protein stuff and no joy at all. Plus, I’m exhausted as soon as I wake up.”

“That doesn’t sound healthy,” I said.

Madison shook his head dismissively. “It’s not unhealthy, but it serves no purpose other than making me more camera-ready.”

“I didn’t know that,” I said. “I always wanted to look more like you.”

Madison nodded. “Most guys do. Especially gay guys. We all grew up believing we weren’t good enough, so we have to go the extra mile now. I know I’m only contributing to the problem of ridiculous body standards, but it’s what keeps the lights on.”

It was true. Gay men never felt like they were done. We never found whatever we were searching for. More money, betterlooks, longer youths, more hookups. We were driven by our shortcomings.

“But I’m kind of used to it,” Madison said. “When I was a kid, my parents were broke. They spent everything on booze and cigarettes. They used to get wasted in the afternoon, so they weren’t even hungry by the time I had to go to bed.”

“Jesus,” I said.

He snort-chuckled. “It’s the reason I have this waistline.”

I couldn’t imagine Lily going to bed hungry. Even the thought of it filled me with unbearable guilt. “I’m really sorry, Madison.”

“The point is that it doesn’t bother me,” Madison said. “I’m never hungry. I just have to be careful what I eat, but it’s tempting.”

I didn’t offer him my pancakes again.

“So, Natural History, huh?” Madison asked.

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