Page 19 of Forever

CHAPTER 6

WILLIAM

Watching her walk away, seeing the tears in her eyes … It breaks me.

It fucking breaks me.

If I could take her pain I would. If I could do something to make even the tiniest of smiles appear on her lips I would.

I’d do anything.

Be anything.

But nothing I do or say will change the fact that this is our life. This is what we have to do—what we chose—in order to one day, eventually down the road, be together.

At that moment, now almost a year ago, it seemed like things couldn’t get worse.

When Bel left me for the first time, I was broken. I didn’t know what was happening. Why did she leave? The only thing I knew was that I needed her. She was my air. My heartbeat. Without her my life didn’t make sense. My chest was just an empty shell. I was existing, but I wasn’t living. At that moment, I thought I knew what pain was. Well, I was wrong.

The first time I had to turn my back to her and leave her behind?

The first time I watched her walk away and I knew I couldn’t do anything to stop her?

I don’t know which one was worse.

Her eyes were shattered into pieces. The pools without an end, drowning in tears. Her quiet sobs would bring even the strongest of man to their knees. Her swollen, red lips were begging me to kiss her. To take all this pain away.

But there is nothing that could ease the impact of our decision. Nothing that could make it better and take the pain away.

Not even the knowledge that we are together, that this isn’t the end, that we’ll see each other soon, could make all of this right.

That first time we held on for as long as they would let us. Until the very last minute—very last second ... Even as they were calling my name to board the plane, I couldn’t make myself untangle her from my arms.

Because leaving Bel behind was like leaving my heart.

But I sucked it up and did it. I untangled her shaking body from mine and took a step back. Then another and another. Until I couldn’t see her tear-stained face. Until her sobs didn’t reach my ears. Until she was just a memory that appeared when I closed my eyes.

That first time I left her behind, and then months later when I had to go through all of that all over again, only this time I was the one left behind I learned what a real pain—a real heartbreak—is.

It’s not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

It consumes you whole. You’re just a shadow of the person that existed once. Just an illusion. There’s nothing you can do but feel. Feel so much. So hard. So long. Those dark feelings that make you rethink and doubt everything you think you know.

As days turn to weeks turn to months and seasons change, we do it again and again. We meet, on both sides of Atlantic, we are together, and we savor every second we have together only to part at the end of the way. Only to go through all of it again. Through heartbreak and pain. Through tears and one big gap of nothingness.

I grip the railing that separates me from the woman I love. The woman that holds my heart. I try to even my breathing, to push the pain inside of the box and close it away. To shut down the memories, the feelings that these moments always bring to life.

It’s hard.

So damn hard.

Almost as much as letting go of her hand.

But I do it.

Every fucking time.

I let go.

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