Page 100 of Habits

His words make a knot grow in my throat, making it hard to breathe.

“Did you know I always notice it? Even when I’m not consciously looking or listening, I always see when you leave something on your plate. Or say you don’t feel hungry. Every time you give yourself a critical look in the mirror I wonder—what does she see? Will this be the time the monster comes back and makes her see something that doesn’t exist?”

“Oh, Max …”

This time there is no stopping me. His pain is so real, so raw, that it feels like my own.

How long has he been feeling like that? How long has he been suffering like that in silence? And more importantly, how come I didn’t notice it before?

Pulling my hands out of his, I throw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and pulling him in a tight hug. At first he’s like a statue, all sharp edges and hard muscle, but then his arms wrap around me, too. I lean my head on the crook of his neck.

“I missed this,” I whisper, inhaling his familiar scent.

How long has it been since we hugged each other? And I’m not talking about Max bullying me into submitting to him, but a real hug?

Four years ago, everything changed,wechanged, we lost our way, and it seems like we never found it back to each other.

His hands run up and down my back in a slow, soothing touch, and it makes me remember last night.

Last night and Andrew’s hands taking that same path on my back.

His fingertips run up my spine. “You’re skinnier.” His words are a barely audible whisper.

Sighing, I pull back so I can see him. There are tears in his eyes. I’ve never seen my big brother cry, but seeing the tears well in his eyes breaks something inside of me.

“I’m trying, Max. I really am, but sometimes …” I inhale sharply, trying to get enough air. My eyes are blurry with tears, so many tears there is no holding them back. “But sometimes, it’s hard. There are days I can fight it, days I can look at my reflection in the mirror and say, ‘Screw you,’ and move on, but then there are days when nothing I say or do will ever make it better. Days when all I want to do is rip my skin off my bones and hide. Days when just the slightest of comments will ruin weeks of good days and make all the light submit to the darkness lurking underneath.

“I want to be strong, Max. I do. And not for you or anybody else, but for myself. I want to be confident and happy andwhole. And some days I can be just that. But some days … some days it’s just too much.”

“Is it Hill?” His sudden angry tone makes me jump back.

“Andrew?” I frown. “What does he have to do with anything?”

Max gives me a knowing look. “I’m not blind, Jeanette. And your sneaking skills are shit. Only a fool couldn’t see through the two of you.”

Sighing, I lean back against the pillows and look at the ceiling, trying to collect my thoughts. “It’s not Andrew.”

“For a while you seemed happier, J. Content. What changed?”

What did change?

It would be easy to say it’s Andrew’s fault, but it’s not. Not really. When we started sneaking around, we both knew this was just something temporary, two people trying to escape reality by finding pleasure in each other. And did we find it.

Andrew can be a lot of things. Cold jackass. Insensitive asshole. Presumptuous dickhead. But not once did he do me wrong. He got as much as he gave, and with him, for the first time in a while, I felt like myself again.

Carefree.

Liberated.

Whole.

Being with Andrew Hill made me feel whole, but it also brought back a lot of insecurities. Maybe that’s the problem. We both have a lot to work through right now, is it really the right time to juggle a relationship as complicated and fucked up as ours on top of everything?

I look at my brother sitting on the other side of me. “I was happy.He made me happy. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I should start learning how to be happy on my own.”

Andrew

Princess: We need to talk. Meet me at our spot in the library?

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