Page 109 of Habits

Silence fills the cabin of my car, while at the same time thoughts rage in my mind.

What are they thinking? Why are they not saying anything? Are they disgusted? Do they think I’m a freak? A weirdo? Or even worse … do they pity me?

“Have you—” Brook clears her throat. “Have you been sick lately?”

“Have I been eating, you mean? You can say it. I know how my disease works.” I run my hand through my hair. “It’s been … rough. Some days are harder than others, but I’m trying to eat regularly. Healthy.”

Lia turns around in her seat, her hand gripping mine tightly in support. “We’ll figure it out. Together. We’ll figure it out.”

Her kind, brown eyes are even bigger than usual, tears pooling in them, but Lia’s holding them back. Strong. She’s trying to be strong for me.

I open my mouth, but no words come out.

Another hand sneaks back gripping my knee, giving it a hard, reassuring squeeze before it loosens and returns back to the steering wheel.

No judgement.

No unnecessary questions or probing.

Just support and reassurance.

Just … love.

I exhale slowly, and for the first time in so long it feels like a weight I didn’t even know I was carrying has lifted off my shoulder. For the first time in forever, it feels like I can breathe.

* * *

“So …” Lia drawls. “How are we going to do this?”

The brown paper bag is sitting on my desk, and we haven’t touched it since we got back to my place.

When we finally got to the next town over—thankfully the rest of the ride passed in silence since I needed some time to get my thoughts under control—Brook pulled into the closest drug store. We looked around for a bit, trying to pretend we were just browsing the aisles when we damn well knew what we needed. Finally, I gave up on pretending and went straight to the pregnancy tests.

The funny part? They’re right next to the condoms. Maybe if I was looking for condoms and not the test, I’d have been laughing. Then again, maybe not.

I took one in my hand and checked it out. What if I’m pregnant? What if I’m not?

I’m not sure which option scared me more.

“Are you going to take it?”

Brook’s quiet question returns me back to the present moment.

I intertwine my fingers in my lap, holding tightly. “I don’t think I can. I’m just so scared.”

“Of being pregnant?”

“That,” I agree. “But … what if I’m not?”

“What?” Brook yells surprised, startling us all.

“What if I’m not? I’m nowhere near ready to have a baby, but what if this is my only chance? The doctors were pretty forward with me; the chances of getting pregnant are low. What if this is my only chance and I’ve blown it somehow?”

Lia and Brook exchange a worried look, at a loss for words. Not that I can blame them. What seventeen-year-old wants to be pregnant? Only a crazy one, that’s who.

Restless, I jump off the bed.

I want to know, but at the same time I don’t.

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