Page 118 of Habits

The girl I’vefallenfor.

The whole game I’d been looking in the stands for her, trying to find her seated between thousands of fans, but she wasn’t there. She’s always there, supporting her brother, but not today. Was she busy or was she avoiding me?

I couldn’t stop wondering where she was and how she was doing. Is she really trying to get her life under control or was she just sick of me and wanted to call it quits and this was the easiest way out?

Just the idea of Jeanette Sanders being done with me and cozying up to some random guy makes my chest squeeze painfully.

I don’t want her to be done with me because I, for sure, am not done with her.

But she was right. I have to bury my demons so I can stop constantly comparing her to them. I have to figure outwhyso I can stop wondering about the past and concentrate on the future.

“Back to face my demons.”

* * *

Jeanette

I’m not sure how I manage to get home, but somehow I do. Memories of the past and present intertwine in my head so much that I’m not sure what’s then and what’s now, what’s true and what’s just an illusion.

Somewhere along the way, snow started falling, slowly at first, but by the time I get to my empty, dark house it’s falling harder.

Not bothering with the lights, I go straight to the living room.

Mom is out with her friends somewhere and Max, I don’t have any idea where he is. He was supposed to be home by now from his game, but I guess he stayed with his friends.

I turn on the fireplace, enjoying its warmth and the golden-orange light playing in the dark room. Then I curl down into the armchair and wait.

The fireplace is there more for the show, but it does look nice and I enjoy cozying next to it while watching TV or playing the violin. It gives a special, almost rustic charm to the room.

Only tonight I’m not here for entertainment, and there is no amount of heat that can make me feel warm.

My eyes set on the crackling, almost hypnotizing flame.

Flame that takes me back to the past as I wait for my present to catch up to me.

* * *

Before

For the next few weeks, everything returns to normal, or as normal as it can be when you’re hiding the fact that you caught your father cheating on your mother in his office with a twenty-something bimbo.

Dad and I don’t speak. Not at all. If anybody notices, which I don’t think is the case, they don’t call us on it.

He comes home on time, actually sits down to have dinner with us and sometimes even spends nights with Mom watching TV or going to Max’s games. They seem happy. Mom and Max. I haven’t seen her drink more than an occasional glass of wine with dinner, so there’s that.

One big happy family.

Suddenly my appetite is gone.

“I’m done.”

Pushing back my almost untouched plate of food, I get out of the chair.

“But you didn’t eat anything!” Mom protests.

“Not hungry.” I wave her off, not bothering to turn around. “I’m going to get ready.”

Maddaline’s parents are out of town, and she’s organizing a party at her house. Not my favorite hang-out place, but Patrick will be there.

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