Page 121 of Habits

“I’m done, Dad.” I shake my head. “I’m done with the secrets and lies. I’m done with feeling guilty because I’m hiding this from Mom and Max. I can’t do it anymore.”

The ache in my chest grows stronger and stronger. And although I didn’t want to, I can feel the tears gathering in my eyes, making my vision blurry.

“I can’t. I’ve protected you for too long. Now I have to think about somebody else, too. Not just myself and my selfish wishes.”

“Jeanette, please. Just let me explain.”

He tries to grab my arm but I pull away, walking around him. I need to get out of here.

“Spare us both from your lies; what little trust I had in you is gone. I’m going to tell them. I’m going to tell them, and there is nothing you can do to stop me.”

“Jeanette, it’s not what you think!”

He goes after me, his voice full of panic.

I laugh almost manically. “Isn’t that what all cheaters say?”

“Jeanette!”

Once again his hand wraps around mine, but I pull it away before his grip tightens. I can’t do this anymore.

“I’m going out. I can’t deal with this now.”

I see the keys to my car on the desk. Grabbing them, I slip into my sneakers and run outside in a hurry so he can’t reach me.

The icy air attacks me as soon as I’m out the door. Big, crystal snowflakes fall all around, sticking to everything in their way.

Not bothering to remove the fine dusting of snow that’s covering my SUV, I unlock the door and jump inside. I turn on the ignition, quickly pulling the seat belt over myself and turning on the lights.

Dad is running down the stairs, yelling at me frantically, the front door wide open behind him.

Putting the car in reverse, I turn around and start driving away.

That’s when I let the first tears fall.

When did everything start falling apart? Why didn’t we see it in time? Why didn’t we stop it?

The only thing I ever wanted was a normal family. Parents who love and care for each other. A sibling I could play with and confide in.

And I had it for a while. We weren’t perfect, but we loved each other.

Then we grew up. The differences between us became so obvious, and as time passed, we moved further and further apart.

Mom with her high-class expectations and drinking problem.

Dad with his workaholic ways and cheating.

And Max … he became his popular, outgoing self while I drew more and more into myself. Until the expectation of the people around me became too much to bear. But I wanted to do it nevertheless, to make the people around me happy.

I carried the weight on my shoulders for so long until it broke me.

* * *

Before

The world is dizzy. I giggle loudly as I watch it go round and round.

“You’re cheerful tonight,” Patrick whispers in my ear, his nose tracing the column of my neck.

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