Page 129 of Habits

“I wanted to stay, for no other reason than you, but I couldn’t. Being with your father had become too much. When he was home we always fought, and when he wasn’t I always wondered who he was with. It was a never-ending cycle of destruction, and I couldn’t keep doing that to myself. I was unhappy and depressed, and the last thing I wanted was to take you down that road with me.”

“Why didn’t you call then? Come by when you got back?”

“I wanted to! I wanted to so badly, but your father wouldn’t have let me. It took him some time, but he tracked me down to serve me with the divorce papers. I asked about you, begged him to let me see you if only for a little while, but he laughed in my face and told me I lost you the moment I left and if I ever tried to come close to you, he’d take me to court to strip me of my parental rights over you.”

“You should have at least tried!”

“And what? Cause you more pain and confusion? Make a circus of what was left of our broken family?”

“Anything, dammit!” I turn my back to her so she can’t see the rage playing on my face. I grip my fingers into fists, and all I can think about is punching something until all these fucked-up emotions drain out of my body. “Anything would have been better than the constant loneliness. For years,years,I’ve wondered what I did wrong for you to stop loving me, for you to leave me. I hated you and I hated anybody who even tried to show me love and kindness. You left me, and then Dad left, too. And I did the only thing I knew how to do. I built walls so nobody could ever again do what you two have done to me—break my heart.”

When I turn around to look at her, I find her crying silent tears. They’re rolling down her cheeks and making her eyes look red and raw. She’s looking at me with so much sorrow, I can barely stand to look at her.

Stop looking at me like that! I don’t need your pity. When I needed you, you weren’t there and now it’s too late.

I open my mouth to say just that, but a loud roar stops me.

“ANDREW!”

I turn around instantly, my mother completely forgotten. Half of his body is out of the car, but the other half is stuck inside. His face is pale, curled in pain and fear like nothing I’ve seen before.

Cold dread washes over me, entering my veins and freezing all on its way.

Something’s happened. Something must have happened to make Max go frantic like this.

My heartbeat slows down until I can barely feel it.

Something is wrong.

Really, really, wrong.

“It’s Jeanette.”

And then it stops.

His mouth keeps moving, he’s saying something, but the buzzing in my ears is too strong to decipher the words coming out of his mouth.

Everything slows down—my breathing, my movements, my heart.

Jeanette.

It feels like I’m stuck in a bubble where time and space don’t matter and I’m just hanging there, those two words going on repeat.

The light is not as bright. The snowflakes are stuck in the air, just fluttering around me. The sounds are just background noise. Nothing and nobody is moving.

Not me.

Not my lungs.

Not my heart.

Jeanette.

I can see Max still talking on the phone with God knows who. His lips are moving rapidly, but no sound comes out. Or maybe I simply can’t hear it from the buzzing in my ears.

Jeanette.

His pupils are dilated, swallowing the gray eyes completely as panic and fear overtake him. All the color has drained from his cheeks, leaving only an ashy whiteness.

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