Page 143 of Habits

She’salive.

“Turns out it was all for nothing,” she whispers. “Andrew, I’m sorry.”

I shake my head. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”

“Yes, I do!” Jeanette protests. “I should have told you. As soon as I suspected, I should have told you. But I was so surprised and scared and …”

She leans forward, her whole body shaking.

I sit down on the bed next to her, wrapping my arms around her, her shoulders trembling as she cries silent tears. “It’s okay,” I murmur, rubbing her back. “Shh, it’s okay. We’ll be okay.”

“It’s s-so s-silly. We’re so young and I know we aren’t ready to have a baby, but …” Her voice breaks and it breaks me. It breaks me seeing her in so much pain without a way to fix it. And even if I could, I’m not sure I’d be able to, because her pain? I feel it, too. “For a while,” Jeanette sniffs, looking at me through her tear-stained lashes. “For a while, it was real. When I saw that plus on the test, it was real. I was scared, terrified, but I wanted it. For a while, Ilovedthat baby only to find out now that it never existed.”

“I know, baby. I know. I feel it, too. I wanted it, too.”

As I confess it to her, I feel her body shake harder. My grip tightens and I burrow my head into her neck, holding both of us together as we mourn the loss of something that never existed.

At some point, I hear the door crack open, but it closes almost instantly, leaving us alone.

I don’t know how long we stay like that, holding on to each other for dear life. But after a while, her sobs stop and I slowly pull away, brushing the tears from her eyes.

“Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.”

“What if it’s never meant to be. With my anorexia …”

“It will happen, Princess.” I brush a strand of her hair behind her ear. “One day, when we’re older and ready, we’ll get our baby.”

“You’re saying it like it’s a given.”

“Because it is.”

“You can’t possibly know.” She shakes her head stubbornly.

“But I do.” My finger sneaks under her chin, lifting it so she’s looking at me. “When my mom left, I became a detached douchebag. I was cold and mean to everybody around me, and nobody tried to stop me. They were either too blinded by my status or too afraid to say anything.”

“Until me.”

“Until you,” I agree. “You don’t tolerate my shit, and you put me in my place without blinking an eye. It was your fierceness and inner strength, strength you aren’t even aware you possess, that broke my walls and made me start falling for you. It was your big, loving heart and your kindness, your spirit of a warrior and beauty that made me realize that I was doomed long before I even realized it. I love you, Jeanette Sanders. You and no one else, because let’s be honest, no one else would be able to stand my irritating ass for longer than thirty seconds straight, so it’s not like you have a choice.”

“True,” she says through hushed giggles. “So true.”

“Don’t you have anything to say to me?”

“Hmmm …” She purses her lips, pretending to think. “Don’t think so.”

“Wrong answer.”

I start tickling her good side until she laughs again. It’s good to hear her laughter. She’s been crying for far too long. I want to see her smile. I want those gray eyes to light up and melt into pools of silver. I want to be the one to make her happy.

“Okay, okay! I surrender.”

“About time. So, care to share something, Princess?”

“Yes.” She nods her head but keeps quiet.

“Well, don’t let me hold you back.”

“You, Andrew Hill, are the worst habit I could have chosen, but the one I don’t plan to give up. I love you.”

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