Page 20 of Habits

My belly rumbles at his words. When was the last time I ate? Probably snacks I pulled out when the girls were here.

Those same girls who think I’m fat.

“N-no. I’m not hungry.” My stomach answers in protest, but I ignore it.

“If you’re sure.” I can hear Max’s footsteps as he walks away from my room. Pulling the towel back around myself, I exit the bathroom and go to my closet. I grab a pair of leggings and a baggy shirt to put on before I go down to the basement to Max’s home gym.

Their words are in my brain as I climb on the treadmill, the distorted picture of my body in my mind as I make myself run.

Run until my body is a sweaty mess.

Run until my legs are so wobbly I can’t stand.

Run until the monster is at bay.

Run until the picture and words haunting me are pushed to the back of my mind.

At least temporarily.

Jeanette

Music has always been my saving grace.

My safe haven.

My quiet in the middle of the storm.

The sweet, tormented melody of the violin always finds a way to wrap me in a bubble. Isolate me from the rest of the world.

When I play, when a piece of delicate wood is tucked in between my shoulder and chin and the bow glides over the strings creating the melody that’s laying in my heart, I let myself feel all those feelings that are hiding deep in my soul.

The regret.

The pain.

The guilt.

The sorrow.

I like to pretend that I don’t feel, that nothing can get the best of me. They think I don’t hear them whisper, but when you don’t talk much, you have all the time in the world to listen.

Ice Queen, that’s what they call me, but they can’t be further from the truth.

I would give anything not to feel. And I try. I really do. But the thing is, I’m the complete opposite of what they believe me to be.

I feel.

So much and so fierce it’s painful.

The rejection and disappointment from my parents. The ice cold between my family members. The distance with my twin. The loneliness because of my lack of friends.

I feel it all.

I wear this mask of indifference because it’s easier that way. If people think you don’t feel, they won’t try to hurt you.

But there is no escaping hurt.

It finds you when you least expect it, and it tears you down to the ground.

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