Page 11 of Habits

“If something were wrong, you’d tell me, right?” He doesn’t let it go. Another thing about my brother? He has the biggest, most caring heart in the whole universe. It’s something I’m starting to realize again.

Sometimes he’s clueless. He isn’t perfect; nobody is. He made mistakes. We both did. Mistakes that lead us in different directions for a while. Mistakes that had a big price tag. No one got out of paying without scrapes. Not Max, and certainly not me. But we love each other, even after all the hurt.

With our family the way it is, it’s always just been the two of us against the world. And being the male, bigger and stronger and a few minutes older than me, he takes the role of my protector very seriously. Always has and most likely always will.

I guess that’s why the guilt’s been eating at him. Why he’s always looking at me like I’m a ticking bomb ready to explode. Because the first time he didn’t see the signs. The first time, his actions were partly responsible for pushing me into the darkness.

The first time, he couldn’t help me.

Couldn’t protect me.

Couldn’t save me.

But the reality was way different. No matter what he did or didn’t do, he wouldn’t have been able to save me. I was way beyond the point of saving.

My brother was always there for me. My brother. My best friend. My confidant. My protector. My everything. Mytwin.We were inseparable when we were kids, but things change. People change. And when he needed me to be strong, I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t succeed on my own.

I wasn’t strong enough.

And when the world around me came crashing down, I spiraled along with it.

* * *

Before

“Are you sure you don’t want to come? The guys won’t mind it.” I lift my gaze from my phone and look at the stormy eyes of my twin. He’s waiting for my answer, but I can see how he threw a quick glance over his shoulder to check on his friends.

“I’m fine, Max. Really. You should go with your friends.”

“Are you sure?” He nibbles at his lower lip.

“Yes, I’m sure.” I give him a small smile.

I don’t really want him to go, but I don’t want to go with him, either. Our freshmen year of high school started just a few weeks ago, but everything is different.

Max is already popular and well-liked by everybody. And me? I’m just his little, invisible sister.

It’s not that I can blame them. Max is kind, good-looking and the only freshmen who got to be on the school’s varsity hockey team, something that has never before happened in this district. Girls want him because of his good looks and uniform, and guys worship him because of his talent on the ice.

Me, on the other hand, I’m just the girl who got stuck with all the brains and bad genes. While he’s athletic, I’m on the chubby side. All the years of hanging out with Max and his friends made me a tomboy. I’m always wearing pants and baggy shirts.

Puberty also hasn’t been kind to me. It seems like every time one pimple disappears, another one pops up somewhere on my face, bigger and angrier than before. His black hair is glossy while mine is usually a big mess. His teeth? Pearly white and straight despite years of playing hockey, while I got stuck wearing braces.

We may be twins on paper, but in real life, we can hardly pass as siblings.

Max and I, we’ve always been inseparable. And I have to give it to him; he hasn’t changed. He still always asks me to join him and his friends, but I see the looks they give me over his shoulder.

Pity.

Annoyance.

I can’t take it. They don’t want me. They want him. And I won’t, under any circumstances, rob him of that. So I decided to stay away. Let Max shine brightly and enjoy high school. We could still do our own thing when we’re at home, but not here.

That doesn’t mean Max will let me stay on the sidelines. He makes friends easily and expects other people to do the same. But it’s not as simple for the rest of us as it is for him. People gravitate toward him. Theywantto be his friend. It’s different for me. Kids our age, hell, people of any age, are scared of smart people. I get it. It’s not something they find often, and they don’t know how to deal with it.

“If you want, we’ll be over there just tossing the ball and shit.” He waves in the general direction of the open space where his friends disappeared.

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