Page 108 of Habits

“Jeanette? Jeanette, open your eyes.”

My eyes? I want to protest, but can’t. The hold Brook—at least I think it’s Brook—has on me is so strong. I try to flutter my lids open, but they’re so heavy. Why are they so heavy?

“C-c-can’t,” I rasp.

“What’s wrong with her?”

This is not the same voice. It’s softer. Terrified and completely panicky. Lia.

“I think she’s having a panic attack,” says the first voice. Brook. Then she turns her attention back on me. “Jeanette, open your eyes.”

I try again, only nothing happens.

“Why? Because she has a bug?” She sounds so confused that if I wasn’t in this state of shell shock I’d probably laugh at her.

“No, because she’s pregnant.”

Jeanette

“Are you sure you’re feeling better?” Brown eyes look at me in the rear-view mirror with weariness. “You scared us to death.”

I nod my head once, trying to tilt my lips even if only in a half smile, but my attempt fails miserably.

What the hell am I going to do?

As if she can read my mind, Brook lifts her gaze, too, before she returns it promptly to the road. “Maybe you’re not pregnant.”

When I got my shit under control, the girls decided we should go and figure it out now. Like right the fuck now. Lia helped me clean up while Brook went back to the living room to pick up our things before we all got into my car and left.

There was no way in hell I could have kept us on the road, and Amelia, the worrier and empath she is, wasn’t in much better condition, so that left us with Brook behind the wheel.

“Maybe,” I agree, although I’m not certain of anything anymore. How could I be? My life is a mess, and this is just the cherry on top.

We drive in silence for a while. The only thing I asked them when we got in the car is not to go to any store where we could run into somebody we know, so we decided it’s better if we drive to the next town over.

In the end, it’s Lia who breaks the silence. “How late are you anyway?”

“No idea …”

“How can you have no idea?” Brook grits through her teeth. “It’s the most basic thing a girl should …”

“Brook!” Lia interrupts her. “That’s enough.”

“I always had a pretty irregular cycle due …” My throat bobbles as I swallow, this time harder, my fingers fidgeting in my lap nervously.

What will they think of me if I tell them the truth? Will they hate me? Judge me because of my weakness? I haven’t shared this secret with anybody except Andrew. I couldn’t bring myself to do it, not after everybody turned their backs on me when they found out. They thought I was some kind of freak when, in reality, the only thing I wanted was to belong.

A part of me knows they’re not like all those people. Even Brook with all her snarky comments and irritating attitude isn’t bad, not really. I know they don’t gossip or wonder about other people’s lives, yet a part of me … a part of me can’t help but wonder. What if, when they find out, they do think I’m some kind of freak?

I look down at my lap, my fingers trembling with nerves, and I have to grip them into fists to get them to stop. Clearing my throat, I finally whisper, “Due to the fact that I have an eating disorder.”

Lia gasps loudly, her hand covering her mouth, and then silence. Louder than any yelling or screaming, more ominous than any words can be.

Wide, green eyes find mine in the rear-view mirror. “Jeanette, I …”

“It’s okay,” I laugh quietly, but there is no humor in the sound. “You couldn’t have known. Nobody does. I didn’t even think …” I look out the window. “When I was in therapy, the doctors told me some of the consequences my actions may have caused, one of them being irregular cycles and infertility. But this is the first time I haven’t had it for this long, maybe more than two months. My period is usually late, but notthatlate. Not since … not since the last time things got out of control.”

There is another long pause.

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