Page 130 of Rules

However, Jeanette didn’t want to hear it. She all but threw us out of her room herself, threatening that she’d take us by the ear if we didn’t go ourselves.

Even though the doctors discharged her from the hospital, she still has to stay at home for at least a week until she’s properly healed. And even after that, she’ll have to wear a cast for a minimum of three weeks. Still, I didn’t put it past her to actually fulfill her threats.

So yeah, apart from my total exhaustion and a royal headache from lack of sleep, I ache from head to toe from the grueling practice Coach put us through, and I’m not even sure if it’s worth it. Not with how uncertain my future is.

If I thought he’d go easier on Andrew and me because of what happened, I was wrong. He went even harder on us because we missed the practice. Except for our own death, I don’t think the old man deems anything a valid excuse to miss a practice.

Sighing loudly, I eye the bed longingly. All I can think about is crashing for the night even though it’s barely eight. But no matter how tired I am, I’m so late on schoolwork that going to sleep isn’t an option.

You’d think teachers would let us off the hook since school will be done in a few months, but they keep insisting they’re preparing us for college and real life. Every piece of homework I complete, every essay I write, there are just more waiting to be finished.

I’m debating on whether I want to get up and go downstairs to grab something to drink and a quick snack before I start studying when my phone buzzes on the desk.

Without looking, I reach for it and answer the call. “Yeah?”

“Max?”

The front legs of my chair fall on the floor as I jolt in my seat.

He sounds surprised. Well, that makes two of us.

Why the hell didn’t I check the caller ID? If I knew it washim, I’d reject the call like I did every other time he’s tried to reach out since the accident.

I grit my teeth, irritation both at myself and at him spiking. Just as I’m about to end the call, he rushes out, “Don’t hang up.”

My thumb hovers over the end button, hesitating.

“What do you want?” I get up, rubbing my face in distress.

I shouldn’t, I know I shouldn’t have done it, but a part of me wanted to know why. Why did he do it? Why did he betray Mom? Why did he betray our family?

When Andrew went to visit his mom, I didn’t understand. Why did he want to meet her? After all this time. After she left him. Why didn’t he just let it go and move on with his life? But now I knew. Now I could understand this restless need to find the answer. To know why.

Dad continues, accepting my silence as an opening to talk. “I want to speak to my son. Is that too much to ask?”

“You should have talked with me before you decided to stick your dick in some random ho.”

“Maximillian Sanders!” His voice grows dangerously low, and if he was in front of me right now, I’m sure I’d be able to see the vein in his forehead throbbing. “I’m still your father and you’ll respect me…”

“Respect?” A maniacal laugh escapes me. “I respected you! I admired you! All the things you’ve accomplished. But all that was gone the moment I found out what you did.”

“I said I was sorry!”

“And you think that’s enough?!” I roar into the phone, walking through my room like a lion in a cage. “You think one ‘I’m sorry’ will make up for your betrayal? That one ‘I’m sorry’ will change what you did to Jeanette? You made her keep quiet. You made her bottle up all that guilt that made her finally snap.”

“I did make her keep quiet and I’m the reason she harbored all the guilt, but your actions are what made her snap. So don’t you go throwing all the blame on me, Max!”

Dad’s words are like a punch to my gut. He doesn’t have to remind me of the part I took in my sister’s fall. I know it all too well myself. There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t feel guilty. A day that I wouldn’t give anything to go back and change what happened. Maybe if I was more watchful, I would have noticed it sooner. And maybe then, Jeanette’s life would be easier, instead of clouded in darkness.

The silence stretches between us, louder and more ominous than any words could possibly be.

“Max, I’m…” he starts, but I don’t let him finish.

“You don’t have to remind me of my sins; I’m all too aware of them.” I look out the window, the dark sky almost as gloomy as I feel. “The difference is, I don’t want her forgiveness. I don’t deserve it. I just want to see her happy. And I will keep doing everything in my power to do so.”

I don’t wait for his answer before I hang up. I clench the damn thing in my hand, trying to calm my raging breathing and shaky hands, but it’s no use. Talking to my father has never been easy because, unlike Jeanette, we have nothing in common. And after everything that’s played out, things have only gone further south.

He can try calling and talking as much as he wants, but I know better than to believe him. He isn’t sorry, not really. What he wants is absolution. And I sure as hell won’t be the one giving it to him. There is nothing that he could say to change my mind. To change the way Ifeel.

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