Page 147 of Rules

Only one way.

“You help me disappear.”

* * *

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Mrs. Brown asks me yet again. I stopped counting the number of times asked, all in the last twenty minutes.

I nod my head, not letting out the doubt I feel. “This is for the best.”

“Very well,” she agrees. I can see the words she’s thinking, but refusing to say.

You’re making a mistake.

I know because I’ve been thinking the same thing. I’ve been wondering and going over every single possibility I could think of, every possible outcome, but it all came back to square one. As long as Josephine is in Greyford, as long as she is alive, I can’t stay here. There is no extracting myself from her. Want it or not, she’s my mother, and in the world we live in, that means that her sins are my sins, her debts, my debts. And God knows she has more than a handful of both.

People mull around the bus station, the uneasiness I was feeling the whole day now hitting me square in the chest, making it hard to breathe.

“You don’t have to stay here,” I say to my teacher, not moving my eyes from the guy tossing our bags into the storage of the bus. Soon it’ll be my turn to hand him my things, and before I know it, I’ll be gone.

“I know.”

I tilt my head back, groaning. I was never good at saying goodbyes, and the last thing I wanted was for somebody to witness me falling apart.

“You can groan all you want, young lady, but I’m not leaving,” Mrs. Brown scolds lightly. Her dark eyes find mine, a soft smile spreading over her lips. “You’re not alone, no matter what you think. There are people in this world who love and care for you.”

Lia’s crying face flashes in my mind.

“Not anymore.”

“Nonsense!” she says just as they give the final call to hand over our luggage and get on the bus.

Mrs. Brown tilts her chin in the direction of the bus. “You don’t want to be late.”

But I hear the challenge in her voice. She’s daring me to get on that bus. Daring me to go away. Daring me tostay.

Pressing my lips in a tight line to swallow the protest that wants to come out, I grip the handle of my bag tighter.

I start toward the bus, but can’t help but add, “I don’t have a choice.”

Shetsks. “We all have a choice, but it’s the risk we have to be willing to take.”

With those final words, she lets me go.

Taking one shaky breath in, I move forward. Giving my bags to the driver, I take a step inside the bus. My hand grips the railing, holding tight. One leg in, one leg out.

This was supposed to be my destiny from the beginning. I was fooling myself thinking it could be any other way. That short moment of hope, the moment of delusion, really showed me otherwise. I had a plan for a reason, and I’m going to stick to it.

Swallowing hard, I push all the insecurities away and enter. I find my seat and crash down, my eyes closed the whole time.

I can feel the bus rumble to life, the wheels start to move, but it’s not until I’m sure we’re away from the bus station that I open my eyes. They burn, the unshed tears clouding my gaze and making it hard to see clearly, but I do my best to hold them in.

I won’t break.

I repeat those words over and over again as I wrap my arms around myself, holding on for dear life, as tears fall down.

My hand slides over my stomach, a sob ripping out of my throat just as the “Leaving Greyford” sign passes by.

It was the right thing to do. Now it’s just you and me, little one.

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