Page 81 of Rules

For years, I’ve been keeping this to myself. For years, I’ve tried to push the memories back, hide them so deep that even I wouldn’t be able to access them. A lot of good that did me, because whether I wanted it or not, they would come back. And like a tornado, they’d come back hard and fast, destroying everything in its wake, leaving me empty and broken.

“Jo-Josephine…” I swallow, trying to control my breathing. Am I really going to do this? Am I really going to tell him of all people? My tongue darts out, wetting my dry lips. “She met this guy when I was eight. He wasn’t the first of her hookups she’d brought home, nor was he the last, but for some reason, he gave me the creeps from the first moment I saw him.”

Tears cloud my gaze as I remember. My heart aches for the little girl that I was, the little girl who was betrayed by the people closest to her.

“It was the way he looked at me. Every time he’d see me, his knowing gaze would take me in from head to toe. And every time, I would feel these uncomfortable prickles going through my body, like ants crawling all over my skin. At the time I didn’t understand it; I just knew I was uncomfortable whenever he was around, but now I know what he was doing. He was undressing me with his eyes. Assessing my body like he knew what was hidden underneath and what he would do to me once he got his chance.”

My whole body shudders in disgust. Even years later and miles apart, he still had this effect on me. Disgusted with myself and him, the humiliation that never goes away piles in my stomach, and I can feel the bile rise in my throat.

“Brook…”

I can hear it in his voice, pity, and it makes my throat close, but I stop him with a shake of my head. I look away, unable to face him, not wanting to see the look in his eyes when he finds out. “Unfortunately for me, he wasn’t one of the guys who was just passing through our house. No, he was there for the long haul. They had this on and off thing for a few years, and every time they were in the “on” mode and he was around, I tried to stay out of their way as much as I could. Until one night Josephine had to stay late at work and she told him to wait at our place. She never did that. We didn’t have much, but she had some stashes of drugs and alcohol around the house, and since she wasn’t one to share easily, she didn’t like people around when she wasn’t there.”

“What happened?” Max rasps. His voice is low, his body stiff underneath mine.

“He wasn’t interested in her stash…” I laugh softly at the absurdity of it. My mother was always worrying about keeping her vices safe, never once thinking about her daughter who she was leaving with strangers. “The room was dark. I should have been sleeping, but I knew he was out there, so I couldn’t. Only at some point, I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew my door creaked open and I jolted awake.”

“Brook…” Max tries again, but I’m too far gone now to stop.

“I don’t know how long he’d been standing there; it seemed like forever. I hoped he’d go away after a while, but instead, he came inside. Every step he took was like a loud bang in my mind. My heart was beating so hard I was sure he could hear it, but I kept pretending to be asleep. That first night he just watched me, and the next time again, and again, until one night watching wasn’t enough and he lay by me. It went on for weeks. Every time before he’d go, he’d lean closer, brush my hair out of his way, press his lips against my temple and whisper in my ear.This is our little secret, Brookie. You don’t want to make your mom angry by telling her. I wonder what she’d do if she found out.He knew I was awake, and he was toying with me.” I swallow the ache and bile in my throat, pushing the damning words out. “Until he wasn’t.”

One tear rolls down my cheek, but I don’t wipe it away.

“I’m not even sure how long it was. Sometimes he wouldn’t come for weeks, and sometimes we’d be alone a few times a week. Every time, he’d do the same, and every time he finally left me alone, I’d feel dirty and scared, so I’d push those memories in a box, making myself forget. Butthatnight things were different. He and my mom had a fight and she stormed out, and when he came to my room, he was smashed. He did his creeping thing, and when he got to my bed…”

A sob rips out of my throat so loudly it surprises me. I was so stuck in the dark memories I didn’t even notice. Tears were rolling down my cheeks, my fingers gripping Max’s so hard my knuckles turned white.

“I can still feel his meaty fingers trying to grope me. The way his warm, alcohol-stained breath made my stomach roll as he leaned down to kiss me. I tried to fight him off; I really did.” I close my eyes to stop the burning tears from falling, but he’s there. “He’d never gone that far, and a part of me was trying to reason with that. He’s not doing anything bad, he’s not touching me… But, he was touching me and I didn’t want it. I asked him to stop. Begged him to stop. Pleaded with him to let me go. But he didn’t listen. He never listened.”

I lean forward, burrowing my head into Max’s chest. His hands wrap around me, pulling me closer into his firm body. I hold on to his shirt like I’m holding on for dear life, my fingers grasping the soft material as I cry all the tears I should have cried ages ago.

Tears of betrayal. Tears of anger. Tears of loneliness. Tears I should have cried for that little girl whose innocence was taken away from her.

“Shhh… I’ve got you, Brook,” Max whispers, his voice thick with emotion as he rocks our bodies. “I’ve got you, and you’re safe now. I won’t let anybody touch you.”

His hand that’s caressing my back softly only makes me cry harder. And he lets me. Max’s hold doesn’t loosen for a second as he lets me cry it all out until there are no tears left inside of me. Until my whole body is drained and my feelings are out in the open. Not once complaining. Not once judging.

For the first time in years, my story is out in the open, and it feels like somebody believes me.

Chapter Thirty

MAX

Brook’s body shakes in my arms, and the only thing I can do is hold her tighter. My throat is dry, and no matter how many times I try to open my mouth, no words come out. Are there even any words to say?He used her. He shamed her. He threatened her. He ra…I shake my head to push it all back, because I know if I don’t, I’m going to jump out of here to find him and when I do, he’s a dead man. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know who or where he is.

She hiccups softly, breaking me out of my rage-induced haze. My body is tense, and I try to relax. Brook is still draped over me, and I don’t want her to think it’s somehow her fault. That what she just told me makes me look at her differently because it sure as hell doesn’t. She’s still the same no-nonsense girl I met back in August. She’s still that strong, fiercely loyal girl she’s always been, even if she doesn’t see it herself.

So I grit my teeth and push all of my feelings away. This is about Brook, and she doesn’t need me to freak out on her now. She needs me to hold her together and take all the pain away.You promised her that. You promised you’re strong enough to handle her darkness…But never in my wildest dreams did I think that’s what I’d find once I opened all the layers that make Brook Taylor the woman she is.

I’m not sure how long we sit like that, and to be honest, I’m not even sure who’s holding who because we both cling to one another like we’ll be swept away by the darkness if we let go. So we hold on as if our lives depend on it, and with time, her body starts to calm down. The tremors pass, and her breathing slowly returns to normal, an occasional hiccup breaking the silence.

Not for a second do I stop comforting her. My hand glides up and down her back reassuringly.

“What happened?” I rasp, my voice rough from all the pent-up feelings. “After…”

Brook’s body tenses for a second, and just when I think I’ve lost her again, I can feel her relax against me. Still, I can’t help but add, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“I just…” She sighs, turning her head to the side. “I tried telling Josephine. After… But she didn’t believe me. As soon as he left, I ran to the bathroom to wash it all away. The tears. The puke. The blood.Him.I had to wash it all away because my body was burning with shame. I felt so ugly and small. So when she got home, I was all cleaned up and she accused me of inventing things to get her attention.”

---