Page 99 of Rules

Rubbing my hand over my face, I finally give up on sleep when the first rays of sun start showing through the shades of my window. I know I have to talk to her, but when I peek inside her room, I find her still asleep in the middle of her bed. With worry still eating at me, I enter inside, careful not to wake her.

Even in the darkness of her room, I can see her skin is pale, messy hair spread on her pillow. Reaching forward, I tuck one runaway strand behind her ear.

I can feel the familiar ache in my heart. Jeanette has owned a part of me from before we were born. For years we were inseparable, but when things went downhill at our last school, a gap formed between us that only seems to grow larger and larger with time.

Will we ever go back to how things were before, Anette?

Sighing, I take a step back. There is nothing I can do now. Not until she’s awake.

Turning on the balls of my feet, I softly close the door behind me. Might as well use the time wisely until she wakes up. We’re going back to school soon, which means hockey. I have to put all my efforts into winning that trophy and possibly my spot on a division one hockey team.

* * *

“You’re awake,” I say, opening the door to Jeanette’s room wider. She’s sitting in her bed, leaning against the headboard. Still in her pajamas, her hair is a mess, cheeks flushed.

She locks her phone, sliding it under her pillow. Turning on the light, she sits straighter, pulling the covers until they’re tucked underneath her chin.

“Yeah,” Jeanette murmurs, her voice all dry and raspy. “Just got up.”

I nod, observing her carefully from the doorway. “I made you some soup.”

She frowns at the mention of food. “A bit later?”

My heart sinks, but I’m not about to let this go. Not after last night. “Jeanette…”

I enter the room, not bothering to close the door. She looks at me with those wide eyes, and I can’t help but take her in. Really take her in. Questions start rising in my mind as I slowly walk toward her.

Did I do it again? Did I fail her? Miss the signs that were right underneath my nose?

Sitting by her side, I take her hands in mine and look at them, not saying anything. Just observing. Her fingers are long and thin, nails cut neatly and painted in dark red. Tucked between mine, her hand looks so small and frail.

Breakable, just like her.

Clearing my throat, I lift my gaze to hers, silver eyes clashing as I finally break the silence. “What was yesterday all about?”

“I’m fine, Max.”

I’m fine, Max.I can’t remember the number of times I heard her say those exact same words over the last few years.I’m fine. Everything is okay.But she wasn’t fine and nothing was okay. She was just good at hiding, and I was good at pretending. Too lost in my own world—hockey, school,girls—to notice my sister’s suffering. Her literal withering in front of my eyes.

Not this time.

“But are you?” The question comes out more forceful than I intended, almost panicked, but I can’t take it back. I don’t want to take it back because I can’t go back to two years ago. “Are you really?”

I look over her face, hoping to seesomething. Something that will help me decipher the truth from the lie. I’m panting, but when I try to take a deeper breath to regain even a semblance of control, the breath gets stuck in my lungs.

“I. Am. Fine.” Jeanette looks me straight in the eyes as she says those words, her fingers gripping mine. Her squeeze is strong, and it helps ground me. “Really.”

“You don’t look fine, Anette.” I shake my head. “You look like somebody ready to spiral out of control again. All these months I keep looking at you, wondering if I’m missing something again. Are you really fine or are you pretending? Will I be able to see it this time around? If you fall back to the darkness, will I be able to see it? Will I be able to pull you back out before it’s too late?”

Now I’m in full-on panic mode. I can feel my blood pumping through my veins and hear its echo in my eardrums. Every word comes out faster and faster. All the fears that I’ve been pushing back, the worry and heartache that have been haunting me want to get out, and there is no stopping them.

“Max…”

The palms of my hands are sweaty and I want to brush them against my pants, but to do so I’d have to let go. And I can’t do it, because what if I let go and I lose her forever?

“I can’t lose you, Jeanette.” I shake my head, my vision turning blurry. “I can’t. That time you broke. So small. So pale. Sofragile. You’ll never understand the fear I felt as I watched you literally fall apart in front of my eyes. I don’t think I even realized until that moment how breakable, how mortal you are. The fear, the panic… it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. You and me, Anette. We’re a team. We’re one person. Losing you would be like losing a part of myself. I almost lost you once, and I barely survived it. To lose you for real…”

I stop, choking on the words. There is no way I can say them out loud. Just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach.

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