Page 23 of Back in Blood

I searched the house for another cigar. I was going to keep drinking and smoking and when Lisa arrived, I was going to fuck her until I passed out. Drinking, smoking, fucking. None of those things took the pain away but they certainly numbed and distracted me enough so that I could get by. I choked back a sob as I rolled the blunt. Caprice was supposed to be here. My baby was supposed to be around.

I numbed myself as best I could while waiting on Lisa to arrive. By the time she pressed my doorbell, a nigga was pretty much seeing double, and that was how I wanted it. I didn’t care how much I drunk, I never turned into a super sloppy, belligerent drunk, but it took everything in me to keep my composure and not do something stupid. I concentrated hard not to slur my words and mumble when I spoke, and I took time when walking to ensure I didn’t stumble. The moment I opened the door for Lisa, her scent greeted me before she did. The aroma made my dick brick up immediately. Her hair was slicked back into a ponytail, and she wore black sweatpants, a black tank top, and a black coat with slides on her feet and no socks. Whenmy gaze left her feet and landed back on her face, she gave me a sheepish grin. “I didn’t think I’d be getting out of the car. I was just running to get food.”

“You’re good, baby.” As soon as the term of endearment left my mouth, I winced. Drunk or not and even if I didn’t mean it like that, I checked myself for doing too much.

Lisa breezed past me as if she didn’t hear me call her baby.

“You want a drink?”

“I’ll take a little bit. I have work in the morning.”

I nodded my understanding and walked off to pour her the equivalent of two shots of Henny. I poured myself a shot, so Lisa didn’t have to drink alone. There was no need to beat around the bush because we both knew what she came to do. Standing in front of her as she sat on the couch, I extended my hand towards her and pulled her up. Lisa had some good pussy. I knew that to be fact, but that night was a complete blur. A nigga was so high and drunk, I was basically out of my body. The moment I came, I passed out.

When I woke up the next morning, Lisa was gone. My head was pounding, and I knew something had to give. There had to be a better way to deal with what I was going through. After drinking some Gatorade and putting something on my stomach, I stood outside of Caprice’s room door. When grieving no two days were the same. Sometimes, going in her room made me feel closer to her and some days that shit snatched the air from my lungs. I’d never get rid of all of her things, but it was time to pack some of her things up and give them to Robin. I hated that bitch, but she loved Caprice. My love for Caprice was the only reason I was considering showing her mother any kind of compassion. Ismelled my baby’s clothes and smiled as I held her toys. After I packed one large box, I taped it up and took it out to my car. I was going to drop it off at Robin’s mother’s house.

My phone vibrated, and I saw that Bianca was calling. No matter how badly I wanted to, she was one of the few people that I refused to ignore. Even when I didn’t feel like talking, I didn’t want to make Bianca worry, so I was trying to be better about answering and letting her know I was good.

“Yo.”

“Hey, brother. How you feeling today?”

“Like I do most days,” I answered honestly.

“Understandable. Well, Jaylen has been asking about you. I’ve been stalling him out as long as I could, but he’s getting kind of antsy now. I’m afraid he’s going to explode soon. I’m sorry.”

I blew out a small breath. Jaylen was my twelve-year-old autistic nephew, and we were pretty close. Jaylen thrived on routines, and I generally saw him on a pretty regular basis prior to losing Caprice. Jaylen was smart as hell and while in some way, I knew he understood that I was sad about Caprice, I was sure his mind couldn’t grasp why I’d been so different and distant for months now.

“No need to apologize. I’m the one that’s sorry. I’ll pick him up from school today.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Okay. I’ll cook one of your favorite meals tonight and maybe you can eat with us,” there was a hint of hopefulness in her tone.

“Sure thing.”

I knew everyone missed the old me. Hell, I missed the old me, but it wasn’t as simple as just putting myself back together again. If I could snap my fingers and magically be better, I’d do it in a heartbeat. After dropping the box off at Robin’s mom’s house, I went into the office to get some work done before itwas time to pick Jaylen up from school. I was trying to refrain from smoking since I was going to be spending some time with my nephew, and I was even more irritable than usual. Bianca had suggested that I talk to a therapist, and my response was a snort. I didn’t have anything against anyone that chose to go to therapy, but I didn’t see me doing that shit.

The way Jaylen’s face lit up when he saw me made my heart swell. His genuine happiness to see me made me feel good and sad at the same time. Any time Caprice laid eyes on me, she would have the same spark in her eyes. “What’s going on man? How was school today?” I extended my fist towards him because Jaylen liked to fist bump.

“School was good. Ma ma said you haven’t been feeling good, and that’s why I can’t see you. You feel better?”

“Yeah man, I feel better,” I lied as I reached out and rubbed his head making him smile.

He sat back and put his seatbelt on. “You feel better. I’m gonna tell ma ma you feel better.”

“She knows. I’m eating dinner with you all tonight. Is that cool?”

“Yeah that’s cool.” Jaylen’s smile grew even brighter, and I made a promise to myself that no matter how down I was feeling, I would always make time for him. His father nor either of his grandfathers were in his life. I was the only male role model he had aside from Bianca’s boyfriend, and I’d known Jaylen his entire life. He’d only known his mom’s boyfriend for a year. I knew my presence and consistency in his life was important.

When I saw that Bianca was calling I almost ignored it just because I chalked it up to her being overly protective, but I decided to answer. She was a mother, and she had a right to be overprotective. “This is your mom calling,” I informed Jaylen before answering the call. “What’s up, Sis?”

“Hey. You got Jaylen?”

“Yeap, he’s right here. I’m going to take him to pick out some new cars, and then we’ll be on our way to the house.”

“Am I connected to the blue tooth? If so, can you take me off for a minute?”

---