Page 20 of My Starry Valentine

He continues to stand with his back to me, saying nothing.

Swallowing hard, I finally pierce the silence. “How was everything outside?”

He turns, his shoulders hunched and his head angled down so that his hair drapes around his face again. “The cattle, hens, and goats were all good. The barn’s toasty warm and dry. And Mrs. Campbell is okay. Two winters back, I found her after she broke her hip and had to call the ambulance and clear a pathway for them to reach her place. So, I worry about her the most.”

“I’m glad she’s okay. How many cows do you have?” I ask as he passes by me. The inconsequential question does the trick, making him stop and look at me again. He lets out another lengthy sigh, his blue eyes guarded. “Fifty head thereabouts.”

“So, you really are a cowboy?”

His face remains impassive. “Yes, ma’am.”

Ma’am. After this morning, is that really where we’re at? Ma’am?No word has ever pierced me so thoroughly, but I remind myself where impatience got me this morning.

He says stiffly, “Look, I need a shower. After that, are you good with more pizza and beer?”

I nod, fighting hard against the tears welling in the backs of my eyes.

“Good. And then, I’d like to show you something before you leave me.”

Before I leave him? More like before he pushes me away…I open my mouth to speak, but the large, muscular man’s already halfway down the hallway, disappearing with a couple more strides.

An hour later, we eat reheated pizza and drink our beers silently. The suffocating quiet accompanies us as we clean up the kitchen, and the sounds of dishes, silverware, and rinsing water fragment the thick tension as we load the washer. Curiously, he brews a pot of coffee before filling a thermos and topping it off with cream. I stare raptly at this process, confused by what’s next when he muddies the waters even more. “You ready to see my first love?”

I raise my eyebrows, confused by his question. “Okay.”

Ledger heads down the hallway towards his bedroom door, and my pulse pounds. I follow him into the neat room with its California king awash in fluffy white duvets and plaid blankets. He motions me towards a funny little door that looks like it’s for a closet, opening it and inviting me to pass through. Behind me, he grabs a couple of blankets, still clutching the thermos, and explains, “We’re headed back outside, so you’ll want to stay bundled up for this.”

He opens the door, and a wooden staircase greets us, wrapping around a tower reminiscent of climbing a lighthouse. At the top, he flips some switches, and red lights lining the floor and the walls illuminate revealing a modest-sized room. The lights provide enough light to keep from stumbling without needing my eyes to adjust from darkness to light.

Overhead, a dome looms. He presses a few buttons, and it slides open, causing a strangled hiss to leave my throat as I greedily devour panoramic views of the night sky. The Milky Way glitters and glows, brightly and more stunning than I’ve ever seen it, the astronomical bodies in the sky more numerous than the grains of sand on a beach.

As my eyes adjust, I make out a massive telescope in the center of the room and an adjoining space that resembles a study. Bookshelves line the walls, and a large desk half covered in charts houses a computer tower with two massive monitors.

“What do you think?”

“It’s amazing!” I reply breathlessly, aware of the total inadequacy of my words. Tears fill my eyes as I try to absorb the thousands upon thousands of objects glowing in the night sky, all too easily forgotten in the haze, fog, and light pollution of a Bay Area night. “This reminds me of Great Basin National Park,” I say, wrapping my arms around myself as I look up, drinking in the cosmic views. The chill of the night air hits me, raising goosebumps on my flesh.

Ledger comes up behind me with a blanket, wrapping it around my shoulders and pulling me into his arms. “I’m sorry.” His voice sounds raw, and he nestles his face against the hair at the nape of my neck, breathing hard.

I lean back into his warmth and strength as he pulls the hair back from my neck, showering me in tiny, tender kisses. My heart beats so loudly I’m certain he can hear it.

“I would give anything to be the man you need, Angel. But I can’t…” His voice breaks at the end, and the kisses transform into hot tears as his chest shakes slightly behind me.

My bottom lip trembles, and my face scrunches as I try to hold it together. Hanging onto his hands and sniffling, I work hard to steel my voice, pausing for a long time before I manage, “I don’t agree.”

“You don’t have to for me to be right.”

“But you aren’t right…”

“I don’t want to argue with you,” Ledger replies gruffly.

“And I don’t want to argue with you…” I bring my hand up to his cheek, stroking his moist beard gently. The finality of my upcoming departure grips me, and I mourn the loss of what will never be.

I never got to cut his hair or see him ice-climbing. We never finished watchingSleepless in Seattletogether. And I have yet to figure out why the universe knit us so tightly together…only for it to end this way.

Darkness closes in cold and oppressive around us as my eyes focus on the distant twinkling stars, piercing centuries of void with sheer, white light. “Have you ever been to Great Basin?” I whisper.

“No.”

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