Page 86 of Strictly Pretend

My chest tightens. “Mumps?”

He nods. “It wasn’t a big thing at the time. I was a bit feverish, a little swollen down there.” His face is serious. “But after a week in bed I was all better. Or so I thought.”

“But you weren’t?” I ask. I’m trying to picture him at fourteen.

“No. It can cause infertility in men. That’s one of the reasons they have the MMR vaccine. It’s not a huge illness anymore, but the side effects can be catastrophic.”

“Wait, you got mumps even though you were vaccinated against it?” I ask him. “That’s awful.”

He shakes his head, giving me the softest of painful smiles. “You remember the panic about vaccinations? My mom was worried about the side effects. So she arranged for me to have separate vaccinations for measles, mumps, and rubella. The theory is that the mumps one didn’t work.” He lifts a brow. “I guess it doesn’t matter anyway. The fact is I got the mumps, and it means I can’t have kids.”

“How long have you known?” I ask him, my heart aching for him.

“Lianne and I started talking about getting married. She wanted children, a lot of them. What I didn’t realize was that she was planning on starting before the marriage. She stopped taking birth control. Without telling me.”

I wince. “She did what?”

“And when she didn’t get pregnant, I guess she started to worry it was her. She must have gotten the all clear, because the next thing I know she’s suggesting we both get physicals. That’s when I found out.”

“Oh…” I frown. “That’s messed up. I’m so sorry you found out that way.”

“She was furious at me. Said I’d been lying to her. That I must have known.” His eyes catch mine. “I didn’t. It never crossed my mind. I’ve always used protection.”

“You used protection with me,” I say softly.

“Yeah. Because it’s not just about having kids, is it? I’m clean. But I want to make you feel safe.”

Oh this man. I tighten my legs around him. “But why did you two break up? If you were that close to marriage?”

He cups my face with his palm. “I was the one who broke it off. She started talking about IVF and adoption, but every time she did, she’d get this look on her face. Like she was accepting second best. I couldn’t forget that she’d accused me of being a liar. And as I said, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted kids. I just knew…” He runs the pad of his thumb along my bottom lip. “I just knew that I didn’t want them with her.”

“She says you broke her heart.” I kiss his thumb. Then suck it in. He lets out a soft breath.

“I think I probably did. But I didn’t want to.” His voice is full of sincerity.

I look him in the eye. “Do you think you’d still be together if you could have had children?” I’m not sure I’m ready for the answer. My heart isn’t. It’s painful and beating too fast.

“No.” His answer is unequivocal. “I was already having second thoughts. I never should’ve proposed.” He shakes his head. “All of my brothers were getting married and settling down. They made me think there was something wrong with me. I’m an asshole for hurting her, I know that. That’s why I decided that marriage, even relationships, weren’t for me.”

“Until you asked me to marry you.”

A wry smile pulls at his lips. “I knew you’d run when you found out the truth. Most women would.”

“What?” I ask him. “Seriously? You think I care if you can have kids or not?”

“I think it complicates things. And if, after this, you want me to put you down and let you swim back to shore, then I’ll do it.”

I jut my chin out, defiant. “I’m not swimming anywhere.”

He doesn’t answer. Just looks at me like he’s trying to work me out. And I want him to. He’s just opened up to me in a way I didn’t think possible.

For some stupid reason, he thinks his infertility is a dealbreaker. And it’s not for me. It’s just not.

I cup his face with my palms, leaning close enough for my nose to slide against his. “I don’t care if you can have kids. I don’t think IVF or adoption, or even having no kids is second best. I think you’re the best. That’s what I want. Just you.”

It’s like I’ve turned a key I didn’t know I was holding. Before the final word escapes my lips, he’s kissing me so hard that I have to cling onto his neck not to fall back into the water. He slides his hands down my back to steady me, his lips still plundering mine. I lace my fingers into his wet hair, deepening the connection between us.

It only takes a hitch of my hips to feel him against me. So hard. So ready.

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