Page 29 of Devotion

He turns in his seat so he’s facing me. He reaches down to take my face in both his hands, using one of his thumbs to wipe away a stray tear. “Tell me what’s going on, Jess.”

I take a shaky breath and fight to compose my thoughts. “I wanted to be a partner in the palace, in part because of what it can do for the comfort and security of me and my family. But being called to do this was always more than that. It’s one of the few ways I can contribute my service to the palace, to the president, to the Capital. To the Central Cities. And to the… the world. I was born labor class, and there was absolutely no other way for me to do that.”

He’s listening. His forehead is still creased with thoughtful questioning, but he’s definitely listening.

“But that part of my role has always been kind of… kind of vague. Ephemeral. I’ve been focused mostly on you. Taking care of you. Doing my best to make you happy. But this…” My voice breaks as I nod toward the pages on the desk. “This… Gabriel, what you’re proposing would change so many lives for the better. It would transform everything for my family, far more than the treats you’ve allowed me to bring them. It would change… change the world… for the better.” Tears are streaming out of my eyes again. “And it allows me to be a part of that… even in my small way.”

He’s still staring. Not speaking.

“I don’t mean to take any of the credit for this. I just mean that whatever I’m able to do for you feels like it has a larger purpose. It always has, but it’s more tangible now. My… my devotion to you feels… feelsbigger.”

“I understand,” he murmurs, slightly hoarse. “I understand what you’re saying. I never… I never understood why you were so happy to do what you do. Until now.”

I smile up at him wetly. “Thank you.”

He finally glances away. “Don’t thank me yet. This is just a proposal. I have no idea whether they’re going to accept it or not or what kind of changes they’ll insist on making to it.”

“I know that. But still. Even in your identification processes, you’ve treated people as… as individuals. With dignity and autonomy. And the change in the credit system that allows us to save credits after the month is over is life-changing. It will allow people to move between classes in a way it’s almost impossible to do now.”

He nods. “I think I can get more than half the council on my side, but I really don’t know if Vincent will go for it.”

“Well, you’re trying. Thank you for trying.”

“You’re welcome.” He uses both thumbs to gently caress my cheeks. “Thank you for helping me.”

I haven’t helped him with the proposal in any way at all, but he’s obviously seen value in the ways I’ve been able to help him find some of the release and relaxation he needs.

It’s everything I could have dreamed of, having him expressing his gratitude so openly. I really can’t keep from beaming. “You’re welcome.”

He looks down at me for a long time until he finally gives his head a quick shake and turns back to his desk. As soon as he does, all the heavy pressure appears to descend on him in an instant. He’s got so much to accomplish and much less time to do it now.

9

The fluttery emotionsfrom our brief conversation sustain me over the next few days, which is helpful because everything else about them is not good.

Gabriel is more stressed than I’ve ever seen him. He’s often grumpy. He’s always internal. And he’s reluctant to take any sort of break.

He lets me pleasure him on Wednesday, but on Thursday and Friday he doesn’t. When I ask, he refuses, explaining he’s too distracted to enjoy it.

That’s not it though. He is distracted, but it feels like more than that to me. It’s as if he doesn’t want to let go.

I understand what’s driving him, but it’s very upsetting because I know he’d feel a lot better if he’d just let me help.

Saturday is shaping up the same. He doesn’t have meetings today, so he swims and then begins to work without stopping or chatting with me even briefly.

It’s a couple of hours after noon when he gets up to go to the bathroom and then returns to stare down blindly at the desk. I can sense so much angst simmering inside him it’s like a thick fog swirling around him.

I put down my sketch pad and swing my legs over the side of my seat. “Isn’t it time for your break?”

He jerks his head in my direction with a brief, annoyed expression.

I don’t let it deter me. “You’ll feel better if you take a break,” I murmur with impressive composure given how many conflicting emotions are clashing inside me.

He squeezes his forehead between his fingers and thumb. “I know. But I’m not sure I have time. I’ve put together weekly goals for myself to get this project finished on time, and I’ve still got a lot to do by the end of today to complete this week’s goal.”

“You have at least fifteen minutes to spare for a break. You work better if you let yourself relax for a few minutes. You know you do.”

“I know.” He breathes the words out with a long exhale. He’s still rubbing his head with one hand.

---