Page 33 of Devotion

I swallow. Think some more. “So someone made it happen?”

“Yes. It had to be Patterson and his government. He took away a lot more than holidays, didn’t he?”

“Y-yes.” I feel almost traitorous admitting it. “Life was hard under him, but he was trying to keep people alive. We couldn’t waste resources on frivolous entertainment.”

Gabriel shakes his head. “Is that really what you believe, or is that simply what you’ve been taught?”

“But President Patterson wasn’t—” I cut off my own words, questioning them for the first time.

I hear Gabriel’s query again.Is that what I believe, or is it simply what I’ve been taught?

I’ve never even questioned it before.

Licking my lips, I try to settle my mind around ideas that threaten to shake the foundations of my world. “I guess I can see that. Life under President Patterson was really bleak and difficult. That’s what everyone says. And he probably did a lot of bad stuff we never heard about. But it’s improved with President Vincent. I’m surprised he didn’t bring the old holidays back when he started to make life better.”

Gabriel looks at me for a long time, and I have no idea what he’s thinking.

“What is it?” I ask him at last.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s not a discussion for right now.”

“Okay.” I stroke my beautiful music box with my fingertips. “Thank you for this. I love it.”

“You’re welcome. I’m glad. Merry Christmas.”

He turns back toward his desk and starts to work.

10

The following Saturday,my eightieth day as Gabriel’s partner, I return from my weekly visit with my family, trying not to cry.

It’s a struggle, but I manage to greet a still-working Gabriel like normal, ask if he needs anything, and then take a bath. I cry quietly in the tub for a long time, and I’m hoping that’s enough to get me through the night without any further breakdowns.

I don’t have any privacy outside the bathroom. If I cry in bed, Gabriel will hear.

He’s still at his desk when I come out in my nightgown. I keep my face turned away from him as I shut off the lights in the room except his desk light and bedside lamp. He told me early on that I should do that when he’s working late into the night. He only needs light at his desk and by his bed, and there’s no reason to disturb my sleep with the overhead lights.

I’d prefer it to be completely dark tonight, mostly to hide my face.

“Everything okay?” he asks as I’m heading toward my window seat. He’s glanced up from his papers.

“Yes, of course. I’m ready for bed.”

“Okay. Everything all right with your family?” His tone is casual, and it’s not an unusual question. He’s always been considerate about my family, and he asks about them regularly on my return from my visits.

“Yes.” It’s a lie, but what else can I say? That everything has fallen apart for my family in the space of one day?

He doesn’t say anything else as I climb into my alcove and pull a blanket over me. I roll onto my side so my back is toward him, and I keep my body motionless even as everything inside me is silently weeping.

I open my pretty little music box and let the music play through once to comfort me. The tinkling sound of the now-familiar notes makes tears slide down my face.

I don’t sleep. There’s no way I can. It’s all I can do to keep from sobbing out loud. I manage for at least an hour, and Gabriel doesn’t say anything else. I hear papers rustling and the slight scratching of his pen on a page from his notebook.

He’s clearly absorbed in work and not noticing anything off about me, so that’s good.

His distraction allows me to relax slightly, but that’s a mistake. A sob rips through me unexpectedly. I manage to stifle the sound, but my shoulders shake a few times.

“Damn it, Jess!”

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