Page 44 of Devotion

He nods. His eyes grow hot as I pull the nightgown off over my head and let it drop to the floor. I’m completely naked beneath it.

I stand by the bed for a minute so he can see me. It’s ridiculously thrilling. Arousing. Just standing still while his eyes rake up and down from my face to my bare feet on the polished tile floor.

Finally I climb onto the bed and sit on my knees beside him. Since he asked me to do it like yesterday, I squirt oil into my hands and start on his shoulders, moving down his back and then his legs. I’ve made it to the back of his thighs when I ask, “Have you been single all your life?”

The question comes out of nowhere. We haven’t been talking, and Gabriel has been exhaling in that purposeful way that shows he’s trying very hard to relax.

His eyes open, but his body doesn’t tense up at all. “Mostly. I had a girlfriend as a teenager. There weren’t all that many girls my age, so we sort of fell into a relationship early on. We were together for five years.”

I’m immediately jealous of this faceless, innocent girl from his past, although I know it’s wrong to feel that way. “Oh. You were twenty when you left home, right? Did she not want to come with you?”

He clears his throat. “I didn’t… I didn’t invite her to come with me. I liked her, but it never felt… special. I think she knew the breakup was coming. She’d been pressuring me to marry her for two years at that point, but it didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel likeme.”

“I guess that makes sense.” I pause to see if he’ll continue. When he doesn’t, I ask, “Has there been no one else since her?”

“I’ve had sex partners, but nothing serious ever developed. Honestly, in the twenty years since I left home, I’ve been so focused on work that I haven’t had space in my life for anything else.”

“You didn’t want children?”

He makes a shrugging motion. “I… I don’t even know. I’m forty now, so I think that time has passed.”

“What do you mean? Men can have kids long past forty. You can still have a family if you want.”

I don’t actually want that for him because it would mean he would have people in his life more important than me. In fact, Gabriel has such old-fashioned sensibilities that he would probably refuse to let a partner do anything for him if he had a wife. Other palace administrators—both men and women—have no qualms about letting their partners please them in ways their spouses can’t or won’t. But Gabriel probably wouldn’t do that. He’d still treat me kindly and with generosity, but he wouldn’t let me do this for him anymore.

I hate the idea of it. Hate it so much I feel the emotion shuddering through me. I force it out of my mind.

“I don’t know,” Gabriel murmurs at last. “I’m not sure that kind of life is intended for me.”

There’s something almost poignant in the words. I feel them in my chest. In my throat. “Well, not everyone’s life has to look the same.”

“That’s true. What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Have you been single all your life?”

“No.” I frown down at him. “I’m not single now. I’m your partner.”

That catches his attention enough for him to glance back at me. I’m massaging the back of his knees, so he has to lift his head and twist his neck. “So you’re not single right now but I am?”

“Yes. Of course.” He looks so confused and astonished by my simple claim that I continue, “My life is committed to you. There’s no way anyone could understand me as single. But you’re not bound by the same ties that I am. You can pursue anyone you want romantically in a way that’s impossible for me.”

Not that I want him to do so. In fact, it would upset me so much it doesn’t bear considering. But I have to tell him the truth about our situation whether I like it or not.

“That doesn’t seem fair.” He lowers his head back to the pillow, his face turned toward the right.

“It’s not about fair. It’s aboutgiving. It’s about… about devotion.”

I don’t know if he truly understands even now, but he doesn’t question it anymore. He’s silent as I work on stretching out the firmly developed muscles of his calves.

“But before you came to the palace, were you always single?”

“Yes. I knew I wanted to do this for ten years, so I purposefully avoided any sort of relationship that would make sex an expectation. I guess I had some crushes on boys when I was a girl, but I never pursued them in any way. This has always been what I wanted.”

“And it really makes you happy?”

He’s looking back at me again. I meet his gaze with steady eyes. “Yes. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. My family is better off than they’ve ever been before, and I’m doing exactly what I’ve always dreamed of. Why shouldn’t I be happy?”

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