Page 62 of Devotion

I do my best, but it’s too much to keep inside. A weird little whimper escapes my aching throat. I twist my hands together.

He reaches over and covers both my hands with one of his big warm ones. “We’ve had this discussion before. Multiple times. You have to tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it.”

“There’s nothing you can?—”

“Why would you assume that? Haven’t I been able to help you before?”

I nod, still unable to raise my eyes to look at him.

“So why can’t you tell me what’s wrong this time so we can see if there’s anything I can do to make it better?”

I make a strangled sound as a couple of tears leak out of the corners of my eyes.

He wipes them away very gently. “Tell me, Jess. I’m the person who takes care of you, so I’m the one you tell.”

And that’s it. I burst into helpless sobs.

He sits on the bed wearing nothing but his sleep shorts and holds my hands and waits for me to pull myself together.

Then there’s nothing for me to do but admit the truth to him. “I… I heard you. On the phone.”

I feel the surprise and confusion in his body. He wasn’t expecting me to say that. “What do you mean? What phone call?”

“Yesterday. After my walk. I heard you on the phone.” I choke on another sob as I hear his dry, bland voice in my mind again. “You said… You said…”

“Oh my God,” he breathes out very softly. Like he understands but not like he feels guilty.

“You said you had to spend all these months training me and that it’s been really frustrating and that I’m only barely competent and that you have to tiptoe around my feelings.” I blurt it all out in an uneven rush. “I know… I know that you never wanted a partner, but I thought… I thought… I was doing okay and that you… you…”

I’m too embarrassed to admit what I thought.

Gabriel lifts his hands to cup one of my cheeks, raising my head so I’m forced to look at him. “Oh my fucking God, Jess.”

“I’m sorry! I really am. I shouldn’t have eavesdropped, and I should have been more realistic about how we… how we… our relationship. But it hurt my feelings. A lot. I’ve been trying not to be upset about it, but I am. I really am.”

“Why the fuck didn’t you just tell me right after you heard it?” Despite his repeated use of the wordfuck, he doesn’t sound angry. He sounds tired. Faintly impatient. And also weirdly relieved.

I don’t understand what I’m sensing in his mood. “I shouldn’t have overheard you! And what exactly was I supposed to say?”

“You were supposed to say what you heard and ask me why I said it so I could explain it to you.”

His gentle voice breaks through the whirlwind of emotions in my head. I freeze. Then blink. I’m finally able to peer up at his face. “There’s an explanation?”

“Of course there’s an explanation! Did you really think—” He cuts himself off and then shifts gears into a moderated tone. “Baby, do you believe me to be a somewhat intelligent man?”

I make another choking sound. “Somewhat intelligent? You’re the smartest person I’ve ever known! The smartest person in all the Central Cities!”

His expression softens briefly, like my outburst touches him. “Thank you for that. Let’s agree that I’m reasonably intelligent.Given that, do you think there’s any way I could actually believe that I’ve spent the past several months training you?”

I blink at him a few more times, trying to process what he’s asking. “I… I don’t…”

“Of course I don’t believe that. No person with even the smallest brain in their head could believe I’ve trained you in anything at all. Is it not a more accurate representation of reality to admit that you’ve spent five months and exerted an enormous amount of patience and effort to trainme?”

The question surprises me so much I actually giggle.

He relaxes into a smile. “Since I’m a reasonably intelligent person, of course I’m aware of this basic reality. There’s no possible way I could believe what you heard me say on the phone.”

I’m finally starting to understand what he’s telling me. The tears that slip down my cheeks are from immense relief rather than hurt. “Then why did you say it?”

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