Page 89 of Devotion

After we eat, Gabriel convinces me to lie down on one of the cots. It’s not at all comfortable. There are no sheets. No blankets. No pillows. But he sits on one with his back against the wall and lets me rest my head on his lap. I’m tired enough to doze for an hour or two.

He doesn’t sleep. Every time I wake to consciousness, he’s gently stroking my hair.

It’s better than being alone.

I’m not sure how long it’s been, but it’s still light outside when I awaken with a surge of anxiety that keeps me from sleeping any longer. I shift restlessly, peering up to check his face.

He’s focused on me, and I read a matching unease in his expression.

“What are we going to do, Gabriel?”

“I don’t know.” He smooths down thick strands that have escaped my messy braid. “But I’m going to get you to your family where you’ll be safe. After that…” He shrugs.

“After that what?”

“I don’t know. I’ll figure something out.”

“Could you be safe in Saint Louis?”

“I doubt it. The leadership there won’t risk conflict with the Central Cities by granting me asylum. They’ll hand me right over as soon as they realize I’m there. I’d have to change my identity and take a laborer’s job to even hope to stay under the radar, but even that would be a gamble. I don’t think I can stay.”

My throat hurts so intensely I can barely swallow. “So you’ll go back to your family in the wilderness?”

“Yeah. That’s my only choice.”

“They won’t track you all the way out there?”

“I don’t see how they could. It’s different out east. They don’t have any ties to the big cities, and each town and community is autonomous. Someone searching for me would have to stop at every single small farm and settlement in vast stretches of land and then hope the people there would tell them the truth. There’s not much trust for the Central Cities in those parts. They could search for years and not find me. I doubt anyone would bother. They’ll send warrants for my arrest to all the Outer Cities and assign some marshals to follow up, but I can’t see them searching the wilderness to any extent.” He sighs, and his hand grows still on my head. “I’ll go home.”

“Do you not want that?”

“I don’t know. I’ll be glad to see my family. It’s been well over a year since I’ve visited. And after everything that’s happened in the Capital, it will probably be a relief to fall into a simpler way of life. But…”

I wait, but he doesn’t answer. “You can’t do the kind of job you’re best at there.”

“No. Probably not. But there’ll be something I can do. It will be fine.”

I wait some more, but he doesn’t continue.

Is he really planning to leave me with my family and take off into the wilderness, never seeing me again?

Apparently so.

He planned to leave me at the palace, and he only changed his mind when he realized it was more dangerous for me there than escaping with him. He cares about me. A lot. But I was only his partner at the palace.

He doesn’t want me as a partner for life.

I should want to cry, but I don’t. The clenched ball of pain and heartbreak is far too tenuously controlled to let loose even a little.

Mostly I’m numb.

And scared.

I sit up, too jittery to keep reclining on his lap.

We sit side by side on the cot and don’t speak for a long time.

Eventually I need to go to the bathroom, and Gabriel won’t let me go outside by myself. So he stands on one side of a large tree as I squat to pee on the other side. It’s awkward. Embarrassing. And it doesn’t feel very sanitary.

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