Page 97 of Devotion

My good intentions go right out the window. “Are you really going to leave me behind?” I ask in a small voice.

He makes a weird, short grunt. Reaches out for me but then jerks and drops his hand. “Jess.” His face twists.

Managing to pull myself together again, I hug my arms to my middle and say, “I’ll be okay. You need to do what’s best for you. I’m with my family at least. I’ll be okay.”

“Oh my God, baby. Do you really believe I care about what’s best forme? I’m only thinking about you. You’ll be safe here. You can live a decent life and find a job you’re good at. Maybe find a nice man without all the baggage to fall in love with. Start a family.” His features contort again like he’s being ripped apart by what he’s feeling but is struggling to hold it back. “You’ll be safe and happy, and that’s the only thing that matters to me.”

I haven’t been able to cry all day, but sobs hit me all of a sudden. My whole body shakes as they rise up. Spill over. “But I’m never going to be happy without you.”

He steps forward. Takes my face in both hands, holds it possessively. “Listen to me, Jess. I don’t think you understand what life with me will look like. It’s not just that I can’t go back to the Capital. I can’t ever come back even to Saint Louis. Or any of the Outer Cities. I’m heading back home, and I’m going to have to stay there.”

I gulp. “So if I go with you, I won’t ever see my family again?”

“What? No, of course not. You can still visit them some. I just can’t come with you.”

“But how?—”

His mouth softens. “I’ll have to teach you to drive. I can get you most of the way, but then you’ll have to drive the last leg of the trip by yourself. But that’s not the point. You’ve lived your whole life in the Capital, and out east it’s very different. You’re not going to want to give up everything you’ve known and the lifestyle you’re used to and being near your family just to…”

I’m suddenly excited. On the edge of thrilled. For the first time since he returned from that terrible meeting with the president a week ago. “Just to what? To be with you? Have a life with you? Start a family with you? Do you have any idea how little I care about living a city lifestyle compared to having all that with you? As long as I can still visit my family sometimes. You’re sure that will be okay?”

His face is changing too. Something bright and hot has come alive in his eyes. He slides his hands down to span the base of my neck. “Yes, it will be okay. I got one of those batteries I lifted installed in my old vehicle, and I’ve got the backup if anything ever happens to the first one. Unless we have very bad luck, those should last us a couple of decades. In that vehicle, it’s less than a day’s drive to Saint Louis, so you can see them at least a few times a year. We’d have to monitor how rigorously they’re searching for me, but I’m guessing they’ll give up before the year is out. But I can’t ever come back. If you don’t like it there, you’ll have to return to live with your family alone.” His tone has been breathless, as if he’s getting excited too, but it turns serious on the last sentence.

“I understand. Gabriel, I hear what you’re saying, and it doesn’t change anything for me. I want this. Nothing I’ll be giving up is worth anything compared to what I’ll be gaining.” My emotional momentum halts with a strangled sound. I drop my eyes. “Assuming you want…”

“Assuming I want what?You?You can’t be serious.”

I frown up at him. “I am serious. You’ve never said?—”

“Of course I love you, baby! I love you more than the entirety of the universe could hold!” His eyes are blazing now. Everything about him is blazing. On fire in a way I’ve never witnessed before.

I let out the silliest little whimper. It’s honestly embarrassing. I stare down at the floor, swaying slightly with a wave of dizziness.

He’s holding me by the shoulders now. “Look at me, Jess.” When I lift my eyes, he says in a softer, gentler tone, “I love you. I can no longer remember who I was when I didn’t love you. I’ve been sleepwalking through the world like a zombie for years, blocking out everything except work, everything that might make me feel, make me vulnerable.” One of his hands lifts to stroke my cheek with his fingertips. “You woke me up. You taught me how to be the man I was always supposed to be. And if you’re sure—if you’re absolutely sure this is what you want—then I’ll spend the rest of my life being the man you’ve made me. Being that man for you.”

And that’s it for me. I burst into tears and throw myself against him. He wraps me in a tight hug, and we rock together in the embrace for a long time, holding on to each other.

When my emotions have finally settled, I’m able to pull back and smile up at him. My face is wet and messy, but he doesn’t appear to care.

He thumbs away the trail of a couple of stray tears. “There she is,” he says in a hoarse whisper. “I wasn’t sure I’d ever see her again.”

“Her?”

“You. Smiling at me like that. You’ll never know what it does to me. How it transforms everything for me.”

I sniff and shift my eyes and flush in pleasure and self-consciousness, filled with the pure, bright heat of joy. “Maybe I like to see you smiling at me too.”

When I focus up at Gabriel again, he is.

He staysto visit with my family for a couple of hours, but he’s worried about spending the night. He refuses to put us in danger with his extended presence, so he leaves with the promise to come pick me up before dawn in the morning.

I don’t sleep at all that night. I don’t have much to pack since I left nearly everything in my possession at the palace, but my family gathers more stuff for me to take than I would have expected. Some extra clothes. Some childhood mementos. A few of my father’s treasured books and half my mother’s knitting supplies. A few gifts they insist on my bringing for Gabriel’s family.

It’s incredibly hard to say goodbye to them. I’ve never in my life been apart from my family for more than a month at a time. It might be six months before I can come back to visit Saint Louis depending on the state of the president’s search for Gabriel. It feels like a very long time.

There are a lot of tears as well as some laughter. And I’m still awake and in a wired state of excitement when Gabriel pulls a big, older-model vehicle in front of my parents’ home. It’s not one of the new, sleek motors I’m used to. It looks more like a truck with a squared-off back end and big wheels. It’s not pretty, but it looks tough, and that’s likely what matters most in these circumstances. He parks it and gets out to come to the door.

He gives me a light kiss on my mouth, then shakes my father’s hand and then my grandfather’s. He leans over to kiss my mother’s cheek and then lifts Carrie’s small hand to kiss the knuckles in an exaggerated gallant gesture that makes her giggle. He nods to them, picks up my bags, and stows them in the back as I hug and kiss each member of my family in turn.

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