Page 13 of Devotion

“All right. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. If it helped, we can do it again. Anytime you need a break like that, just let me know.”

“I… I will. Thank you.” He blinks a few times, as if he’s trying to make his brain work again. Then he rubs his face and moves his chair back to his desk.

Since my job is clearly over, I go to the bathroom to wash my hands and face. I settle in my alcove when I return to the room and pull my sketch pad back out.

Gabriel has returned to work, and he seems much more focused than he was before. He’s not so restless and jittery.

I was right. I can help him. In a real way.

He knows it now too, so maybe he’ll let me help him again.

4

The next morning,my sixth day as Gabriel’s partner, I wake up bubbling with excitement.

I didn’t sleep very well the night before. Instead of letting my mind settle, I relived every moment of my session with Gabriel. Reviewed every small move, every breath, every flicker of expression on his face. I mentally reexperienced them throughout the night. Over and over again.

So while it wasn’t a bad night, it also wasn’t a restful one. And I’m as groggy as I am excited as I wash and dress while Gabriel is doing his morning swim.

I’ll have to be careful to not apply pressure. He might have been required to choose a partner and socially pushed into following the external palace conventions. But he can’t be forced or pressured in any way to accept sexual pleasure from me.

He has to want it.

But still… I really hope he wants it again.

Over the years, I’ve tried to imagine how it would feel to please a partner. I figured it might be a challenge. It might get tedious. Depending on the person, it might not always even be pleasant. But whatever it required of me would be a smallsacrifice to gain a lifestyle and benefits for my entire family that I never would have been able to otherwise earn and to contribute to the larger purpose of the Central Cities through the only avenue open to me.

All this time, I’ve been prepping myself to approach this aspect of my job purely as work. Focus on performing to the best of my abilities and making my administrator as happy as I can. But I’ve never felt this level of satisfaction from any other task I’ve completed.

I honestly can’t wait to do it again.

I really hope he lets me.

He’s got another meeting this morning, but this one is confidential, so I’m not allowed to attend. I take my walk and then tidy up the room and fiddle around, giving myself multiple lectures on patience and rationality. He’s not going to get back from his meeting and immediately ask me to take care of him again. I might have known Gabriel for less than a week, but I know that much about him for sure. When he returns, he’ll start working again. And I’ll be lucky if several hours later he decides he needs me to help him relax and refocus like I did yesterday.

My realistic predictions are accurate. I’m pretending to read when he returns to the room, looking brisk and determined and slightly annoyed. He gives me about sixty seconds of attention, asking if I need anything and letting me know he’ll be working at his desk for the rest of the day.

And that’s exactly what he does.

Work.

For hour after hour.

By late afternoon, I’m forced to resign myself to the fact that he’s having no trouble focusing today.

Maybe he didn’t enjoy the way I pleased him as much as I hoped.

It’s not a big deal. He’s never truly understood my purpose, so he probably won’t make use of me for more than the occasional indulgence.

That’s still okay. He treats me well, and most people would love to have a position where they’re required to do almost no work.

I’d rather be needed and appreciated, but I can get used to this. We can fall into a comfortable routine.

My life might not be as satisfying and purposeful as I hoped, but it will still be good.

I’m knitting a shawl for my mother with pretty pink yarn I bought with Gabriel’s credits. Since my mind keeps spinning over my hopes and disappointments, reading and drawing are out of the question this afternoon. I try to keep my eyes focused on the garden outside the window instead of constantly staring at Gabriel, but I’m not entirely successful in that endeavor.

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