Page 79 of Devotion

“That’s not it. It’s not just about you. Because if the president has never been what I thought, that means the Central Cities have never been what I believed. And that means that… that…” I gasp. Jerk my head to the side. Contort my mouth and cheeks to keep from falling apart again. “That means that everything I’ve done, all those years I spent dreaming of doing something worthwhile, being someone who matters, giving myself for the good of… The greater good… All of that is wasted. It’swasted. Poured down the drain. Tossed in the trash. I thought what I do matters in a larger sense, but it doesn’t. It’s just another partof that pretense of shallow pleasure that’s been used to hide the ugly reality. They used me—me—to hide the truth about this place from the world.”

Once I started to speak, the words pour out in an agonized rush. And I’m sobbing again by the end of it. Hiding my face in the wet handkerchief.

Gabriel makes a weird, stifled sound. Then he takes a few raspy breaths. “Oh my God. I’m so sorry, Jess. I’m so sorry.”

He reaches out to pull me into a hug. It’s awkward because of our positions on the bed, but I need it. I sob into his bare chest as he holds me tight.

We stay that way for a long time, until I’m too exhausted to keep crying. The grief hasn’t faded. Only my energy.

Then I finally draw out of his embrace. He gazes at me with a deep, sad, resigned fatigue that matches what’s in my own heart.

“So what will you do?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “I don’t have any choices here. You see that, don’t you?”

I nod because I do see it. I see everything now.

“He threatened my career and my livelihood to get me to the palace in the first place. He still has both of those in his fist. I can’t leave. I can’t run away and get a different job or live any sort of safe life. His influence reaches so far. And I can’t try to get the council on my side and overrule him because he’ll never let it get to that point. He’ll kill me if I defy him, Jess. He will.”

“I know.” I never would have believed it even yesterday, but it’s as clear as day to me now. “He probably won’t even let you leave the Capital. He’ll suspect you’re trying to run away.”

“He will. I tried to argue with him in the meeting the other day. I pushed back pretty strong, and at one point I told him I wouldn’t do it.” Gabriel lets out a soft, bitter laugh. “That was a mistake.”

“What did he do?”

“He threatened… He did it with a smile, always pretending to be civil, but he… I only have one thing that really matters to me other than my life and my work. I only have one thing left to lose. He knows it. He threatened to take you away from me.”

“Wh-what?”

“I told you before I’ve always tried not to act like you’re special to me, but he knows better. He’s seen through me, and he’s recognized that you’re what matters most to me.”

If I had any tears left, I would be crying again now. I hug myself, swaying slightly as I process what he’s saying. “Gabriel.”

“So he knows how to control me now. All he has to do is threaten you and I’ll do anything he says.” He’s not meeting my eyes. He’s staring at an empty spot in the air.

“No. I’m not important enough to sacrifice everything else for. If there’s some way for you to still do the right thing, then?—”

“Baby, I can’t.”

His abrupt interruption stills me.

“I can’t. Sometimes the world summons its forces on all sides of you, trapping you, keeping you from doing anything except what they want. That’s what’s happened here. To both of us. I don’t want to die when it finally feels like I have something to live for, and I can’t lose you. I won’t. Unless…” His head jerks to the side again. “Unless you don’t want to be my partner anymore.”

“No!” The one word is loud. Too loud. I grab for him, clutching at his upper arms. “Gabriel, no. Of course I still want to be your partner. I’ll always be your partner. Please don’t do anything that gets you killed. I couldn’t… I couldn’t bear to lose you either.”

With a rough sound, he pulls me back into a tight hug. I return the embrace so urgently that I end up pushing him backward onto the bed. He doesn’t let me go, so we end up lying there together, holding each other.

After several minutes, Gabriel says, “I’m going to do what he says, but I’ll try to write it up in a way that won’t lead to as many abuses. It will still be bad but maybe not as bad as it was before.”

“Yes. Yes, do that. Do what you can to make it better. But please don’t defy him. It’s not worth that.”

“Itisworth that,” he murmurs, so soft I can barely hear it. “But I’m not strong enough to do it.”

“You don’t have to be strong enough. No one is strong enough to bear the weight of an entire broken system on their shoulders. Gabriel, you’re trapped. So do what you can. And trust that… that…”

I can’t finish the sentence because there’s no longer anything to trust in.

What can we hope for here? That other people will step up to somehow hold back the tidal wave of cruel reality? That a divine being no one believes in anymore will miraculously intervene to fix a fallen world?

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