Page 94 of Devotion

The papers are what he’s said they are. She scans each page and then nods and makes a gesture to a couple of the scary-looking guys who came with us. “Escort him,” she tells them. “Wherever he wants to go. Ben and I will get the girl to Saint Louis.”

She calls me “the girl,” but she can’t be more than five or six years older than me. She’s lived an entirely different life, however, and she has a lifetime’s more experience in taking care of herself.

I’ll never be like her.

One of the men pokes Gabriel on the shoulder in a clear sign that he needs to follow them.

I’m still clinging to his shirt. “Wait! What?—”

“She’ll get you to your family, baby,” he says very softly. He raises one hand to cup my face. “You’ll be safe there.”

“But what about you?”

“I’ll be okay. I’ve got to get out of the area as soon as possible. You know that. We already talked about it.”

“But—”

But I want to go with you.

That’s what I almost say. I’m close to tears, but everything is happening too fast. They’re guiding Gabriel away from me.

He looks back. Our eyes meet over the dark distance.

And it finally hits home with me.

We’re saying goodbye.

22

A few hours later,I’m home with my family.

I’m exhausted and disoriented and still incredibly anxious and sad.

Sad more than anything else.

Not that I’m ever sorry to be with my family. After their initial shock, they’ve been welcoming and supportive and sympathetic. My dad is still at work, but the others listen wide-eyed to my rambling narrative and are deeply relieved that Gabriel and I made it out of the Central Cities safely. They agree that Gabriel did the right thing even though it was difficult. And they understand how upset I am about losing him.

Carrie is convinced he’s going to show up any minute and whisk me away to be with him forever, but my mom knows better. “He’s doing the right thing,” she tells me with a wise, sympathetic look that breaks my heart. “He’s trying to do the right thing by you too.”

I know she’s right. I saw it in Gabriel’s face earlier before Annabelle took me away.

He’ll spend the rest of his life as an exile. Every minute he stays somewhere that’s in reach of the Central Cities, he’ll be indanger—as will anyone with him. He won’t drag me into that life even if part of him wants to.

There’s no reason to assume he even loves me. At least not as much as I love him.

Our relationship has meant something to him. I believe that much at least. But he’s never expressed that it’s deep and real enough to survive beyond the boundaries of the palace.

He never wanted me as a partner. It took him months to open up even a little, to let down his guard enough to accept what I offered. He heard me say I love him, and he’s never said it back.

He’ll want to know I’m safe. He’ll think of me fondly.

But he’s not going to put everything at risk to spend his life with me.

I’m not the naive, hopeful girl I was seven months ago, believing that people are mostly good and that my small acts of love and service can make the world a better place.

Nothing is what I believed it to be, and I’m no longer waiting for miracles.

So I’ll do what everyone else does in this world. I’ll make do with whatever is left for me after my dreams slip away.

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